The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

SILVER SPRING, MD—Asking the public to exercise caution and notify authorities if they encounter the “extremely dangerous” natural disaster, the National Weather Service released a

composite sketch Friday of a tornado that officials believe is responsible for devastating the Midwest. “While none of our eyewitnesses were able to get a good look at the tornado up close,…

I hate macarons. They taste terrible

I sense you learned from Adam Ragusea. XD

Somebody has to ask. Why in hell is The Onion on TikTok? Tying in more infrastructure to that increasing obvious tech security issue?

Glad you're not banned yet

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA very insightful

All jokes aside, the Elliott Smith tunes nudges this from top-tier to magical. Goddamn, what a movie.

Truly one of the movies of all time

It is indeed a movie. With characters and plot.

I would die for this man

My only objection to 'Good Will Hunting' is that it needed more chalkboard math.

L

Yeah, just take your pants off, you can do that yourself.

He'll be framed.

Not by “hatchet, axe and saw” YKIYK

Texas has trees?

I’m convinced writing for The Onion is the best job in the 🌍.

Yes!

SlipItIn.mp3 lovetheplayahatethegame

I kinda wish I spent more time reading Mad Magazine. I feel I've missed out on multiple zeitgeists.

And he's right... Was sorry

When did the start doing news instead of parody

I know the feeling

What a sicko.

Um

Does TikTok play well on tv?

1 billion Indians flooding the Internet to practise English language, is not expansion, it is a tsunami. The Tinternet, screwed the Internet.

he should do this

Justice Breyer embarks on his 'long walk', a tradition in which a retiring Judge ventures into the 'Cursed Earth' wasteland 'to bring law to the lawless'.

Meh🤷‍♀️

Jesus the onion is unfunny anymore - who the hell is giving this a like, it’s toilet humor, at best

So brave.

Some men associate makeup with beauty, because prostitutes is all they fuck.

Good Will Stalking

Or join My face Dot Com - the app that shows you your face on demand and only your face on demand

It’s pretty wholesome if you imagine a dog thinking all this

Credit me next time

so far it's working.

It all makes sense now!

that babar angry af what's wrong with him wft

Shhhh I am trying to hack your Website, quiet please !

I mean I know you've gone downhill faster then a crack head but you're really scrapping the barrel now.

No onion in the vid :/

itchie finger

Now I know I am more powerful than at least 1 employee at The Onion.

What

Mood

0/10 no body horror

Sucks to suck. Next time just have more flexible arms.

Delightfulqt

i was so expecting this to cut to a troll

As a big DPRK guy I must say I love this!

spicy

Bite into

Lol

I can't stand to be in the same state as my dad. That's the only thing keeping him alive.

Transparent, unlike Google. IM IN!

I miss snuff videos😔

The dance though 🤣

You know out there somewhere at least one deranged person is going to take this seriously.

Her eyes, I'm trying to swipe...left....on....twitter....not...going...away...

Kinky

I was NOT drinking. I was getting high and playing video games.

I wish my dead ex-husband could see this, knowing that it's about him.

The Onion just attacking me personally this morning.

Wasn't this posted like a few weeks ago lol

Jokes on her, I’m living in my very own apartment now. AND I’m dating an 18 yo, which is awesome cause I only have to see her after she does her homework.

What the fuck is this man? Lol..

Man, that is not what I needed rn onion :(

I feel attacked…… but seen.

She only got in the way of your drinking and video games. You don't need her. Plus that dude? He's totally pussy whipped.

bruh the onion is spitting straight facts ong 💀

GetVideoBot

love the blood sweat and swag poured into the content nowadays

'our boyfriend'?👀

and then when jay living there also, right under my room when I was living there there was a shit load of crashing and crap right under my floor. There was also a rancid smell coming from the basement.

Bring back a few shows like today now

you guys gunna gimme dat api? I haz chatrooms!

Duck and cover?

Let's talk SPF

We have to find a way to make nuclear attacks more inclusive and sustainable.

Clever!

Lizards are good. I can do lizards.

Dinosaurs could've gone bipedal.

I, for one, welcome our reptilian overlords

This better work

iiTalW

😂

Fixins

I got food poisoning there once.... never went again

Hey it's this place

What if I'm too old for TikTok?

FUQ TIKTOK

. I'd rather pave it with labor, my precious veggie savior. Thumbs are only opposable to the lasers. Lightning ain't no favor. IGN

😂

😂

man's really had to slip that one in at the end💀

chef's kiss on the ending *mwah*

Interesting that decided to change their gig from funny to stupid.

I don't get it

Perfect ending

👁💚🧅

Why don’t you guys just make an app and have your team of writers and videographers fill it with as much content as tik tok every single day. It’s such an obvious business model.

oh so you think its ok to joke about flying indoors now

Republican politicians and conservative justices want to mess up lives of millions of women but don't want to clean up any of it.

Heartwarming

I got new token pump recommendations

My kid are bad I'm giving them bars of Xanax

Dealing with kids all day? That's a true story.

Cute!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ lol you just know the sex is gooood 🍆🍆🍆🐹🍑. Some people are just so lucky to find men like that 🙄

this new bit is awesome

I’ve loved The Onion since the early days of the Web—I first visited the site sometime in the late 90s, with an early favorite being from the 9/11 special “Holy Fucking Shit - America Under Attack”. CLASSIC. 😂❤️🇺🇸

Ooh! I may be entitled to compensation!

website is awesome 100% recommend

i love website!!

Slice up a lemon in boiling water, steam up the inside - and clean away... then drink it Trumpkins

So are ya’ll on Tik Tok? You ought to Tweet about it.

It'd be some very good snark to respond with 'Now that's a good joke'. Although I think The Onion is actually pretty funny so the snark would be a little inaccurate (by my sense of humour, anyhow).

EmmaKlement1 QueensDontCry sunseptile

Hawt

I definitely trust with my personal data 🤣😂

Them thangs look good.

You guys are using your thumbs?

Thank goodness they caught him before he committed something more serious like visiting neighbors or being homeless.

Wondering about the world is NOT wandering about the world *ERRR* wrang !

Great delivery as usual

Hell yeah true crime

Livestock can't give consent anyway. - Their Argument

Silly Onion, you're supposed to be satire.

Does Abbot give $10,000 bounty to those who can find violators? Can a bounty hunter and a perp be the same person?

Yea that is right does you don’t know watch your video

Consensual anal sex was illegal in Texas (Along with 12 other states) until 2003, so this isn't much of a stretch.

Yeah they would

Actually thought this was a legitimate headline for a second.

Now you're just giving him ideas. 🤣

Matt Groening sure seems bored these days.

And as the doctor cries out, 'Fake news! Look at me, I'm alive!', the brainwashed people around him continue to doubt and gaslight him: 'No you're not! Look at that, you're dead!'

Funny. I hope bts is ok…

Ha! What a bunch of cards! Those wacky fellas. So glad BTS survived.

Love the replying on the comment to reply on my comment. Please leave the last 4 of your Social Security and no worries about the Mothers maiden name, already got it.

It won't blow up, it will slowly expand and exude a planetary nebula all over the place. That's how I want to die.

That's why I like the sun the best it's like the king of all planets

Why not? Imagine being born on Earth and not being there to witness the sun blow up what a boring life that'd be.

I wish it.. 5 mio year alife in good condition able to fly to the sun i opt for all i be flying to a different system though

lol

Remind me, when is my mother's birthday?

At least you have a good reputation

A landscape screenshot of a portrait video of a landscape image. tis truly the cruelest of april fools day pranks.

Yo, Biden! Blow up Mount Suckmore!

United we explode .

Our gov is all smoke and no awesome explosions

OldShit

maybe if the video player didnt look like this ans there wasnt a nifty feature where if you tap the screen it puases, but you have to tap a tiny button in the corner to get it to play again

The onion watches Oak Island too

I find that hot that only you can access my personal data

can you do do the one where scientists find jackshit?

Awesome tweet

At a time like this

delete this.

Bezos has not time for 'urinating.'

this is Jeff Bezos I checked

For sure one of the best dot coms in the biz.

Easier to just start whipping it out as you walk to the restroom.

🤣🤣🤣

What if you hate TikTok?

Man gets foreskin caught in zipper

I thought tiktok was a boner tab sheesh

I laughed out loud. Mainly because I'm high

sure but cash app me 19.00 an hour every hour you read my data

Just don't peel it.

Dayum, I used to love the Onion. Okay, I still do, but I'm not moving to TikTok. Just say no.

🙃😆✌🥴

We're screwed...

It is like apes discovering fire.

Hi

Just guac on by.

It’s all at the end, all of it

Bring back your Youtube channel please

Do you support china?

twitter sucks but man tiktok. SMFH.

What “moon”…….?

Do not look at the moon! (just Google it if you want to read something at midnight)

THIS ONLY PREFIEWS OR CLIPS OF ALL THIS LOVE WRITE GREAT FOR KIDS

Thas just stupid

Please redo the ' Some bullshit happened' video!

God I have 2 of those hidden rooms in the apartment I’m in now! And at home 3.5 of them!

Not worth the Courtney Cox commercial. Her face is the real horror show.

Fake msg

Where are the provocatively dancing teenage girls and political hot takes?

Wow. Easyyy-eeeeeee

That was easy

I love website

What if I hate TikTok What do I do now Help

THE RIDDLER?

Be weird if the Ted Bundy serial killer is actually named Ted Bundy.

Aint he named george or sumn

IRS is whatever opposite to your hatred over vaccination, deadly virus, war con and murder, and us governance and politicans.

No one scrolls with their thumb.

Wait till you hear about Mary Jane! 🤯

Nice

TikTok is for lunatics. TikTok

I will not love website.

Sad, some Gen Z kids have parents who don't have conversations with them like normal families. Their knowledge of the recent cultural past is nearly non-existent.

No this is tiktok. As a user I can confirm

Hahaha … that’s pretty funny actually, when you think about it!

Lol. How dare he. 😂

omg

You’re probably have to evacuate this person into a bunker anywhere in the middle of atlantic. :(

The worst part of TikTok is TikTok.

