Why Is Emotional Splitting So Hard to Deal With?

), a form of therapy developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., to help individuals with BPD learn to manage their emotions and impulses. The belief is that as an individual learns to use these tools, they will also develop healthier relationships.

Because BPD often affects every corner of an individual’s life, it is not something that changes quickly. Therapists, clients, and family members have to recognize that change occurs not only slowly, but in small steps. This is not always easy for family members, who may have suffered the consequences of a client’s behavior for many years.

If you are dealing with a loved one, a friend, or even a colleague who tends to split, you might try these three techniques with them:While you cannot stop them from splitting, you can let them know that you can’t listen to them when they are yelling or saying hurtful things. A simple statement can help. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t process what you’re saying to me when you’re speaking like that. I’m going to end this conversation now, and we can take it up another time.

Splitting is not healed by forcing someone to see your point of view or to integrate their own intolerable and/or conflicting feelings. But over time, it can be diminished in the face of a relationship that can survive in the face of these intense, distressing, and conflicted feelings. However, a relationship cannot survive if the person who splits is not willing to work on managing his or her impulses and emotions. Both tasks are difficult — and both are key to making change.

It is, in the end, a combination of learning to manage the emotions and trusting that another person will hang in with you while you do so that can gradually make a difference.

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