Human İnterest, Optimism, Vol 36 Issue 26

Human İnterest, Optimism

Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had

Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had

9/17/2020 3:05:00 AM

Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had

INDIANAPOLIS–Despite assuming that he had lost every last possible ounce of hope long ago, area office-supply coordinator Bob Dempsey, 31, was surprised to discover Monday that he did, in fact, possess one tiny additional shred of hope, which he subsequently lost.

Advertisement"Contrary to the belief of coworkers, neighbors, distant relatives, and Mr. Dempsey himself, this so-called 'hopeless' man actually still had one infinitesimally small shred of hope, which he became aware of in the process of losing said last shred of hope," said noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "Oddly, it was only during that fleeting moment in which he was losing this additional micro-hope that he was able to realize that the hope had ever existed at all."

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"Unravelling this singular psychological event makes for a tremendous challenge for the trained therapist," said Wasserbaum, who is attempting to reconstruct the basics of the incident, believed to be the least epiphanic moment of self-discovery in the annals of modern medicine. "In fact, some might even say a challenge so daunting as to be hopeless."

AdvertisementDempsey's discovery and subsequent loss of the hope is believed to have begun at approximately 8 a.m. Monday, when he noticed a letter in his mailbox–which he checks every two to three weeks, usually finding nothing–from a German address unfamiliar to him. Unable to open the letter at the time because he was on his way to work, he left it behind to read later.

At some point during his workday, which consists primarily of sitting at a desk, staring into space, and occasionally placing a checkmark in boxes next to such words as "staplers" or "paperclips," he realized that the name on the return address was that of an old college friend who had moved to Germany years before and told Dempsey that "maybe you'll hear from me again sometime."

Advertisement"Apparently, though he had long since forgotten about the friend, there remained in Dempsey some residual, subconscious awareness that there was a tiny chance, however microscopically small, that he would one day hear from this person again," Wasserbaum said. "He must have realized this at some point during the day and experienced a slight sensation of excitement, looking forward to going home and reading the letter."

Upon returning to his squalid one-room flat that evening, however, Dempsey discovered that the letter was actually a notice from German authorities informing him that the friend had died in a fire and asking assistance in locating his relatives. The only reason Dempsey was sent the letter, sources said, was that his name was the only legible words from a charred college yearbook unearthed in the ash and rubble of the tragic blaze.

AdvertisementPrior to Monday, Dempsey had not experienced any loss of hope in more than three years. According to Wasserbaum, a majority of Dempsey's hope-losses hit him in successive ramrod batterings between the ages of 18 and 24. By the time he had reached his late 20s, Dempsey had lost enough of his remaining hope to be considered officially hopeless. Nevertheless, he forged ahead with his few tiny remaining shreds of hope–too insignificant to be considered hope to the average person–until a final devastating blow depleted his hope reserves in February 1997.

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"There have just been so many times he's lost hope over the years," Wasserbaum said. "There was the night of his senior prom, when his date and then-best friend drunkenly made out in front of dozens of classmates before openly mocking him in a group sing-along along with the rest of the senior class. This is just one of a lifetime of incidents. There was the time his recently discovered biological mother, for whom he had searched for years, told him, 'I have no son' at her own wedding, the first time they met. And one can safely assume that his rejection as 'unsuitable for conversion' by a pair of Mormon missionaries he attempted to befriend after they randomly knocked on his door must have cost him a significant amount of what precious little hope he had left. But this latest loss is one not even he could have anticipated, as he was unaware that he had any hope remaining at all."

AdvertisementIncredibly, even greater pain may still lie ahead for Dempsey. Experts fear that the German-letter incident may lead to the discovery of other Lilliputian bits of undiscovered hope, all of which are certain to be ultimately lost."If this poor, miserable wretch can finally lose every last ounce of hope, then at least his life will be relatively bearable, inasmuch as he will have nothing more to lose," Wasserbaum said. "However, as long as there is even the slightest chance, no matter how astronomical the odds, that he has more undiscovered hope left inside him somewhere, he will always have the inevitable loss of that hope hanging over him like a dank cloud of black soul-sludge, waiting to devour him in a pit of churning agony."

Advertisement"Of course, maybe this was the last time, after all, and he is completely hopeless for good," said Wasserbaum. "But even that scenario constitutes a form of hope, making his overall prospects of eventually finding a stable, hope-free existence a distant hope at best."