Seems pretty insensitive to only show your videos, you need to be all inclusive and show my videos also

Finally. And I was getting worried nobody would ever make this.

Why don’t you guys have an app yet?

It consists of K-Y hiring a person of your choice that will show up to your home and spit in each of your mouths first. They have multiple uses for multiple orifices. Available now at Walmart,

finally Pfizer makes something usefull

Wow they collect my data too?

YOOO I NEED THIS

😂

FINALLY

Reader Beware ! you need to learn READING first you understand ? L E A R N 2 REED . . yes.. Eyes, paper, books, words, letters, symbols meaning, context and relations.. no.. not love making.. LEARN to REEEEED !!! Darn this *whooosh*

sign me the fuck up

Another paid propagandist of the rock lobby. Almost as bad as the harmful scissors conglomerate, which still encourages children to carry and run around with, daily. - Paper.

I was there. It was a rock. It’s just amazing. Northern Colorado is still abuzz from Steamboat to Sterling!

Holy shit, Onions doing NTR pornos now, really stretching those satirical muscles lately.

This is some doomer ass shit. Jesus.

He has her now, but you had her first! LOL.

Wtf Onion. NURSE!

'this seal is depressed'

I wonder what exactly the models/actors were told what the job was when they were hired for this.

It'll stop in a day or two. Just ignore it.

7£6++4

Must be drinking the wrong alcohol if he's depressed.a

That one was rough and close to home

This man is really bad at swallowing his feelings.

You know what’s also not fun? Firing your employees under the guise of relocation and refusing to negotiate with their union.

you bastards

brooklynfunbus MrKeithRomer

Both Biden and Sanders agree on this.

Some Puppets need batteries And who is in recharge ?

Hahahahaha - now that is funny.

Brilliant

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A PARODY 🤣🤣🤣🤣😂

I just fucking fell to this thinking it was real

Jim05702260

It’s not my thumb getting tired

That’s fucking hilarious.

satire is so lost on people who don't get it

Onion, the world has passed you by. Time to hang it up.

this is an old onion clip, but it fits even better today from august 2017

Not funny. 🥱

thank you ossifer.

Lol 😅

this is how you do satire TheBabylonBee

they're gonna play this next CPAC without realizing it was the onion

Something to think about letsshoplift

Art78344969

This one is nice 🤣

RAPL7NE

Of course Logan was going the wrong way. He was such a prankster.

Is this REAL!! can somebody fact check?! im getting worried, Jimin isn't picking up.

Nice

No cap! The were all burning!😂😂

Love it!

LETS FUCKING GOOOOO

ppl in replies theyre ridiculing how tiktok presents serious information and news and essentially yassifys everything

How are people finding this not funny? This shit is hilarious.

aedome

Why do you keep tweeting this after it got a bad response the last 3 times

Wtf this is too dark

No.

That's not even funny!

Dark

Wow ,usually your shit is funny as hell, but this? Um...sucks.

I don't get it

Lmao what?

Jesus Christ

Onion exploiting the 'asians can't drive' stereotype smh /jk

lol

What is this funny to you

Uh oh

IshmaelStarfor 😳😳

THE guy says ' ONE DAY OUR CAPTAIN IS JUST KICKING SOMEONE IN THE RIBS' WTF!!! AND HE WANTS US TO FEEL SORRY FOR THE COPS. REALLY?

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was trying to find an specific video on TikTok.

There's captioning on the official website (and the audio quality is better)

I think this video is in poor taste. Maybe I am not understanding the humor, but I don't think this is appropriate.

Brutal

Sad

NoahGrossman214 Wtf is he talking about lol... Every cop should worry about that. That's a good thing. Have your own cam footage to prove when things are cut out of context, and everything's good. If you're not an abusive racist piece of shit wtf do you have to worry about here? I don't get it

You need to add captions so everyone can enjoy your stuff.

I’m from Indianapolis, nice to see some representation. Google David Bisard!

Gold medal for keeping a straight face 😂🤣

you never know which day of total impunity will be your last

Power to the people!!!

'it's a predator' - ledger

🤣🤣🤣🤣

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 bravo!

🤣😂🤣

Nice subtle jab at Metro PD too

Genius! His delivery is 👌🏿🙌🏿 😂😂😂

Town_HollyRidge

Way too real

You will never know my shoe size

copcrisis campaigntoendqi

Brilliance.

Please open caption your videos! 🙏🙏

👍👍

China: *giggling and laughing*

hahaha i hope whoever you hired to do this made bank

uhhh, this is the same guy, right?

SendMeThisVideo

trust me when I say as some one of the same age group . Get off my lawn .And take your dancing as well.

no way! you’re being cheugy!

Ah, you can't fool me, there ain't no sanity clause.

this a reupload?

Alright which of your poor editors did you make do this video? You owe them food for this

It’s perfect that he’s off a beat. God bless this man.

I hope to be this awesome as this guy when I'm 58

Ultra pervertish but Hilarious!! 😂😂

Gen-X is staying out of this, as usual

FeitsBarstool this guy is coming for your crown

Yes, just caw machines would be good. Thanks

tbh this is kinda relaxing

More like this please!

God disliked this video

Nice, I can finally eat my donuts 🍩 with microplastics!

What a waste of bagels

Mine were so good that my stool also was shining like the glitter.✨ Can only recommend.

doing this to bagels is antisemitism

That is easily the second worst thing ive seen today

Wow

As long as I only eat them when she makes them, I'm safe, right?🤪

I DON’T WANT THAT!

I love website

For a second I thought this was real. Sadly considering the amount of crap on social media it could well be.

Love that everyone in the comments seems to have watched the video without sound

🤣😁

Waiting to see how pastramimachine riffs on these…

disgusting! Glitter should be outlawed! It never, never, never goes away...🤮

Wife: WHERE WERE YOU AND WHY TF DO YOU HAVE GLITTER IN YOUR TEETH?

Great!!!! Now young people will be pooping out sparkles!!

I don't love TikTok

Is all fun and games until the 'stalkee' call the police, they check your record, check your car, and they never stop until they make it to the basement of your house and they found your secret room and your name is Ariel Castro

Isn't that chelseaperetti ?

Stop stalking people.

Creepy.

Or just rely on Twitter to do the scrolling for me.

This is so relatable

Bring back Jim Haggerty. The people demand to be porked

You mean watch a state farm ad

Out walking one night and a moth flew into my mouth. I managed to spit it out, but it had the most incredibly sweet taste.

😈😈😏

_thisvid

I’m giving them a job to do. The least they could do is show some gratitude or stay at home.

Now if you'd said 'left thumb', that would have been spooky!

Eh..I have twisted humor, but this isn’t cool to joke.

what

:(

nagathovinakere this is confronting.

Look for the union label.

He must have anxiety issues

Well, in Chicago you can also having chance for rain of bullets.

So does my girlfriend 🍆 💦 👄

DELETE

😔

Morgan Freeman Bruce Willis John Wayne..

'Ooh, I like that guy. But I thought he was dead. Or is that the other guy I'm thinking of?'

Stop accurately describing my behavior and passing it off as satire!

whitelotus

That sounds like me…

Killers of the Flower Moon vibes

Unless, obviously, the author had no point!

Whoops there's a sequel

beenthere

Sounds like the GOP

TheRealDucktoad so many tissues JUST under empty mustard bottles at 858 Southbridge

OHHHH that’s why this guy has been lying under me for so long

'I'm in this picture and I don't like it'

Whatever

Arlington Guthrie got indicted for that kind of trash talk

😂

FWIW, when I am BAKING alone in my house, I refer to myself as KING BONG!!

Kiingtong

Man cooking fish declares himself Codzilla.

This level of lame loneliness is really resonating these days

King Tong vs Godspilla is a tour de force.

Better than what he’d call himself if he was cooking alone NAKED in his apartment..... 🤔 🤣🤣🤣🤣

😂👍

He hasn’t met Ah Sahm yet

There were meetings about this. Folks got paid. Time was spent. Questions were asked. I just love the entire concept of The Onion.

Thank you for bringing light to oft overlooked stories. 😆

Later that day, the same man, suffering from a delusion of grandeur, while looking in the bathroom mirror post-shower declares himself ‘King Dong’.

That means I'm Tongzilla.

This is the only place for news.

it sounds like a mooning party

alyankovic Bold of them to assume this isn't how I get hype for my week

alyankovic

alyankovic Tonight we're going to party like it's 1699.

alyankovic And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Al…

RastAmish way more fun

After 76 years of innovation, Markus Söder, wannabe chancellor candidate of the Christian Social Union in the upcoming federal election, presents: The retractable Swastika!

Eh, TheBabylonBee is funnier. Just responding because you showed up in my timeline thing somehow.

alyankovic And watching 'Dare To Be Stupid' at that same timeslot is a damning harbinger of the quality of thought the week will bring.

alyankovic alyankovic

The Onion may actually be the most creditable news source in all of America

RizzShow KingScottRules MoonValjeanHere

So good for so may reasons. Thanks again!

you was supposed to be a satire news brand!

JR - BAH GAWD, KING! CAESAR'S CROSSING THE RIVER! BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP! Lawler - ahhhhh! gauls! puppies! gauls with puppies! whoo-hoo!

edgy, in Biden’d America. Having dnc presidents kills comedy, because everyone is a pussy.

🤣

When interviewed Sun Tzu stated “ The art of war is to deceive . I will take down many enemies as I have the COVID and I signed in as John Smith .”

Ok this is pretty funny.

We could live this way, every day

There food though 😋 worth it

🙌🔥

was this before or after the el presidente margarita?

Blood for the blood god

you owned by Koch too? shit

that bastard

And the name of that dog is Bill Clinton.

CRYING!!!

shelter doggo doin a heckin reminis

When did the Onion go all Saturday Night Live and get so completely unfunny?

Was he better than me?

lol—been there, done that.

billymerksyou ❤❤

Took me a minute to get this because I thought it meant past the owner rather than the dog's past (previous) owner

What a bitch...

I had a cat who moved next door. I never spoke to her again.

