Eakins, a sales associate at Cooper’s Furniture Outlet for the past three years and someone whose height and strong build would have made him a fearsome adversary in a Bronze Age civilization, reportedly spoke to the couple for several minutes about the love seat’s price, durability, and stain-resistant fabric.
The man whose body would have been lavishly adorned in amber, gold, and the bones of his vanquished foes then reportedly flipped through a ring of different-colored fabric swatches to show the couple how the love seat would look in white, off-white, beige, mocha, sage gray, and charcoal.
jrhennessy He is pretty hot ngl
rubyclaire63 His tie is pretty fierce.
Nah there were already salesmen 4000 years ago.
that one bit about him going to his supervisor got me lmao
🤣
Is that burgundy?
literally me, except for the part where he has a job
'Most people think Marv is crazy. He just had the rotten luck of being born in the wrong century. He'd be right at home on some ancient battlefield swinging an axe into somebody's face. Or in a Roman arena, taking his sword to other gladiators like him.' -Sin City
A matching ottoman huh? Tell me more, chief.
This is gold. It's something about the contrast of couch stores and horrifying battle spikes.
Read the article in Peter Rosenthal’a voice. Thank me later.
soeweak
My head canon is he IS a powerful, revered warrior 4,000 years ago, but got reincarnated in the post-modern world as an intrepid furniture salesman. No worries though, as another 4,000 years from now he will be born again as a religious cult leader in the post-apocalyptic world.
Bravo Onion.
‘It’s from our Ancient Mesopotamian line of recliners and sectionals..’
One of my all time favs. 👍🏼
The turnover of warriors was slightly higher than the turnover at the furniture store.
Classic!
You guys peaked with this one
Naw, Aaron would have been one of the 50% of children who died before adulthood .
Yes, but is it scotch guarded?
How about Tiny Tim? Who would he have been 4,000 years ago?
Babylon Bee tweeting this but unironically 😂
The only sward fight he's gonna see is if he is ever invited to an incel party!
That’s mean.
this is one of my favorites
La-Z-Boy warrior prince. They may take our lives, but they will never take our recliners!!
Right? I’d have been a mighty shaman of some Icelandic tribe. Or a disgraceful murderer.
Classic onion. I wonder what the Onion staff would have been 4,000 years ago.
Estrogen came in full power in the XX century to kill these warriors 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You guys would never dream of making this joke with a black man
What is best in life? Stain resistant fabric and ottoman for only $100 more.
That's awesome, needed the laugh!
😂😂
Hey, you have no idea what he gets into.
he probably would have owned a chariot too (sees self out) 👋
And he would have died by age 28. But damn, what a dominant warrior he would have been for at least 6 of those years.
Pretty sure that same guy sold me a very good 5-disc CD player back in 1990.
I’ll take air conditioning and a fridge over reverence and power.
This is fucking ludicrous and I love it
This is brilliant in a particularly weirdass way. 😎
2real4me
bronzeagemantis 👆
dont you miss the feudal system
Nice compliment
If that's so then he probably has a cellar full of dead bodies.
joecruzin flobagel yaboi_denny read the article
'Are you not entertained... By these incredible prices!?'
I would have been dinner for a saber tooth tiger 4000 years ago. dontleavethecave
Let's here it for evolution! Hip-Hip-Horay! Hip-Hip-Ho.... If I'm the only one that's going to do this, then forget it.
ColinEppard
Hahahaha ha ha
This is quality stuff
Can feel his pain 💪😎
Hey he finds his niches where he can!
MGTOW
Good job . Pretty sure this is why I’m an alcoholic. The disparity between my DNA and our current reality.
Bed Bath & Beyond is changing it's name to Bullshit Beyond Belief.. They want to give the customer the true sense and meaning of shopping at their stores.
This is such a good article. Brilliant
This tweet hits closer to man’s existential crisis more than I think the Onion was trying to get
a simpler time
MathieuGod
It's the chin and if you know him he is a Powerful, Revered Warrior he is just humble
A warrior for the 'ottoman' empire...
'300 was a documentary.'
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