Urinating is how dogs mark their territory.
If your dog has urinated in your home, quickly transfer all titles into their name and leave the property immediately.My dog has an unceasing, unquenchable need for attention that can only be satiated by the human touch and genuine affection. Can this be stopped?
Really....
I read 'deal with commie dog behaviors' and got psyched. Imagine my disappointment...
Elon Musk says you have to label this as satire or he will ban your account or something stupid like that
Too bad The Onion website is literally unreadable now with so many adds. Maybe there’s something funny under all those popovers.
But a cat
make sure to your friends who are furries
A bottomless pit of infantile need that never matures into anything else is man's best... something
SisterScene
Call laurenboebert
Yeah get a cat
Lol WmDeanFrench
Revolu
TiniestShrew
Bell Beefer dog?
When he went in the crate vs when he came out. Thanks !
It's more of a dream come through multiple sources of income I must say that I'm very proud of myself for the decision that I took sometimes you have to try the things you have not done before and never give up on it 👇👇👇👇👇 GregorySerenity
Get a cat
my dog right now has a hernia or cancer & I want to kill people. Not good times. Somehow dark chocolate truffles magically got into my room from the kitchen & she, a little rat terrier going on 7, at 5 including the toothpicks & went through blah chocolate poison stages but death
Would MTG fit in a crate?
Treat!
Is that a Border Collie? Send it to school; it's probably smarter than the owner
Onion needs to go into the crate for this unfunny piece
What do you think about..?🤣😜
Mr. Pickles
eat it
Just send these dogs to Fauci.
he :)
No
Sometimes it's helpful to eat his wet dog food with a newspaper while he watches closebye after swatting his dog butt, so, he learns to appreci--, eh, who am I kidding, I JUST ENJOY IT -Some Other Guy, but not that guy from before, it's, another dog
I find if I piss on the carpet too, he learns to stay in the corner, which is a vast improvement over, everywhere. - Just Some Guy
give them pets
they need a minimum of 1 hour of physical exercise and being able to sniff, sniff sniff (that's their reading) 2x per day. If you can't do that, don't get a dog. Running your dog on the sidewalk doesn't cut it - they need trees, other dog smells/interaction.
There was a time when a dog's place was in the backyard. Cold and alone. Left to ponder it's own existence. Real, meaningful soul searching. Now you take 'em to Starbucks and paint their nails.
What’s wrong with you?
I sure hope not!
Leaders such as Putin have learned to exploit this weakness with their dogs to achieve strategic political aims. Nowhere was he more successful & wise than with his Lapdog, our Former One...
How can you say 'No' to those eyes?
NewRX3
Death solve this problem.
tomharrisonjr 28delayslater
No. It can't be stopped.
BRING BACK JACKIE HARVEY. I guarantee your dog won't need obedience school after that apotheosis.
Shondarius_ me when I talk in the bh groupchat
PET THAT PRECIOUS BABY! PET IT NOW!
Simple. Put it down.
Nope not good
Yes. Going to have to put the dog down.
Have you seen Old Yeller? I feel like you haven't seen Old Yeller. Watch it. Then, you'll know.
Cool
Took me a minute, lol
😂
funnybutreallylong
edibles.
Shedding skin? Is the owner using an exfoliant on him? So I guess I am calling PETA on you.
Give him a shot of morphine
Experts on dogs suggest the only true solution is to cater to their whims: stay home, give them scratches and pats, and feed them the best cuts of meat.
A good deep dickin’ usually does the trick.
⚠️ Verifying the edit history of the posts?
sounds way too stressful. euthanize it
See, you could have stopped at 'get a cat' and the article would have been perfect. But you had to go and make jokes about the crate and now everyone's triggered. Tsk, tsk.
Start to feed him body parts of your frenemies as a reward for more subdued behavior. AModestProposal for reinforcement.
9 mm
Bark back dummy
She has the answer
You smell like cat?
File a restraining order.
All of the problems can be fixed with a cat. When they get excited you can't tell. Scared...they hide. Pee or poop on floor...they only do it if litterbox is dirty or otherwise unusable so it is YOUR fault. CatsRule
Mine too...CC
Maybe it’s because he’s a dog and that what they do . Duh
Smells like mom’s casserole, doesn’t it?
