hen Bruce Joel Rubin was writing Ghost, he didn’t think about the Oscars it might win or the money it would make . Instead, he drew on an intimate moment from his past. When Molly, played by Demi Moore, tells her boyfriend Sam that she loves him, all he can say in return is: “Ditto.” Back in his college days, Rubin was the ditto guy, unable to echo his then-girlfriend’s heartfelt sentiment. But for an unusual reason: he was gay.
His actual guru, Rudi, the Jewish owner of a Brooklyn antiques shop, routinely slept with his students, including Rubin. “It’s a dark spot,” he admits now. “But I love him, and he provided me with a level of awareness that has served me beyond belief.” He still has the three-dollar Buddha figurine that Rudi sold him. When Rubin pointed out that it was chipped, Rudi replied: “Search for perfection in yourself, not in external objects.” Bear that in mind next time you’re trying to return an item.
He was convinced this would make him a pariah. “There were no clubs I knew about, no way to announce that part of my sexuality,” he tells me. “I had no idea there were so many people who were invested in the same ride.”Rubin links his sexual identity to his talent. “Being ‘other’ is what led me to be a writer. I had to step out of the mainstream of life and look at it from a different angle. Finding yourself on the fringe of human experience is a gift rather than a torment.
Rubin has no regrets about putting his gay self to one side. “Clearly, I held back my sexuality. My sexual life was always very internalised. Of course, one wants orgasmic life, but I had orgasms with Blanche. She and I had a good sex life.” Was polyamory an option? “We had a conjoined relationship with a guy I liked in our ashram. She had a private moment with him, and so did I. Also, I had a few other things along the way, which I didn’t write about because they might embarrass people.
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