Report: Doing Your Part To Stop Climate Change Now Requires Planting 30,000 New Trees, Getting 40,000 Cars Off The Road, Reviving 20 Square Miles Of Coral Reef

📆 6/26/2019 1:42 PM
📰 TheOnion

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PROVIDENCE, RI—Redefining the necessary adjustments required to address the accelerated pace of the growing global environmental crisis, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Brown University concluded that a single individual who wishes to do their part to stop climate change must remove 40,000 cars from public roadways and revive 20 square miles of coral reef. “As long as everyone on the planet intensifies their efforts by personally clearing 6.5 tons of plastic from the ocean, installing 7,000 solar panels in their community, and cutting back their use of fresh water by 300 million gallons, the human race may still have a shot at slowing climate change,” said atmospheric scientist Dr. Lauren Moffat, who further noted that each person on the planet would also ideally commit to saving at least three species from extinction every month while simultaneously working to reduce the world’s population by 1.3 billion in order to forestall global environmental collapse. “Some believe it may be too late to reverse the damage humans have done to our planet, but individual change can start with something as small as picking up four tons of garbage every day. At this point, it’s a cultural imperative for everyone to pitch in by performing small but measurable tasks—such as replacing 150 hectares of industrial buildings with hardwood forests in every U.S. city—if we want to stall the meteoric rise in global temperatures for a few more years.” Moffat added that reversing climate change can be as simple as removing every single car from the road or perfecting cold fusion.

Write Comment

I thought you only posted funny fake stories? Not depressing facts.

It's almost like just making oil and diesel more expensive isn't going to help anyone but the profits

Oh? Is that all?

goddammit onion i thought you posted humorous news not actual real shit

woof

kill 2 bird with 1 stone, slash a bunch of cop tires

on it

I just went snorkeling and the reef in southern Mexico looks pretty alive to me lol

yeah f that. my carbon footprint will be in xxxl

check out EarthStrikeInt

Following the news yesterday that ALF killed himself I felt like this was an appropriate picture to add here . We are killing the oceans with feces and poop too. We are killing the whales and indigenous people of America. When is enough enough !?!

Yeah Okay I'll get started on that right away.

I turn my lights off when not in use. I do my part.

Done and done. Kinda, sorta. In just a wee little bit. Mike E Metro rockin D

I'm sure we can handle two out of three by driving all the cars into the ocean.

The world's leading climate scientist James Hansen in the Guardian. Governments today, instead, talk of 'cap-and-trade with offsets', a system rigged by big banks and fossil fuel interests. Cap-and-trade invites corruption. It's an oil industry scam.

Get to work people

Big business funded satirists continually promote multi trillion dollar Enron created banking / carbon trading scam, shock.

Good luck with that. Don't hold your breath.

How about plastics.

I have a busy week - is Saturday soon enough?

I’m good. Check with India.

Yep! 👌👌

This is on top of being told that only YOU can stop forest fires.

Nothing greener than abortion.

What else you gonna do in your spare time?

-- ...in India and China.

But I’m already spelling out “I LOVE THE EARTH” with a garbage pile of plastic straws in my neighbors yard

What does everyone else have to do? It looks like I got all the hard jobs!

And building a time machine.

Why does everyone seriously think they have an impact on the environment?

Or not having children and killing yourself. Challenge accepted!

On it.

*counting on fingers* I'm about a half of percent of the way there.

But I recycle!

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