National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification

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WASHINGTON—With their current condition “marginally breathtaking at best,” America’s national parks will be closed this week for their exhaustive annual cleaning and remajestification, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Monday.

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“It’s that time of year again when we roll up our sleeves and begin the painstaking task of resplendoring our parks,” Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said. “After a long off-season, the foliage has grown lackluster, our mountain streams have lost their crystal clarity, and even the sparrows’ songs are flat and desultory. So please excuse the noise and dust as we prepare our country’s scenic wonders for their grand reopening on Memorial Day.”Each year, all 84.

At Yosemite, officials have been dispatched to reposition the necks of swans for optimal poise and grace, while rangers at the park have been instructed to “get out there and comb those bears.”“People don’t realize how quickly the beauty and enchantment of these places gets depleted,” Walter McCoy, a ranger at Maine’s Acadia National Park, said as he pulled up last year’s carpet of pine needles and laid down a fresh one.

Sources confirmed the U.S. government makes $30 million each year licensing its proprietary morning-dew recipe to other nations, earnings it then devotes toward modernizing the infrastructure of America’s natural beauty.“These meadows aren’t going to sun-dapple themselves,” Sequoia National Park superintendent Karen Taylor-Goodrich told reporters Monday. “Just today, I was on Moro Rock looking at the Western Divide and the resplendence factor was maybe three out of 10—hardly jaw-dropping awe.

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That Windex should only be used for shining beaks and talons - NEVER spray directly onto feathers!!!

Bald eagles were starting to sounds little bit like overgrown seagulls, but after after getting refurbished, they once again sound just like overgrown seagulls.

Shit, I knew the birds were fake! Now bald eagles can spy on us too? What has this world come to?

I'm still baffled over how the guy got the the eagle to sit still without packing his eyes out. Well done Mr. Ranger Sir

I know this is a joke because the govt can't even afford to stock the national park bathrooms without donation funding... there's no way in heck they could afford a week long remajestification project.

I thought they cancelled that.........after Trump used all their money for his fuktup parade.

The Squad tweets parks have never been majestic and that eagle is a racist bird and needs to be replaced with something less intimidating. Eagle chirps ‘over my dead body.’

Make America Remajestified Again! Put that on a hat and sell it to the Boomers!

Is that when they turn off the waterfalls fo cleaning? yosemite

Rangers union condemns this year’s Remajestification budget after President uses funds for an unmajestic Fourth of July party.

ajwhitewolf Reek of hibernation!

I’m in charge of painting the grass at Arcadia. It always has to be green. Boring!

Translation: Clean up the trash from the IndependenceDay onslaught and check for new additions to the moronic and disrespectful graffiti.

mkhehra17

Well it did say from sea to shining sea.

Nope Closed for Bald Eagle target practice

Pluck the white feathers, it's not bald enough!

Yeah you can tell this was written well before Trump was installed. Now it'd be too ridiculous even for the onion to suggest they have the funds to polish a bald eagle.

and to change out squatters

She’s ready for her closeup Mr Deville.

Your tax $$ at work folks!

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