Purdue Pharma Reports Opioid Deaths Falling Short Of Quarterly Goals

📆 10/21/2020 7:57 PM
📰 TheOnion

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STAMFORD, CT—Lamenting that the numbers were much lower than the company had anticipated, Purdue Pharma officials reported Monday that deaths from opioids had fallen well short of their quarterly goals. “For the third straight quarter, we’ve experienced a disappointing and underwhelming quantity of deaths among OxyContin users, and we’ve simply got to find a way to turn those numbers around,” wrote CEO Craig Landau in a company-wide email, adding that while the number of new opioid addicts continued to keep pace with their projections, it wasn’t translating into the anticipated growth in fatal overdoses the pharmaceutical manufacturer had planned on. “The board of directors is increasingly frustrated with the direction of the company, and it’s important to remember that we can’t just maintain the status quo of opioid deaths—we need to become more lethal in nearly every demographic, particularly with minority users. We’ll soon be announcing some changes that are part of our new company roadmap to hopefully double or even triple the number of Americans who succumb to opioids by this time next year. We need all hands on deck if we want to bounce back with a deadly Q2.” To incentivize employees, Purdue Pharma officials also reportedly unveiled a new bonus program that pays employees $1,000 for every opioid overdose they personally cause.

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Nice...

😄

If things start to worsen the government will always be there to bail them out.

Nobody went to jail ‘ These cash settlements are paid by consumers

Thats what's happen when you focus on short term profits rather than the customers 😏

SpaceDorit0s

ChadMBriggs

I didn't ask for this level of resistance. I'll try to do better in Q1

Omg...what will happen to shareholder value?

Deliciously funny!!!

I volunteer as tribute

Man... the board must be so disheartened, especially since so many of those expected deaths are being stolen by Covid 19. They must be so tired of the pressure to do something about the pandemic, keeping them from hooking people on their drugs.

Unacceptable

Wow!! 😪

C’mon Onion, the Rudy thing broke out hours ago. You’re slacking

dark love it

They’re looking at the WENUS, and they’re not happy!

This lawsuit doesn’t make any sense. How are you going to blame a company for your addiction? Isn’t that like someone suing McDonald’s for getting fat? Both are addicting right?

Purdue CEO: 'Damn that legal marijuana!'

Perdue should stick to making chicken flavored food.

Don't worry, lot of Republicans are about to be itching to ease the pain.

The rehabilitation centers are going to pick up the slack... Oh you're a drug addict come to our clinic and we'll put you on some new drugs...

Disappointing what 8 billion gets you these days.

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