What is all this exemplar nonsense, everywhere sounds like everyone is overdosing on Stan lee.

Good thing we didn’t know his previous owner’s name was “Woof”. But now it all makes sense.

Was this gujarati political joke?

I read that as 'past' instead of 'past' and was really confused for a while.

MayberrySarah

gkantor_18

This is the type of journalism we need

😳

Cat: told you he was shady.

I had a cat get Alzheimer’s and completely forget my childhood w him... the second family named him Floofy and it crushed me at the time 😂

👍👍👍🤣🤣🤣🤣

Major?

im laughing at this harder than i should be

Didn't know how, I'm not an expert.

This is the kind feel-good content the world needs right now

Even in a one bedroom, you will be incredibly surprised by what you might find moving furniture around

Roommate sleeping on couch/futon included. On-site laundryroom without change machine available.

This one hits close to home 😂

BREAKING: Boulder Police Chief Maris Herold says “10 fatalities at the scene,” including officer, after grocery store shooting.

LauraNirider Take up the hypnosis rape episode from svu!

Please fund a show like that

XONR8

it has brought so much happiness and joy to my family I'm now free from loans issues , I'm happy to be amongst those talking good about you. ErlaLza

'...we discovered you're probably innocent but we found you still black.'

MSipher Okay, but this is a legit great idea for a show and I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before

“Forget it. They’ll drag you in and out of appellate court and you’ll be lucky if you’re done with the whole mess before you retire... Make. The. Deal!”

I never liked Law and Order but I'd watch the hell out of this.

Ok but I want to watch this

I would watch that show.

Bout time

This would be good to watch

No.

😂🤣😅😆

I’d watch that....

🤣

Legit good idea.

Hire me

this is a funny gag and everything but I want to watch this show now

also, in flagrante

This isn't funny. You used to be funny. You've become bland and safe.

😂🎶

__koyaanisqatsi this you? If not I can go ask Baraka or samsara.

Or it's just the SNL intro

lol

I hear testosterone and hot coffee are the cause of most vaccine issues.

In other words: they attack the life in your genitals then laugh about it behind your back. That's what population control is: sterilization via innoculations.

Where's the funny?

🤡 That’s a day going to bed empty ...

I will be stealing this for every vax/antivax argument I stumble across on the internet. Thank you.

I would LOVE to get this on a shirt!

Dude must've had a Johnson as long as a fire hose to get tangled in a bicycle chain while peddling!

True

Has happened to me at LEAST 10 times. AT LEAST.

Bring back the old onion you new guys suck.

😄😄😄

Man, I hate when that happens. Thumbs up for relatable content!

Bummed about the coffee spill.

Is this a metaphor for the dangers or a liberal education?

that's pretty specific

Ouchie.

....and then filed lawsuits

You have been reading my diary. Shit, I just admitted I have a diary.

that's definitely going in VAERS

A long-lost, beloved Onion feature

🤔

oddly specific

What buttons are left to push?

I don't get it. I mean, I kind of get it--a DJ pulled a Jeffrey Toobin, you might say. But I am confused by the words 'software' and 'reopening.' His name is DJ Software? What does it mean to 'reopen'? He played? I'm a genXer and I guess the lingo is whooshing right over my head.

Y'all got cameras on me, Onion?

But the wedding guests were distracted by their cake.

New meaning to “Two Turntables and a Microphone”

“Alrighty, where were we”

A

A real DJ could do both, simultaneously.

this feels a little too political to me

Coachella

Ffs sake that was 30 years ago, and nobody was around, let it go

This can’t be about me I’m only 33! Hah!

Slumps that last that last that long are called permanents.

If nothing else, it’s an impressive streak to be written about.

Bring The Topical back you cowards.

Yes. Having to work a job you hate for 40 years will do that to you.

I’d say that got dark but fires are usually pretty bright

I laughed, while cringing. This is dark, and funny. Good stuff. I like to feel feelings once in awhile 👏😂

Busy 🐝

Proficient!

I assume the dog is included

Since he's batting a 1000, his agent has now been contacted buy Mets front office.

Jesus Christ

Oh damn, Onion, you savage

Hell yeah you are! No one does it with more clarity than 💥🌩️💥

a ticket-holder claimed 'i heard it was horribly produced & dont even get me started about drug-addled celebrities, but its got a dude & chick doing naked cartwheels down a gigantic self-excreting spider, so i figured id watch the movie in case whoever those fuckers r get famous'

Checking for during the credits:

ArbiterBrave

Credits are a permission to stretch

Does anyone find it a little suspicious that Qanon has stop posting right around the same time as has started posting again?

okay!

Today, and the rest of this winter if not my life on earth...

The Onion To see more unmatched reporting, visit ◯◯. Thank you very much📃 GangStalking VoiceToSkull TargetedIndividuals ElectronicHarassment 集団ストーカー テクノロジー犯罪

Clear the breach and try again.

:)

I didn't know they had true stories there.

CopingMAGA

Well there goes the entire political establishment

asanderson27 Jstnklsy

adamlevitan therealatkins 😂

adamlevitan Ya but oh well

adamlevitan This feels like a personal attack on me

ahshitahfuck

self-pummeling makes surfside waitstaff quixotically excited enough to run around like penguins

DavidPurdum Change gambling to shopping on Amazon and games to life. And you have my wife.

:( ... Yeah, stuck.

Said my son.

DavidPurdum SO TRUE

The files are in the computer?

Dean_Bradley13 i am dead 😂

Yeah? Who do you link to?

The onion the most reliable news source

What?!

plus they use 'bigger words'.

Must be great for you guys to have your unbelievably ridiculous they-can’t-be-real headlines back! 👍🏼👍🏼

Lol nice

'IT'S SATIRE, GRANDMA. A JOKE.'

Mood

I hope she knows that it’s better if it is still ‘moist’?

Definitely more credible than CNN and MSNBC

That's snot funny.

The best is when it's still wet cpl hours later

awww... you’ve had me since: Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy

thats not a pie. its a cake. pies have meat in them.

I feel attacked by this. Yet inspired.

You are tracking my fridge now! How dare you!

pray to our lord and savior She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. Ezekiel 23:20 NIV

Whipped Cream Replenished: Pie Unfinished. It's a delicious cycle!

breaking-- new flavor of whip cream bought at pie-only shopping excursion

My favorite Onion headline and story... The Hijackers.. still seems relevant really get now..

i'm pretty sure if there's leftover whipped cream you take a big hit off of it and then toss it

Perfect reason to buy more pie.

I’ll tell ya what’s unmatched, the goddam acid reflux I got from mixing Pete’s wicked ale with A1 sauce.

Mmmmmm pie 🥧

such a smart excuse!

the onion is built different 💪

More feet pic articles...

Love you onion. ♥

noob 1v1 in irl i will dislocate your hip bone :rage:

I am dead serious about this; I am not being sarcastic: I thought the onion was supposed to be satire😂😂😂

This happens everyday in India.

I hears Media will SLAPP Media for reporting the Media vs Media case

fucking media

*slam

To that I say, fuck the fucking fuckers! 😁

All in the family: By 2000, six corporations had ownership of most media, and today five dominate the industry: Time Warner, Disney, Murdoch's News Corporation, Bertelsmann of Germany and Viacom.

What was the medias response?

Typo: Media slams Media for recent attacks on Madea.

Best!

Knock’em dead champ, I’m in your corner!

the media really went downhill

Each Owned By Same Bigger Media

Sounds like the daily war between CNN and Fox News

jaketapper

I’ll eat the onion

Hard hitting.

Smart

🤣

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.

this is about Scrooge, isn't it?

Are we positive it wasn’t French

Si’ mon ese. Cybolla es muy loco. Cingo!!!!

My next guess is Portuguese, very stealthy, can seem like Spanish.

How many dices do i need to cover all possible options..? hmm.. VWO: Engels+Wiskunde combo

So moving 😭

“I’ll wait til you’re done with your chemo session.”

Cancer patient

based

Deep. Dark. Black holeish .

Oh hey that used to be me.

This is one of the best

I think this ones a happy story folks

I need a hand figuring this one out.

Thabks

Onion... Ejaculate approval... The imagery.

“Com’on, you don’t want a child right now do you”

👁️👄👁️

“although the eyes and the velour still remain off-limits...”

So, in your face has been approved?

Its that jackalit. Right?

The four sweetest words in the English language.

At this point Is a more reliable news source than OANN

can you guys do one on space karen please?

Probably the most positive tweet I’ve seen this week.

On this NNN? How dare you

People wouldn't be this weak if they played more Mahjong Solitaire

Follow FaulknerMother for literature satire

thank u. will u be covering the news about the investigation into the pope 'liking' an image of a brazilian model?

Well I heard that distant whistling sound, I looked up, and sure enough, The Onion had launched another one over my head.

Eck

😆

Please put alt text on your image posts

Seems very Mitch McConnell to me.

The Best Trump Headline Ever.

Eric Trump up to no good again.

Oops! *zips up pants* I hate it when my pun gets away from me like that...

🤣

I think I went to tech school with him

Independent lab actually confirmed that it contains a combination of oxandrolone & sildenafil. Definitely will create a hard body.

I first thought this was one of those cognitive tests but then I realized that's not how you spell 'necklace'

wth

always so straight and to the point♥️

Well, there goes my punk polka band name.

Never fight a man with a perm

amandapalmer

& what of it?

DerrickJWyatt I always wrote it like this

Basic white chicks just have to look around their room and there will be like 10 of them

accurate

ARE YOU IN MY LIVING ROOM, ? I literally just did this with my kid last week. 'Dang it, I keep drawing a treble clef!'

That's why god made plus signs

Smoke a joint, everyone! 💚💨

I hate sand? Cus Star Wars duh

Congress introduces bill to replace ampersand with the S thing we all drew in elementary school

Like Harvey Birdman

&

I haven't seen the onion post satire in a long time.

Commuting makes me feel like I have no life.

I hate commuting with a passion. One of the few benefits of Covid is WFH, I hope I never have to go back to the office but I know they'll want us to eventually. Ugh.