Read more: The Onion »

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over_kaffeinate 😂😂 DARUSSIANBADGER remember this meme from one of your vids 2020 be like Meh. Hope is like Dope, an illusion, an abstract idea, an emotionality, a dream, a non-real imaginary fantasy of internal chemical & electric flucuations in the brain. 🙃 This oneunderscore__ Why does make me cry today 😂😂😭😭

Jake_Feeman I love how literally no matter when this shows up on my timeline I’m just like yea ❤️ O...k? LMAFOOOO I AM MAN. The onion has done a profile of THElschlos ‘s fantasy squad. Must read LouisaLevine7 Wow, Louisa. How did you know I would feel this way today? mitchkharris this made me chuckle sadly

This was tweeted on my birthday and it's honestly perfect too real BrowneyBrowne this photo of me is weird Haha..? heckyessica This is everyone on the left today Wow. Just, wow. Sums up my 2020. ManUtd Eh? Everyone in 2020: the onion rly saw the future with this one God damnit man.... the onion dont miss haha

Haven’t had hope since March 2016😁😁😁 too close to home 😕 OrleansCamille So when did Nostradamus start working at the Onion? He was looking deep within himself when we all know hope floats. 'A young Christopher Lloyd waits to be called in to audition for Taxi.' Why am I in this article? Well this is an old one

Inspiring Cha0ticQu33r Now do the gender swapped one Bitch i buried all hope in 1971 Life unfolds beautifully sometimes This isn't satire anymore Amanst3r this happens to me on the daily. That couch is uglier than The Onion's sense of humor. TheOnionSucks Wasnt this posted before? hell yeah joegarden The good thing is that he is in therapy. Once hope is gone, it's all over. Unless therapy will work eventually.

It me. juliareinstein I give you credit, . When the real news seems to be lifted from your pages, you still manage some savage work. juliareinstein Dig deep. LMAOOOOOOOOOO LOLOLOLOL 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 I do hope, for hope sake alone, that his hope in the hope that he hoped he had is replaced, hopefully by more hope than he hoped he every hopefully hoped he had.

this is so deeply profound that it has levels it doesn't even know it has and couldn't even articulate if it did know 2020 in a nutshell Me So, hope is like the gas tank in my Kia Rio? You all are incredible I feel attacked Me playing Danganronpa. Well this one is just a meme, nothing to see here =/ they writing articles bout me now?

I have more facial hair so I am 1 up on this guy. me every morning joegarden is the original Local Man. Coach always said to give 110%. LouisPrice2 This you? 'this so-called 'hopeless' man actually still had one infinitesimally small shred of hope, which he became aware of in the process of losing said last shred of hope'

I feel seen Ever day is filled with new hope to lose Is this joegarden? Close to home GriffLightning man who thought he'd lost all hope annoyed at finding around his apartment little bits of hope that his ex didn't take with her Haha, what a nebbish! Me af I think I preferred the Onion when it did humour I like that this pic is low quality.

'What the hell was that!' exclaimed the hopeless man as he sat down, squishing the the newly arrived guardian angel that lived in his back pocket. toomanycords SocialistMMA Me IRL asslexander Did you give them permission to use your picture? He found out he was a Lancastrian? and if it weren't for bad luck, no doubt he'd have no luck at all

A lovely photo of joegarden! Is this funny because it's true? 😿,😹,😺...😿 Who's been spying on me? Ahaha fuck Bollocks he's a spitting image of my husband Life's like that. Finally. I am seen. 2020 in a nut shell. ◻️It’s inappropriate ◻️It’s spam ☑️ I’m in this post and I don’t like it TheMitchellMcK is this you?

I just really wanted there to be enough cream left in the carton for my coffee is all 2020 in a nutshell. Tell him to wait until Nov 4. That sums up 2020 for me

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Bill Gates on the Pandemic: ‘You Hope It Doesn’t Stretch Past 2022.’The philanthropist shares his thoughts about COVID-19 vaccines, America’s failures, and when we can expect real global relief. Bill Gates put 5G in my spreadsheet. F that guy. No vax kuku27 Unfortunately pandemic, by accident or design has come at a time, whose family/roots are unknown, making vaccine , treatment difficult. Additionally more are in pipeline, what can or will happen even god can't tell. Be prepared for worst that could happen to this planet.

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