“I’m sorry you have to see me like this,” I cried. “I hate it. I don’t want you to have to nurse my broken heart over another—”
I wanted every moment to feel like the climax of a romantic comedy. I loved the escalating dopamine, the swooning, the anticipation. Close relationships with other men and women provided me with an escape from real-life drudgery in a way my marriage never could, because my marriage was tied up in shared stresses like finances and sick dogs and exploding kitchen pipes.
A few years after Dave and I began seeing other people, Dave’s interest in dating waned. He didn’t mind that I continued to date, but had grown bored with it himself. “It’s not worth the work,” he would say. Dave craved simplicity, precision. Perfectly folded T-shirts and relationships with clean lines. While Dave continued to enjoy the existence of his permanent hall pass, and flirted regularly, he dated rarely.
I had told Dave repeatedly that I would stop dating other guys if he ever wanted me to. Our security as a couple was paramount. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t deeply afraid to lose my open relationship. Would I resent Dave? Would I be bored or depressed? Was non-monogamy a vice I would replace with something else? Would we both be...happy?
I tentatively researched open and “alternative” relationships. I followed the Polyamory tag on Medium and Instagram. I read I admired Frida Kahlo and her circle of lovers. I investigated the exploits of my ancestors in the court of Louis XIV, and learned that women in my family have been addicted to boytoys since the 17th century. In 2021, polyamory is all over the media.
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