It sucks on the way home too. Effing Ben Franklin bridge

what does exemplary mean

lol!

When the battle ground is 'muh feels', the mean of words becomes almost completely irrelevant

You don't know how powerful I am with my dictionary...

_asmitapandey_

Oh. There you are.

Stall technique, we see through that shit

Are You Looking For a Responsive & Mobile Friendly Website Or Landing page? Don't Worry! I am Here For You. I am Always Ready To Provide You With Good Quality Service. Please Click Here- for More Details:) -Thank You. Webdesigner WebsiteDesign Website

U should see scrabble nights

You guys need to up your game, reality is blowing you out of the water

adverb INFORMAL in a satisfactory or pleasing manner; very well. 'And how's the job-hunting going?” “Oh, fine.”

'Have you been set apart for the Gospel of the MESSIAH? The Church on Fire will never Compromise or joke around with the Gospel of CHRIST JESUS. ExpressFridayVigil

PickliciousF is this about you?

I find that if I read The Onion for half an hour then come back here to read Twitter I suffer cognitive dissonance and I like it

The cat knows.

Except the cat already knows and is waiting for his owner to conk off. 🙀

Finally some honest journalism

True. But cats know anyway. They just don’t care enough about you to conduct an intervention.

your job must be hell, anymore.

Wouldn't want the cat to drink it all.

Just as well. Cats can get very judgey as anyone who's ever had a cat would know.

Cat always knows.

The only reliable news network

... isn’t that their job?

Wesker Mulls It Over, Demands Egg.

Almighty Egg Gang rise up!

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I will let you know.

But what if they don't concede power after the breakfast crisis has passed?

That's fair.

Why isn't Clifford Baynes hosting this show today?

initial responses are scrambled but most are saying to relax and take it over easy

Bring back Smoov B., he's our only hope.

Wow, impressive 🙄

Please improve yourself every nanosecond...I'm also doing the same. Daily schedule one meeting -- Meeting Agenda - Introspection 1- Meeting room - Toilet 2- Meeting room - Kitchen- while cleaning kitchen utensils No need to share it through Webex/Zoom/Skype/Team BEST OF LUCK

Please improve yourself every nanosecond...I'm also doing the same Daily schedule one meeting -- Meeting Agenda- Introspection 1- Meeting room - Toilet 2- Meeting room - Kitchen- while cleaning kitchen utensils No need to share it through Webex/Zoom/Skype/Team BEST OF LUCK

Please improve yourself every nanosecond...I'm also doing the same Daily schedule one meeting - Meeting Agenda - Introspection 1- Meeting room - Toilet 2- Meeting room - Kitchen- while cleaning kitchen utensils No need to share it through Webex/Zoom/Skype/Team BEST OF LUCK

Please improve yourself every nanosecond...I'm also doing the same Daily schedule one meeting -- Meeting Agenda - Introspection 1- Meeting room - Toilet 2- Meeting room - Kitchen- while cleaning kitchen utensils No need to share it through Webex/Zoom/Skype/Team BEST OF LUCK

Plural of rhombus is rhombi

So close. 'Elipsoid' would have brought the roof down. You guys have a math-nerd shortage?

Don't ever change. .

Pretty weak article.

i havent heard the word 'rhombus' in a longggggg time...

Did they win tho? 👁️👄👁️

Vote

Gota say, listen to Chris Hedges give an impassioned speech and hopelessness is not what you’ll feel afterword. You’ll feel righteous indignation. Also, read Zizek’s Courage of Hopelessness

Yep.

TheBabylonBee owns you

Gee thanks

Pass the soap.

coasmom I thought it smelled like moth balls. 🤪

What are you going on about now? I ❤️ it.

Good reporting sir.

'That's a Wrap' Mummy Scented Cologne now available

Show me the mummy!

Not just any paper - it was foolscap.

Excellent! But I raise you

That's just horrible.

hate_abby

Always wrap your brick...

Where's the live footage?

SAD!!!!

The one time you wish for a house with vinyl siding....

Ooch!

Sounds 'quaint.'

Finally some good news

i thought it said redditor and i almost laughed so hard but this still gave me a chuckle

Jlars0

So someone picked up a brick and beat the realtor?

His skull now a ‘fixer-upper’

Cause of beating due to demand he be called REAL-Torr

But many said the act was ‘staged’

Also his head had nice ‘curb appeal’

'Just call the uber! *barf'

Alright

This seems so... I know I'm basically just jumping on the bandwagon here, but... it's so... generic? Cliche? The onion has seriously lost its touch. Their old videos on YT are hilarious. But, just like their podcasts, it's just... Low quality. I feel sad seeing this happen...

Onion is wayyy behind TheBabylonBee because (like SNL) they’re afraid to be funny out of a political ideology. It’ll be their downfall

hahaha

the eyes have it

Nice

This gives new meaning to the term 'I rock'.

realDonaldTrump you see this 👀

Such a shame...the Onion used to be so clever and hilarious...now, pretty lame. Sad.

🏆

Hide-a-retina

Must've been one hell of a burger.

if god loves a good burger then he would surely adore the ham of truth - fine ham abounds!

Well, the rocks and sands can be salted but it won’t just grows and multiplies.

BRING BACK DOYLE REDLAND!

BORGAR

omeletteking

Get over it. No use crying over dropped omelet...

5 second rule, man still good enough to eat

Omelette*

lasersheep Probably the least fake news out there! Word to your mothers Onion!

It’s still good

What an idiot.

Was it Jared Kushner?

Oh well

Breaks yolk

This is hardly satire.

This one really hits home

SalesForce?

EPICEMRparody

Cool new stuff be like:

shanecelis 'You did use 'Batch Capture', right?'

'... When they get the next one'

My last fifteen years...

Boeing nosedive something.

Óilo AlanPostAutos

Every year I try to convince changing our self storage software

Atlassian, SAP, Power BI, we get all the hits where I work.

Hahahahahahha

This one hurt looooooool

Company: Consultant loves me, yes it’s so, because the consultant tells me so.

I feel this one. *glares at SAP*

'DevOps'

Workday

KimberleyLoar

Same

I would have thought his favorite part was making the 'A-woo-ga, a-woo-ga ,a-woo-ga' sound .

Hit your burners, pilot!

The hard hitting journalism I crave.

False. Fake News.

Periscopes are pretty fun too.

Submarine captain’s 2nd favorite part of the job...telling a land-lover the joke ‘what is long, hard & full of seaman?’

🎶Dive, Dive, Dive, Dive in meeeeeeeeee!!🎶 (Name the song.)

It's not the captain that says that, it's the DOOW, usually a senior enlisted leader or junior officer. didnteattheonion tmyk

This reminds me of reading about chuck yeager and the Bell X-1 rocket plane. Everyone else would have a count down for the drop 5..4...3..2...1.. etc but he would just say 'ok drop me' or something and they pull the lever. The lever guy had one thing to look forward to.

Think I saw a porn with that same line.

Honestly I imagine a real submarine captain would also enjoy this

Is it a yellow submarine?

Baby pyro ?

So if somebody smokes it goes off, if the baby cries it goes off. (Shakes head, rolls eyes)

This actually is happening across the nation

I liked the Onion when their jokes actually made sense.

Haha

Just so you know, TheBabylonBee never has to self-promote. TheOnionSucks

Hope you can survive these hard times for sites like you

ye groovy mann lol

LOL

PC Load Letter? What the 🤬 does that mean!?

Can we just use this extra bronzer we have left over from the last Trump rally instead?

Nooooooooooooooo.

Nationwide toner famine anyone?

If the toner is low, why does the black powder explode out when you pull that cartridge out?

Tilt

Dammit is Staples open rn?

Come on boops ,one more jump for old times sake

plagiat LeMoi51618839 supprime ton compte

Penalty flag; Doubletweeting; 10 yds. (whistle)

Wow real time reporting

Lowkey The Onion in a single article gives more haha funny moments than an hour of memes

Hahah

Awh

This one's a miss.

Stockton Syndrome

I come to the Onion to find content better than TheBabylonBee but I’m disappointed. Can you help out?

Finally a solid reason to move to the u.s

Eugh it is like rust. Won’t just gone.

🎶 ʷʰᵒ ʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ˡᶦᵛᵉ ᶠᵒʳᵉᵛᵉʳ..🎶

I do. Lol.

I can safely assume it is only the Rockerfellers and Rothchilds that do. 😄

Thank you! Just watched The Onion Movie again. And, again, thank you!

If we had everlasting life you'd bet our capitalist ass society would abuse us more. I wouldn't want that

I want to live forever.

The kids from Fame do.

Wha- NO! ME! I WANNA LIVE FOREVER! Ugh this is *SO* typical!!!

Oh! They were that close to nailing it! 😱

yoxter3423 Im bored at fifty two, one hundred plus would make me unsufferable.

Am I not important enough to ask

“Americans horrified as failed businessman, Home Alone 2 cameo actor leaves hospital on steroids with active case of COVID-19” 😱

They didn’t ask me.

Probably should remove the 'Forever' from that headline.

Jo-blover?

😂😂😂

Wild

I'm a joblover if that means I love my Job as a mall security guard

What's your take on the whole covid thing, vis-a-vis mask fashion?

*loving two jobs

Story idea for The Onion: Jeff Bezos solves shipping problems with launch of Amazon Homes, where customers can live inside an Amazon distribution center... something like that TheOnion

This is not a thing?

Have you BEEN Four-Wheeling?

Sex is for tapping into the infinite source of love, not for conceiving stupid biological parasites

That grey suite putin look alike? He's a huge turn off to be honest

I wear my mask in my pocket & if someone asks me to wear it on my face, I say .25 cents please. Most give a dollar. Carry Grant did the same thing with autograph hunters.

rockanrollphoto

Cabo Wabo!

Headin’ to Cabo

Set designer settled on a stylish office. Was promptly executed by Steven Spielberg

This is lame, the only reason the Lightning are about to win the Cup is because the refs bailed them out with undeserved power plays. Imagine if Harden got the calls Tampa Bay gets, he'd average 90 PPG and have 13 championships and MVPs.

