My parents hid the fact I was adopted, but I instinctively knew

When I was six, I asked my mom whether I was adopted.Since the trauma of maternal separation is preverbal, my body remembered being ripped away from my birth mother, even if I didn’t yet have language for it.When I turned 10, I tried again. The intuitive feeling that I wasn’t related to my parents never went away. It only intensified. This time, my mom confirmed that my biological parents had given me up for adoption as a newborn, and they had adopted me to raise me as their own.

Many adoptees struggle with depression, addiction, mental health illness and suicide ideation, and there’s research to support the statistics. A US study found that adoptees are 43% more likely to experience substance abuse, and research from 2013 found that adoptees are four times as likely to try and take their own life as non-adopted people.

Growing up under the impression that I was Chinese, like my adoptive family , I also learned that I was in fact Filipino. There were papers, a two-page letter, a poem from my mother, and black and white paper photos of my biological parents. In my biological mother’s letter, she expressed that they wanted to keep me. I wanted to find them, but I couldn’t afford the fees adoption agencies charge to help with this so I took matters into my own hands and went off the bits of information I had.

Having no guide on how to reconcile our loss, my birth mother and I lost each other for a second time. While many adoptive parents believe they’re protecting their child by not being forthright, secrecy will not only have an impact on that child’s mental and emotional well-being, I believe it will also negatively affect that relationship.On a similar note, I don’t believe that there’s any reason to change the last names of children to match the adoptive parents’, as this only serves the adopters.

There’s no doubt that raising a child is expensive and not feasible for some parents, but taking a child away from their family should not be the first port of call. Adoption is a multi-billion dollar industry here in the US – imagine if that money went to supporting mothers and families instead.

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