“This is how it feels to be pregnant again after a miscarriage”

One woman shares her joy and fear about being pregnant again after five miscarriages.

10.10.2019

'We managed one healthy pregnancy and one healthy baby and it feels like we’re pushing our luck.'

One woman shares her joy and fear about being pregnant again after five miscarriages.

Not long after that, number six. We were exhausted. And I realised I was angry. Why did we do this again, we cried to each other, what was the point? This, we said, should be the last time. No more. Fortnightly scans revealed a growing grey smudge, but we could take no heart from that heartbeat, trying its best. We’d been there before. We held hands through our very first 12-week scan in complete silence. After, the sonographer was shocked to hear what we’d been through. “But you were so calm, I was thinking you were the most chilled couple I’d seen all week!” We nodded. Not chilled, terrified.

We tentatively started to relax. Until the morning I had stomach pain and within minutes, the gossamer-fine veil making us look like any other expectant couple was shed. I cried on the phone on the way to the hospital. Once again we silently hung on to each other waiting for the nurse to find the heartbeat. It took forever. It took long enough for us to look at each other and shake our heads slightly, to flash through how it was going to be from there on in.

“We managed one healthy pregnancy and one healthy baby and it feels like we’re pushing our luck”

, the uncontrollable anxiety leading up to lying on a bed with crinkly paper tucked in your waistband in the same room where someone told you “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”, sometimes again and again and again. I’m sorry, it’s gone, I’m sorry, there’s nothing there, I’m sorry.

“It’s hard to enjoy a pregnancy while checking for blood every single time you go to the toilet”

It’s hard to enjoy a pregnancy while checking for blood every single time you go to the toilet. When obsessively worrying your symptoms have eased, or that twinge felt like it did the time it went wrong.

Read more: Stylist Magazine

I suffered a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my daughter. I couldn't even enjoy being pregnant with her, I had constant high blood pressure with every dr appointment 'cause I was so scared. I had anxiety the entire time I was prgnant. She is a happy and healthy 3 1/2 now.

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