It's me, I am area moms

hilahil --- I can see you being just like Area Mom in this case... 😀

If there was ever a time for no division, this is it. Democracy and everything we all value is on the line. I am sure many countries realized what they lost when it was too late. Ask somebody that went thru that. I am not Biden biggest fun, however, I am voting for him

Plants don't dance around in a room of elephants. Taking down an elephant requires the use of some dumb, although equally sizable elephant to take down the target elephant HAHAHA

Lame

Oh it is nice, I always like seeing that, I'm being serious!

Local mom gives spicy follow up interview, with fiery comments such as 'you know your father doesn't know everything', 'you can do some chores around here too' and that your little brother - Barry - is entitled to the Xbox too. More at 6

The only time I would let an opponent off the ground would be to lull him into a false sense of security and choke slam him into the dirt when he belongs

Btdt

Why does the onion suck now?

we live in a society

lukecmahler this is one that made me think of you and giggle a tiny bit (which was badly needed). 🙃. Took me a second to go find it.

* BOX CONTAINS MATERIALS KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO BE CARGINOGENIC

The softly knitted gloves with flowers, and pictures of cotton candy, or the steel ones you can wear also as a brace for a weak spine? Which ones?

I'd say some snarky shit that would make you lol but this pissed me off... I ain't got no little box, and the one I have is meaner than a hammer to the testicles.... My gloves... Couldn't afford a pair with holes to put your hand in so I just tape them on. Nice little box my ass.

David Perdue's ads imply dealing with a Chinese companies tie you to the Communists. I guess the demos are being nice by not pointing out that all the Trumps deal with Chinese companies

This isn't a joke. It's spot on. And it isn't funny. Okay it's funny but also very scary.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This describes the situation perfectly. And yes I am aware that it’s a parody site. Totally disgusted.

Ugh what happened to the Onion. It’s lame now.

And remove brass knuckles...

Not only that, I have it on good word the Dems are so angry, their Tweets will use more caps. Not quite all caps, but think German language use of caps. That'll show those fascist Rs and their drooling goober, AR-15-armed militias.

delete this, inappropriate scheduled post

Did they also shit in the box and set it on fire and write BLM on it?

That fucker did it on purpose.

Mr Fancy Pants could put a nice down payment on a sweet Corolla with all that dough

He could’ve just gotten a loan from the bank to pay off a high interest credit card, drug dealer, pimp, idk not everything is as good as it seems

JohnLopato 😂

Assssss

Thats enough for like 1 3rd of a surgery.

Ironically a thing I discovered one day at the vestibule ATM at a branch of my bank's. I was mad jealousy.

Sorry.

slothful_sudie was that you?

No shit, I found one at local atm for 3.1 million. Like $3,103,436 or something. I pinned it to bulletin board in kitchen. We had party and I noticed someone looking at it. Felt quite stupid and threw it away. I think they took out $200. Wish I still had it.

24/7 365 mind on the money

Hack ‘em

Happened to me in Las Vegas :(

Why cant i be one of those lucky fucks that wakes up with millions in their account

RichJMarsh I think we know that guy

Whenever I send my manservant to the ATM to withdraw the day's walking around money, I always instruct him to leave the receipt in plain view of the next customer.

What a flex

LMAO Yeah, um, I almost did this at the weed shop today and literally had the thought that whoever found it might have precisely that reaction 😂😂😂

That’s all? Weak

What’s a rich guy like that wasting our time using the ATM? The nerve of some people.

Once in 1995 or so the guy in front of me left a receipt at an ATM with 30k as a balance

Good one!

If everything went according to plan, the reason his back is sweaty should be a happy reminder.

Romantic is not flowers... it's flour.

Lol

That whole thing takes on a new light if you read it wrong.

...don't forget... some couples have two 'husbands'... the Pontifex says that is OK... CompoundBoss your thoughts?

Don’t give away the good ideas!

However, most definitely not always 'he'

Ha! Brilliant

Good info for high school tech theatre.

markkilborn My wife and I were discussing the sound design of Better Call Saul right before I read this. Perfect timing 😂😂

Come on, Onion.

My all time favourite was the addition to tyres screeching on corners in a chase sequence on a dirt road.

its always the same sound effect

Speaking strictly from a sound perspective, it makes sense.

AlmostLesbians If only..

Lmao I almost feel bad for laughing... almost.

All were good guys with guns

Bruh haha

This is so funny.

Lol

😂

Another lovely one!

Remember when was funny?

ΜΟΛΩΝ GESUNDHEIT

Some imagine it was an attempt to stop a bioterrorist attack... Some say it was just a fright... Some say it was a coup in the organization... None can speak for them now. All we know is that it was a firefight thanks to the arrival of Willem Dafoe

Bless you all. It was worth a shot.

Trump claims the sneeze, 'will just go away......'

That can’t be true. Only TheDemocrats are scared of sneezes.

Tickets for gun range on sale now. Free ammo for target practice with $5 donation per round

Jokes for boomerlibs

X.X

Just warning shots to scare the Rona away. No biggie.

Jesse James killed a man for less, and we haven't cancelled him yet.

I wonder what would happen if they held an NRA meeting on the 4th of July.

Snots and prayers

138 Dead as Loud Sniffle Scares Democrat Convention into Hysteria and Hearth Attacks

_BlankCzech_

If only there had been a good guy with a gun to stop it.

Your suppose to be funny cause true. But there doesn't seem to be any mass shootings at NRA meetings.

PEOPLE. LEARN TO MEXICAN STAND OFF FIRST. SHEESH!

poggers

Just wait till your star receiver hits the quarantined reserve! Sadly, my work isn’t doing a fantasy team this year.

Hey, fantasy owner, i hope this isn't the best of the worst. good luck

Bruh haha

Stop personally attacking me, Onion

And now I’m lost.

FrankBurdell

kennethfield and John_M_Nelson won an award. I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bring back Jim Anchower 🙏🙏 It's been a long time since he rapped at us ...

emekdemir

Yall now this is some next level shit

Particularly offensive because some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps.

Mapseption

gomer21xx I'm actually surprised you guys haven't done a 'Oregon is on fire, Portlanders high af' article yet. lol

did princess carolyn write this

MartySchnure

Okay. So now you've finally tweeted that, and it's out there for everyone to read, do you feel better? It's finally out of your brain and now you don't have to keep thinking 'is that funny? Should I publish it?'

Big news for Climatologist49, congrats.

This needs an inset map that is a map of mapmakers who have made the mapmaking map overlaid on this mapmaker's map-making map.

Nice

i wont stand for this pedophilia posting

Right after we laid my mom's ashes to rest we went to this very crowded alpine lake. We get to the end of the road, finding absolutely no parking. As we turn around, people gathered around an SUV at the absolute best possible spot. So mom getting us that spot sounds good to me.

Why are you reporting on my mom

You spelled 'lazy' wrong. TheOnionSucks

This is exactly my mom 🤣

Gramma always hated that long walk ever since she lost her legs to crickets. That is not a typo.

Security Reminded Her Only Three Stores Were Open For Business.

Hail Mary full of grace, help me find a parking place.

😂🤣😅 you’ve been listening to o my wife!

Haha

Wrong! Mom always called on the Parking Goddess. She would say, “Parking Goddess, We Beseech Thee, Grant Us Parking, On This Day.” And it always worked. And I dont even believe in such nonsense....

sinbethemoon Jhopesmic i never knew you learned journalism?!

😂😂😂

Grandma take the wheel.....

You lot have got proper lazy, you know that?

'Son finds 'stolen' car parked near door of mall, blames ghost of mother who died last Christmas before death of malls'

Hey my brother and I have a parking fairy inherited from our Mother. We find parking spaces when no one else can 🧚

This is rock bottom for the Onion.

y'all need to step up, i've seen 20 real headlines this week that are way funnier than this

PatHarrigan1 Babylon Bee is way better

i don't care if i have to park on the street i'm not eating the green beans grandma

Gam-Gam has the handicapped parking sticker in the sky

How did it get 5 retweets in a minutes, are people here a bunch of bots

Poor Adrianna

And by world renowned, we mean mostly our moms' friends. TheOnionSucks

Thank you

'My Little Pony's 'pony' ain't so little when he sees that Little Pony stroll by.'

Ok that that really helped, actually

So much good in the world

what good is a pony if you cant ride it because you gave it up for lent

spraypopmusic I know it's Friday but steady on there.

Police scratch and sniff team able to track down scented home invaders in record time

Could it be? The Onion is starting to suck less? Only time will tell. TheOnionSucks

You guys are humanities peak

American soldiers won't fight Syrians without masks in a battlefield

So that's why my breath spray tastes spicier than usual!

Sentient_Onion Trump has murdered more innocent Americans then Osama Bin Laden did on 9 11

Might as well kill with the smell of Lavender than nothing at all.

'Man asks home invader to wear mask.'

Haha

fndnksksslslalappwpwpdkskskka

dhdjkekelelelwowpapskdkkd

eddndkkslalalslelelelellsbretdmsmlloadfdjkdksisnsnsksanfjjfjfjfjridijdot

ejjekslalalskroelslsowlw

fjjdjdksele

yes do

'Trump insists his hair is now ready to filter water.'

King of the double down

If you think politics has criminals consider joining the Florida Bar they use the court to steal so its legal SC20-923, prime example of just how lucrative extortion can be. Paid for by 'crooks controlling the court' also known as the Florida Bar association

Which will released in 2021.

LMAO! Dying 😂🤣

boris3324 Oh, yeah! Cause sitting down & letting him talk is exactly what got him elected the 1st time. Lmao

What a punchable face

I think that already happened after FEAR came out, didn't it?

kyledcheney

Every time I see an Onion post, I'm like... They're trying, and I appreciate that. What a time to be in the business of satire! 😂

Hey, that’s a great idea!

Bold strategy, Cotton

DA ONION ISNT SATIRE Pls give me likes

'Hey Bob. Are we recording? Good. I'm really upset that you let people listen to my words. I was talking to Vlad about it when we were playing that game where I show him all of the top secret military bases and he said you were mean, too.'

