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Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could be walking along the road and spot a cool, crisp Jackson, and the last thing I’d want is the government trying to take it,” said Jacobson, adding that while he knew the odds of ever coming into that type of wealth were slim to none, he had to be prepared just in case it were to happen. “Opportunities like that don’t come around every day. How fair is it for the IRS to swoop in the second I hit it big and grab a piece of my $20 jackpot? Plus, it’s a matter of principle: If I find any amount of money lying on the ground, whether it’s a $1 bill, a quarter, you name it—that should be mine and only mine. Uncle Sam sure as hell ain’t the one bending over to pick it up. The more you tax those earnings, the more you’re going to disincentivize people like me from pocketing those dollars when they come across them. At a certain point, why even bother?” Jacobson added that should he ever be lucky enough to stumble across a $20 bill, the first thing he’d do is shelter his gains by depositing the cash in a shadow account in the Cayman Islands.
4/5/2021 11:30:00 PM
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Covid Announces Plan To Move Operations To Texas Full-Time To Escape Burdensome Regulations

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates. “Obviously, I appreciate everything California and New York have done to help me—especially when I was just starting out. It’s just been hard watching liberal legislators pile on cumbersome restrictions despite, frankly, having no idea how to build a pandemic. Those regulations really hurt small virus particles. The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.” At press time, Covid-19 had celebrated its move with a raucous night hanging out in the atmosphere of local favorite restaurant Trudy’s North Star.\n
4/7/2021 3:50:00 AM
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Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could be walking along the road and spot a cool, crisp Jackson, and the last thing I’d want is the government trying to take it,” said Jacobson, adding that while he knew the odds of ever coming into that type of wealth were slim to none, he had to be prepared just in case it were to happen. “Opportunities like that don’t come around every day. How fair is it for the IRS to swoop in the second I hit it big and grab a piece of my $20 jackpot? Plus, it’s a matter of principle: If I find any amount of money lying on the ground, whether it’s a $1 bill, a quarter, you name it—that should be mine and only mine. Uncle Sam sure as hell ain’t the one bending over to pick it up. The more you tax those earnings, the more you’re going to disincentivize people like me from pocketing those dollars when they come across them. At a certain point, why even bother?” Jacobson added that should he ever be lucky enough to stumble across a $20 bill, the first thing he’d do is shelter his gains by depositing the cash in a shadow account in the Cayman Islands.
4/5/2021 11:30:00 PM
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Covid Announces Plan To Move Operations To Texas Full-Time To Escape Burdensome Regulations

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates. “Obviously, I appreciate everything California and New York have done to help me—especially when I was just starting out. It’s just been hard watching liberal legislators pile on cumbersome restrictions despite, frankly, having no idea how to build a pandemic. Those regulations really hurt small virus particles. The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.” At press time, Covid-19 had celebrated its move with a raucous night hanging out in the atmosphere of local favorite restaurant Trudy’s North Star.\n
4/7/2021 3:50:00 AM
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Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could be walking along the road and spot a cool, crisp Jackson, and the last thing I’d want is the government trying to take it,” said Jacobson, adding that while he knew the odds of ever coming into that type of wealth were slim to none, he had to be prepared just in case it were to happen. “Opportunities like that don’t come around every day. How fair is it for the IRS to swoop in the second I hit it big and grab a piece of my $20 jackpot? Plus, it’s a matter of principle: If I find any amount of money lying on the ground, whether it’s a $1 bill, a quarter, you name it—that should be mine and only mine. Uncle Sam sure as hell ain’t the one bending over to pick it up. The more you tax those earnings, the more you’re going to disincentivize people like me from pocketing those dollars when they come across them. At a certain point, why even bother?” Jacobson added that should he ever be lucky enough to stumble across a $20 bill, the first thing he’d do is shelter his gains by depositing the cash in a shadow account in the Cayman Islands.
4/5/2021 11:30:00 PM
 • • • • • • • • • •

Covid Announces Plan To Move Operations To Texas Full-Time To Escape Burdensome Regulations

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates. “Obviously, I appreciate everything California and New York have done to help me—especially when I was just starting out. It’s just been hard watching liberal legislators pile on cumbersome restrictions despite, frankly, having no idea how to build a pandemic. Those regulations really hurt small virus particles. The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.” At press time, Covid-19 had celebrated its move with a raucous night hanging out in the atmosphere of local favorite restaurant Trudy’s North Star.\n
4/7/2021 3:50:00 AM
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