At their root, all defensive behaviors have this in common: sending a message to the other person that what the person is saying is wrong or a problem. What’s more, the message is that the person is “out of line” for addressing them or attempting to hold them accountable for something in the first place. The takeaway message is that such confrontation — as fair or appropriate as it may be — is unacceptable and will not be allowed.
In the moment, the frustrated party often feels stunned and confused, as if they’ve been cast as an opponent or enemy all of a sudden, dismissing altogether the history the two have as allies. In this situation, people often feel like saying, “Wait, it’s me! Remember? You’re reacting like you don’t know me or, worse, like you hate me.
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