Nottheonion

kyledcheney Weird how The Onion has slowly morphed into reality the last 4 years...

kyledcheney That actually happened tho

This is supposed to be a satire account

Trumps got the in person vote more insecure than it was when russia hacked it in 2016, he's got his postmaster murdering the mail in vote, and his handpicked scotus waiting to earn their keep by rubber stamping all election challenges, why does he need to lie about anything?

Don’t do it!! 😂😂😂

Because diarrhea is unstoppable. TheOnionSucks

'Apology screamed... over casket comes as refreshing because that guy was an asshole and deserves to be buried in a corduroy suit.'

I assume this is about my five-year-old?

Can u guys report on real news for a week so everyone will thinks it’s fake or have doubts and then the country will go into mass hysteria

Still an apology lol

Or Onion writers can't count. TheOnionSucks

2020 in a nutshell.

What is the length of three shoes? About 2 1/2 feet.

Don’t you mean undermatched?

What happened to the other shoes

'Monster truck owner calls AAA when he drops step ladder at the adult book store.'

It's not 'journalism' or 'exemplary' if it comes from The Onion because TheOnionSucks

British people be like: “Torch-wielding, you say?” 🔦

This is so good

Hey, I just want you guys to know we appreciate the work you do trying to out-satire the real world despite how fucked it's gotten lately. We are gonna need you to find whichever satire-generation device you use and turn it back to 'print' from 'reality' though.

🤔🤫🤣👍

Considering how jacked up 2020 is, I wouldn’t be surprised if that actually happens

You guys are on fire

It’s actually Monster Truck’s monster. Monster Truck is the name of it’s creator. Many people don’t know that.

I think ive read that one before

More truthful than the Trump administration 🤷‍♂️

Amusing!

'One exec caught with a 'scout' up his sleeve.'

LOL, you guys are the BEST

Such a good game! I once won a game with my flag on the first row - I deliberately moved around it to make it look like a bomb. 😁

Ah yes, annual Stratego planning.

Yea in 1942 they were but they have been dead since like the 60s....

At least someone is playing it. I’ll be over here, playing Risk (a real game) and being snobby about it.

fuck yeah, love me some harmonica

'He said he's been rehearsing a lot. He's been breathing all day.'

Where is the one with the policeman unable to move from all the gear?

should've practiced 40 hours a day lingling

He practiced as much as Red.

At least is not a meat harmonica...

He hasn't yet found the meaning of life then.

tell them to do interpretive beatboxing instead

Pretty sure that’s contraband.

brettnick47

My wife didn't spot the reporters.

I didn't know you guys had a link to FoxNews TheOnionSucks

Oops

Great. Now they're dead in the post office. Happy?

If he waits a bit longer he'll have more eggs

Y'all ever figure out if Harry Potter's got a green card or not? My friend Jesus really wants to know for some reason. Ice ice baby!

Ha!

refreshingly wholesome

'while on the way home'

Um. It's all visible. TheOnionSucks

BrimShineLydon

I am afraid to click and see a picture of me in the article.

comradebaguette sausageswiper

Fries could not be reached for comment.

😳

This is true. Especially when it's sitting in the passenger seat and the end is sticking out.

I'd love to see a report on breast cancer! We got to save the titties!

Dear math: I always did ok with you through high school. Got through algebra II or so just fine. Then in college, you threw trigonometry, complex geometry, and calculus at me and all I can truly say is...math...I mean this...FUCK YOU.

Fuck those guys.

But is called math lite?

What?! Why?!

Co-math

I think they are talking about elementary school

Are they switching math to the metric system?

😄😄😄

Onion misuses word 'exemplary'. TheOnionSucks

Why do they keep doing that

Still struggling with long division lol

Tom Lehrer called from 55 years ago:

Finally, a worthy challenge...

Just about the only news I can handle reading these days!

Math ∞

Complex numbers, difficult? _i_ think not!

Is that where 2+2=5 comes from?

Racist.

Godammit

Its called common core.

Modular forms. Group theory. Operator theory.

luckily the proofs got easier because no one is solving them.

Fuck.... I still can't do the old math..

At the rate 2020 is going, I wouldn't be surprised.

Beli4 for the counting

Unearthly Core: The Fantastic Mathematics of the Hellmouth 101

Oh math.

isn’t that all they ever do?

STAPH IT, SOMEONE IS GONNA MISCONFIG REALITY AT THIS RATE; AND I DONT WANT TO ROLLBACK!! AAAAA

It’s all based on counting Apple carts instead of apples, and all non critical apples of the zeta function which have real parts equal to 1/2

Pssht

That tik tok girl hexed the fucking math

NCLB left relevant teaching methods for math behind.

'Please don't use this math for any practical applications it would make us feel like we did all that work for nothing' ~ Pure Mathematicians

New Math you say?

Math 2

I’m sure this is my Mathematical Statistics professor.

Math isn’t real just like vaccines, that’s why I won’t let my kids get vaccinated. Does more harm than good.

Straight from hell

The onion is better journalism than anything I could find in the lamestream media.

Uncommon Core.

'I thought I saw a puddy tat, I do, I do.' Sylvester out to get tweety bird.. looney tunes cartoon.

So, now you're reduced to just writing down what is actually happening?

I woulda gone all Redd Fox with the heart attack act.

fionarevilltm

Bazinga

Ha!

you guys are really falling off... you're kickin the same tired dead horse... you can't even out-derp 'real' fake-news... get your shit together... unfollowing

...and The Onion beaten to the pulp by The Babylon Bee... Bam!

Wait... Bacon recall?! Um, what is the address you are sending it to? and what time is the delivery? I'm just curious, I won't eat it _all_...

'GlobalMidnightExpress The unchanging fact of God is that the holy God has been holy from eternity to eternity, is still holy, and will be holy forever. The Messiah is coming soon.

HA sry not sry

ahahahahaha

🤣

Sorry. Not sorry! So so so NOT sorry! {tee hee}

Where is that article about Gov Tommy Thompson pardoning Jeffrey Dahmer in July 1991? I think I just saw Jeffrey chasing some boys around the park for not wearing a mask.

When you bring home the bacon.

Damn it, tRump stole your hilarious thunder.

don't Artery clog shame me

Low-blow..

Get out of my head

Ugh.

Priceless^_^

Man, you guys were the best when I was in college.

I love that song 😩

Please don't use 'juggernaut'. It's an Anglicized name of a Hindu god.

😂

Right in the childhood.

For a second I didn't notice this was the onion and I go very confused

Yesss subliminal messages miiind controol

BobbyLucas05

🎶🎶🎵🎶 all over a sheet of paper sometimes with words that rhyme or not. I think it’s secret spy stuff music peoples use to take over the world or the universe even.

🎯

This is no joke

That's why whenever I get in a fight with my girlfriend I play the soundtrack to the Notebook. I don't have to say a word.

“Concerto”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, can I borrow $5?”

Waaaay too close to real life! 😐

SKEE7

They use Pulitzers for paper-weights

To fill up the tank of his van down by the river.

Water is wet.

The real victim here is the tornado

Bout time

Parking Lawn unused for many years overgrows its function and converts into front yard.

Woman pretending like she actually buys any of this shit.

TeachBEYONDchoir SaveUSA&western cvlztn Tell 70M Patriots they can now pay non-patriots they know to pass online course Land of Hope $100 in 7day+ $5to$100 to discuss with U in 5day+ $20Hillsdale Vary $&days to suit Far less $$$ than college indoctrination! 10%=7M More Patriots!

Have you made it known to the twitter nazis that you site is satirical? They don’t understand sarcasm.

Insurance fraud

Needs more pie.

they're not wrong

Cooked spinach is the nut low. Who eats these?

Spinach pie should not exist

Finally, Someone had the guts to say it.

Is that a Trump quote?!

kerrikitty_

And too much pie.

So does Spinach Artichoke dip

My problem is finding a restaurant that makes a good spinach pie.

Spinach Lettuce

well if you turn it around you can have too much pie in your spinach

Hmmm... I guess it should have more garlic? And onion!

what would we do without you

Me, eating spanakopita: 'No.'

Annnnd in certain other ways Trump is not a gentleman.

Lived in multiple buildings where the power going out meant the water pump didn’t work.

Looking forward to 2021 when my anxious Brita-topping roomie will be the worst thing in any given day

Fucking Keith!

leave me alone

mrs_sardonicus

truth

I live alone and half the time I top my filter off. 5 layer carbon filter takes a long time. I have to be better to myself, one drink of water at a time.

Why don't you stand up for the Babylon bee?

Dead

America runs on Island time and dunkin ...

His clocks have been set Alt-Right

You’d think pro-lifers could get behind voting against a candidate who believes the only reason women and girls exist at all is so he can “grab ‘em by the pussy”. It’s enough to turn this southerner’s presidential vote blue for the first time since Jimmy. MAGA Trump2020

Clocks are wrong. And they are radical-left. Nasty.

Look, there’s being so reckless that you put the well-being of the entire nation at risk... and then there are complete and total deal breakers!

Is he actually late for press conferences?

Hahaha

Fake clocks are to blame, White House says.

😂 🤣 💀

😂

Nice try. I won’t be tricked into buying multiple Peterboro baskets!

Kilgore must be devastated

Did they go on the grill?

Awwh

Sorry they were FRIED !!! Good eatin' eh

I love the onion more and more everyday

I really miss when you were funny.

Bring back in the know and today now

Well the verse in God Save the Queen that rarely gets sung does deal with a border issue I suppose: ‘Lord grant that Marshal Wade, May by thy mighty aid, Victory bring. May he sedition hush, and like a torrent rush, Rebellious Scots to crush, God save the Queen’ 🙄

If you do say so yourself!

The rejector does feel rejected after the rejection.

Lmaoo😂

I’ve been on that date. 🍸

how dare she, are you not good enough?

Give me a fiver for every ad on the page and I’ll think about it.

You gotta get the first kiss in early.

Cbt is epic, spread this message

Thank you The Onion, very cool

Is this supposed to confuse the crap out of me?