Where do you keep your dope? Have you been released lately?
Wash your clothes once a year at least?
Because you slathered it in peanut butter?
Because you keep putting peanut butter there, you big perv.
If only I were this easy... lol
onion
'CRATE TIME!!' 🤣
Dog-human codependency ftw!
People soon discover they like that citrus dog repellent as much as their dogs
It ain’t just dogs, folks…
JessicaVosk is the Fred Vosk?!?!?!
Taser!
I'm telling on you to dog_rates
If you want your dog to be small, don't bark, don't need to be walk, and eat a vegan diet, just get a rabbit.
There are NO bad dogs, just bad owners.
😔
This is excellent advice. Thank goodness they keep continuously reposting it.
BrodHiggins
HERE FOR THAT PICTURE THO WHAT A CUTE AF DOG I LOVE THEM THEY CAN DO NO WRONG
Good advice!
My dog always corrects my grammar? How is I fix this here snag?
Buy a cat.
Our kind has our ways
Old Yeller?
Gaff tape a rubber hose from his dick to his mouth for a few days.
Rub my nose in it
Let the cat deal with it.
Snitches get stitches!
Just tell the authorities you and your dog are really close, and identify as one person. That way, by the 5th Amendment, you can’t “be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against” yourself - which includes you & your dog. 😂 Entirely a joke above. 😉
No one would ever know
Bad dog goes to puppy jail.
tell the authorities that your dog is being framed by the Mafia and that he did nothing wrong
Never
obviously not.
Mine is taking asylum . . .
Hells to the no! He wouldn't.
Resist search warrents.. There may be a ton of bones buried in your backyard.
My dog token thinking it's about him
How could you turn in those eyes?
Fido knows what he did was bad. Very bad! [*rubs Fido's face in the murder*]
😆😆
Boop the snoot!
No
Ask Joe Biden....he has a problem pooch
Yes, but I’m biased. He tried to kill me and my family.
esmeybe21 could be good info to know if a certain dog follows through on her plans
You probably should cooperate with the authorities unless you want to be Hounded!
innocent
He should be hounded by the authorities
Bitch don't snitch
Does the country have an extradition treaty ?
Um, no. If your dog committed murder it was probably for a good reason
No! Look how cute he is!
🤣😜..
Awww how can you accuse this fluffy baby of murder... Look at his eyes! 🥰🥰🥰🥰
Don’t be a rat
cc: TheGoldenRatio4 & VoodsFoods
Why you asking you have no loyalty unlike your dog 🤬
never snitch on a dog
barking bad
Shit and I thought house training was the toughest part of owning a dog. Turns out it’s felony aiding and abetting charges.
Good boy gone bad.
Nah mate. Dog probably had a good reason.
commentiquette narfi is on an onion article
Photoshop or film your neighbor's pet
My dog quit digging up the backyard after I quit burying bodies there
Give dog some usage time online. Stop hogging all the bandwidth streaming nonsense.
it’s narfi commentiquette
Looks like Narfi commentiquette
He can start by posting more on Facebark about how cats are jerks. Because cats *are* jerks.
My dog refused to wear a mask
starving and beating in my professional opinion
My dog won’t save the cat when I throw it in the pool
my goldfish refuses to climb a tree and I'm fucking pissed!
Dog: *breathes* The Onion:
Give them to humans of like mind. Hoarders are a good match having so much stuff around that a few chewed or destroyed items won't even be noticed. In some cases its the only way the pets can survive.
We must deal with the dog owner's problem first.
Read the book: To Heel and Back, one Man's Journey Into the Heart of Barkness.
Omg he's so cute
I’ve realized I’m not as much of a dog person as I thought I was. I don’t really pet him anymore, he doesn’t really ever greet me anymore. He lives his life. I live mine. We’re like roommates At this point
Glare accusingly, judgingly for no more than 3 seconds. Then, clean it up and hug your pup.
Ritalin 0.5 a day with meal.
i think it was around the 10th time i picked up my dogs chew toy while she laid on my lap that i realized she was training me
The best solution is to take them out for a beer and have a 'come to canine' moment
Euthanasia
give em treats
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