One more day than me.

I’m having a stroke

Anymore than that and you are required to change your name to Meadow or Harmony.

Area man goes without a breakfast of Pop-Tarts and Coke once a year.

am i high

I don't get it

Facts.

Are they referring to me?

sgcgate and DanMerc51848530 😁

this is the first funny headline i've seen from the onion in months

. Statistically, there are 3 women out there who would like their wedding to be in a wedding show nested within another wedding show (edited and reposted)

Ugh

Still more trustworthy than FakeNewsCNN

should marry the two shows into one being the first inter-show show in the world.

God bless TLC.

Can you guys do a subscription model or something... I want to help

Oops

elonmusk this kind of shit. My dentists name is Greg. Fun shit.

Pending Separation and Talk of Divorce Leads to Unintended and Unnecessary Root Canal.

Ew I hope not ha a

It’s literally a giant hamburger piggy bank filled to the top just in case I NEED IT FOR SOMETHING AT SOME POINT GET OUT OF MY LIFE

You could melt the pennies & sell the copper to silicon valley!

How did you know?!

Don’t talk about my “Vacation Funds” jar like that!

Get out of my room with this reporting

'Do you have some change? I just need 21 more cents to buy this car.'

Oops

What a difference a hyphen makes. How about substandard bearers?

Cc: The National Anthem

🖥😜

No one's ever told you it was gonna be this way...

It’s really sad, like REALLY sad that the actual news coming out of the WHITE HOUSE is crazier than anything The Onion can imagine

Oh he “ lint “ us his wisdom

That, was a belly laugh!

Lol the media has been broken

I for one think this country needs to do more to honor the sacrifice of our veteran laundromat professionals.

same

Oh those dangnabbit peaceful protesters...

They call it 'to protect and serve'

Otherwise known as a White House Press Conference.

The story of shanedawson

How do they keep up with the news like that?

Whatever happened to you guys publishing nonfictional jokes?

time after time after time.

What is 'it'?

Scarily, real life and are merging together!

Reality has beaten you, The Onion.

Oh you’re filming me?! GUESS WHAT I CAN FILM YOU TOO!!!

I learned how to read by reading . Thank you!

Pog

See also: Karendemic

irate asshole ripped off avgn

Don Lemon?

early 😼

Too real

Drink Spinach smoothie

oh no!

At 15 dollars a pill

😂😂😂

BRUH

'Trump: Bleach puts an end to every disease'

Rock him like a hurricane

Everytime 'Photograph' by Def Leppard comes on.

Love when that happens

I am FED UP WITH THE RADICAL LEFT and their attempt to post FAKE NEWS!! Where are the real patriots

sure, but do you have 'all the news that's fit to print?' can you save democracy from 'dying in darkness?'

Thoughts and prayers if it’s from Great White

Guy (as he rolls away): You can't ROCK a man ROLLING awaaaaaaaaaaaaay......

Ya but they started it

It was my fault. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ok

JurassicPark2go

Black Mesa in a nutshell.

Update, everyone is definitely NOT fine.

kanye just tweeted

Circumcision is genital mutilation and forcing it on minors that cannot consent is a human rights abuse.

AG Barr has announced that the entire Trump Cartel has been granted total immunity for any past or future crimes. This will save $ millions that would otherwise be spent on investigations and prosecutions when we all know that Trump will just pardon/commute.

PunkDuck_

Oy

My body, My choice

*Circumcision cut short

They cut the dickens out of my dickens!

Apparently the penis looks more like a hot dog on a bun now.

As in; gone undone?

Non therapeutic circumcision of minors is ethically unacceptable. It’s harmful, risky, and violating.

A little less off the top next time please...

Trying to sing the Chris Cornell parts in a Hunger Strike duet

cameron_kasky I wanna see you try singing in that octave, Cam!

😂 😂

'Do you know where you are?' dept.

This has so much more meaning for me now than it did just six months ago. (When your doctor says you need to take laxatives with your opiates... believe them.)

Bowels have movements... People have mindsets

Now he’s a member in good standing of the NFL demographic target

I feel personally attacked by this relatable content.

Pooping is important.

But I still have the urine stream of an 18 year old. Stay off of my lawn.

The folly of man.

I thought you guys were supposed to be satire

How timely- empty you our bowels daily, or friggin die

👍👍

But was it at a time when people gave a sh*t?

It's my white whale.

Deep cuts

The Onion, the only legit journalism

Actually love that word

The Onion: Where satire meets reality.

Clever lil buggers

lercionotizie

I still drink Corona...

Screw human rights, we need viral rights.

is there a German word for this?

Some say narcissism. I say it's empathy.

Face Made In Mirror To Use In Conversation Later.

I have a resting bitch face most of the time so I wonder: Do people actually do this lol?!

You should of said wallstreetjournal

leave me alone

I hate you

Why she a little stiff on exploring new stuff in the bedroom?

it aint warm & it aint wet but its better than what i usually get

'Now, she just lays there'.

Lmao!!

It's like she doesn't even try anymore.

'...but enough about Scott Peterson. In other news....'

It got better

'it got much better'

I might not have noticed were it not for the dishes piling up. 🤔

Poor guy has to take matters into his own hands now.

nigga what?!

But has it been any worse?

It's been better!

Why is she so cold to me? 😢

hol up

👌

oo

Also, The, youth football coaching legend here. Let’s hear your thoughts on banning Oklahoma Drills and Punt Returns with No Fair Catches drills.

Tangled up in bureaucracy

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Man thinks ’cause he rules the earth he can do with it as he please And if things don’t change soon, he will Oh, man has invented his doom First step was touching the moon ♥

Life is stranger than fiction.

Dmv dont care

Same, tbh

And there's a woman on his block saying who's gonna give him back his license to drive

Real life is weirder than satire. This is NOT a good thing. Can't be easy writing under these conditions either.

Oh i’d love to be able to pull this off

Epic!

The Onion For more exemplary commentary, visit ◯◯. Thank you very much.

Funny

Come on now - nobody wants the wrong order with extra gravy

SPINE DITCH and SPINE DITCH

They forgot my ranch!

😂

this encapsulates the unwitting karenization of society. thank you, onion. always.

they could put a turd in my food and I wouldn’t report them because they know where I live.

they can take away the body as collateral

wheew! thats dark

We put gam gam in debtors prison. Problem solved. No assisted living costs either.

Also

Got you a news piece, thank me later

ouch!

Omg img😂😂😂

Hope they use lots of EMLA. The same mohel or two different ones? measure once, cut twice.

this is the worst onion headline ever

What ever happened to 'just the tip?'😳 🤣

Ouch.

Journalism that's a cut above.

Penis

uno reverse pleaseletthisblowup

Does that then make it real news as opposed to fake news?

🥵

You suck 😅

Experts Rightly Predict Trump's Me-Conomy Numbers up Due to Self-Inflation. Anticipate Similar Trends During Elections.

Pity NYT opinion editors don't know about emojis yet

Oh I will believe me your articles are the only thing I find much joy in anymore

😅

12 nudes, nude.

Unless you have a secret service agent willing to stand outside the bathroom door and read it to you.

I thought you were fake news? Can I please speak with a manager?

?

Don't even get me started about Family Circus.

Holy shit it’s 6 AM

agree

b_kaoss

This one garnered a genuine LOL from me. 👍

Aaron Sorkin

But why male models?

You don’t get this joke, do you? You...just...don’t...get it

'Why are we here again?' '...in English!' 'I might as well tell you. You're going to die anyway.'

And young viewpoint character wants to ask the questions the kids at home need answered.

Looking for straight talk.

watchout4snakes 'As you know, Bob...'

Into the kinky stuff eh?

okay but my first ex did this and it kinda went hard

It represents a digit on its way to the stink.

Melania and Mother are both out of town; want to come Fox News and chill?

Hot. Fancy checking us out too?

Getting carets involved is a veg too far.

Just the tip robertkelly

What the fuck happened to you guys.

It's true; it's damn true.

I’m holding out for the dangling participle.

she had me at Oxford Comma.

What I'd give for even a semi in my colon.

that's not okay

:P

lucky it’s not the entire colon

DougRosin

When there is so much misery - dream of “ nothing happening “ is a dream come true !

B

'And now I have this perpetual feeling of, I don't know, deja vu--but boring...'

Isn't that just real life?

🤣 huh? Lolol

RELATED: Sources reveal Day Lewis is all left feet.

Truth hurts

Attention anthropologists of the distant future: this concludes your research on 21st century American men. Have a pleasant evening.

Very snacktical

omfg

Shit that's ok i need at least a 3x

Gify Time!

small and mediums on discount

If / when SHTF, more preppers will die from heart attacks than anything else.

Trump 2020

The US version of the French army rifle for sale joke.

that size has built in vest

This is just genius

Well, damn, of course! Who want's to catch a slug in the tits?

Hope you're not tweeting that from a 5G-enabled mobile.

So, it’s now a ... COMPUTER VIRUS?!? *sorry*

Let me in!

Onions are antiviral so makes sense.

That website makes me cry all the time

. A large % of Americans' reaction to people getting upset and having their own opinion about anything - except whats force-fed to us 'Man, that guy is crazy....Its fine.'

birdsarentreal

Thanks to HopOnsPodcast I now always notice/hear in my mind James Vallely on arresteddev opening credits

I already have

You guys know me so well!

That's it, ! Stop spying on my house! How else are you writing articles about me!

i know this is the onion but i definetely feel its been a slow news day

Someone keeps forgetting to press next episode

While not always as “camera operators”, some names are just more noticeable than others. FamilyGuyonFOX FamilyGuy

Hugh Jarse?

My whole relationship with tv shows in a nutshell.

Good baby. Hopefully you grow up better than humanity today.

And takes a sip? 🤔

Forgive me, I misread Bidet as Biden.

Must be dhancock110

I love the way you make me laugh. You truly have layers my friend.

Bidet was a beautiful composer among his peers Wagner and Chopin.

TheMoonShot you

Cue Nikki704

I haven’t even achieved that

Yeah

“Actually, per our prior conversation, see attached, as you know”

PrincessLynnxx

Operation Hovercraft

I saw this movie at an indie theatre in Houston while on a work trip...I remember thinking how great it was...to just be away from my wife

I can relate to this!!!

This is funny because I failed twice and gave up

Second best nap of my life.

I watch it again every three years, so STUFF IT.

Me, but with 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. One day I'll watch more than half an hour…

Two-thirds is pretty good. I can almost remember the first 30 minutes

At least they got further than I would

Last time I checked you just had to sign any petition, online or offline but hey that's just on my planet.

They hit it off and were seen holding hands and leaving together..

Its Grandpa's blowup doll...

6 feet!

GmaStreamss 😅

2 degrees of pain

no-one should be seated next to each other right now guys

is this a covid-19 joke

Not puppies. Vampires.

Thanks for the visual

the valley of multiple inclusioning

It's puppies.

Ew

*There’re*

Nightmare feul.

“Either” should go before “Tampon String”. 😌

Omg! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's women hording tampons! Those devilish tax-evading minxes!

'Some people won't dance if they don't know who's singing Why ask your head, it's your hips that are swinging'

I do like the Who but I also like other bands.

I need to vet their political affiliation before I tap my foot to their beat

Pure. Fucking. Genius.

'The Onion is the last source for some honest objective sarcasm on the issues that matter.'

Thanks Onion.

OMG thank you for making me laugh right now. We all really needed that.

They don't really have to do anything. The President acts goofy enough.

Did any of them FINish?

If you just say Coronavirus?

Where is the onion in this time of crisis of the corona virus?

😂😂😂.

Goo Goo Dolls unite...

What do you mean? The cat LOVES it when I ask him 'was that a delicious treat?' or 'did you tinkle?'.

Who's a good boy?

kevbgb Not until we know: Is she sporty?

Here here!

So no more ‘do you want to go out?’, then?

Those CoBaP swimsuit calendars are solid gold... 👍

Area father has seen too many movies

Back in my day I would've dropped what I was doing and barreled all the way home ripping through homes and buildings just to turn it on for my dad... kids these days... disgusting

Funnier if it said daughter to return home. What are you? goin PC?

Still owes me a buck for when he forgot his lunch money

FEELING OLD YET

No way!

damn, but he was 10 when last saw him!

It doesn't mean they had gone mature, yes?

I’ll check

“fuck it. I’m home”

So gooder

Trump’s in charge. The belugas are totally fine and totally cool. seemslikeatrumpstory

this tweet is blubber

Free Willey

JusticeforSnooty

dotYexy minus well lmao

👋

Fuck the cdc, what’s the CBD have to say!

The Onion is just sad nowadays.

Lol same

Go out calm and happy.

Nailed it!🔨

My word, that's invasion of privicy

Geeeeeeeeshh ok

God damn, onion.

'Pick up that soap!'

Kevin’s keleven?

He did, but he didn’t realize it because he was using them upside down.

. 'He (whoever) always uses 5+3 instead due to a phobia of snowmen'

Teh pwns

Go fish.

Mild panic & self doubt sets in.

We have been living in a golden age of reasoning, but it is coming to an end. For the first time in history, the mechanism that underpins human reasoning is beginning to break down.

. 'So a bounty hunter is eating instead of looking for an escapee'

What? There is a joke in there somewhere, right?

kevinseccia

. (truth) browsing histories are meaningless. All accounts, including iCloud accounts can be hacked and used to stage lies about whomever. Any device can be cloned as well I don’t know what “bookmark bar” is

reading list is pointless

CandiceLanier You’ve been out satired

I gave up on the bookmark bar

Saw you on Tuesday. Tuesdays with Morrie.

Schwing

Bruh missed opportunity to spell that one wrong too

No one needs to know that anyway.

😳😆

S-W... wait, shit...

Soodaykis... shit... Sudoku... no... Jadakiss... way off... Fuck... this is really hard...

put a bullet in babies head. put in a box and tell him to be quiet for a moment

Man it must be hard to stay in business in this political economy!

sorry off to a bad start

Otherwise known as my life story.

Chunky suits now in stock...

Also....

Dont be in the fat suit, become the fat suit

You guys wrote this one, didn’t you?

You IS the fatsuit

Merica

blairblogs every. year.

thank you for your remarkable and reliable coverage. this is the only news source i trust

usherette is pretty cute

Heard their writer quit. Went on some crazy hunger strike

truffulabees

This looks like an Evangelion meme.

Playception

That kid in Watchmen was only reading Tales of the Black Freighter to look cool, he didn't get it either

The Murder of Gonzago be like

This is a metaphor, isn't it?

I live alone..

sudden nap syndrome

I get it

Kids looking for attention. Have another drink.

honestly? let them

Carpets help dampen the sound.

You likely should check it out, it could be one of your writers, it seems you've lost some good ones.

Unmistakeable Sound Of Let The Bodies Hit The Floor In 2008 YouTube Video Probably A Banger

Fake news.

Area Man

would be but I read jujulian_ bio

Trump every day

Must've saw Birds of Prey.

What about women?

Feeling parched over here too

NikitaNonsense bbrosef_

NeverBloomberg BloombergIsARacist

What’s the special occasion

“thanks for the laundry”

. 'Perhaps his mother is a Narcissist - or BPD - and manipulated Area Man his whole life' - Mr. Freud, the former great Psychiatrist or Psychologist - whichever

Unfortunately 'Little Bit Of Affection' Was The Name Of His Tomahawk

while thinking its president moms day

Cats don’t JUST give you brain worms. 😂

As it should be😽

SoFarFetch_d But if cats are not affectionate anymore what would be the reason for doing anything anymore?

Truth 🐈

Someone is suffering form C.O.L (cat on lap). The only known cure is to rub the cat's belly and offer to open a can of tuna.

I just don’t understand one minute I was petting it and it was even purring, the next thing I knew That thing turned into The Exorcist

RashaAlAqeedi AramShabanian

So...five minutes delay. Got it.

This is not fake news

It's a can't miss opportunity.

Have you tried petting the belly more than three times.

nice coverage of jparaLove

cuz grandma reminds you of your cousin who grew up hot

. No, Ive never thought of my grandma while in the throes of passion nor have I ejaculated in the last 6 hours (very very very very very very very very very very conservative estimate. It may or may not be days)

my eyes are sore from merely experiencing reading these thorough, thoughtful, professional, highly journalistic endeavors

I love the smell of mothballs wrapped around my face

'Bruh'

omg lmao this is one of your best in a long time

Hard to control when you imagine grandma bent over the counter......... making cookies

Oh no

This gave me erectile dysfunction

Brave, subtweeting POTUS like that.

cant stop a flood

Research checks out...

As long as it didn't hasten it

I thought it said “blown”

His spot is open, no stopping him

“we’re with him...”

. I think this is so inappropriate, Im snapshotting it, so as to increase awareness of its inappropriateness

Inverse headline: Restaurant Hostess Blows Dad

I really fucking hate this because i fell down stairs when i was 5 and landed on my knee

I didn't think other people did that too. The Onion makes me feel so unoriginal.

stop spying on me.

Future doctor

then on to the ears

lol

Thanks god it isn’t testicle...

Too real, guys. Too real.

Worse yet, they’re all actually in *England*, who needs that?

Costa Rica eco tours just a bunch of jungle.

I remember that same disappointment, I was wondering where Gandolph and all the hobbits lived

Not anywhere near as many quirky, needless interesting murders as I'd been led to believe.

Yeah but look at it though

And what have they done with the sheep?

worst part is there are hardly any castles. and the castles that are there are too cold

notsosexintheci

I wish I could wake in an antidepressants commercial.

We've all been there

It was because of the bedbugs, actually.

. “paints a very.. vivid picture of leg hair waving across the breezing steppes”

This offends me deeply and I don't know why

Haha

Isn’t that what the hand dryers at mcDonalds are for ? McHairfluffing

i hire a fluffer

when did the onion become real news

That's one sexy move, but you know what's even better? Is when man steps out of the shower and uses the towel to fluff his arm, armpit, shoulder, back, and beard hair! That's the sexist part of a man, his body hair! WOOF!

Is that you Joe?

Awwwh

i wish we had one at home

Karen strikes again. She took the kids and this is what happened after it.

Very important stuff.

It's usually that damn 'Walking on Sunshine.' song.

That's nice of you to say, but we both know I think I'm doing people a favor.

Update: Not only was this unsuccessful, but people within earshot were exposed to said shitty music and everyone in the car is now infected with the coronavirus

You're welcome!!

Give the people what they want

I did it on purpose too! And I’ll do it again!

take it fast on the freeway and try some led zeppelin

It’s not good music unless it’s mine

Who listening to lil pump?

That’s what you get for teaching those young wippersnappers how to read!

One of my ex's sons actually did this!

I love this

Now where am i gonna get my anger from?

Oh no!

'Breaking' news.

. . “I’d really like to see this factory in action. Is there a tour ?” whoever this guy is

same

And ur never gonna guess what the quiet dude at the factory brought to work that day....

Fukkkk Insurance was too expensive. Guess I'll have to home bottle my anger like in the past. 😠

Absolutely nailed my mood - thereby changing it Thank you, . I really mean that.

a chip fell off a shoulder

Boooo.

. . but these days they can add deadly mosquitos whoever they are

with or without alligators

and a Goat to cut the grass, mofos.

Also in from the FakeNews mill. 01/27/2020 - Unassociated Press - Gated communities begin adding domes over their community. Domed communities seem to have better air quality in early research. Large cities begin considering domes.

Are they hiring archers?

Well, it was last week! 😂😂😂😂😥

Shhhh

cough

it's not embarrassing if it's just a thing you always do when you go to the doctor! HAHA!

They’ll remind you too. Believe me. believe

Yeah bc that podiatrist was a pos

This site has a confirmed liberal bias. Why do these articles keep popping up on my page?

I didn’t want to eat Patches, I loved that cat.

He's likely dead by now.

When The Onion leaves satire for real news. :)

I see, I'll take my cent elsewhere

So my nickel donation wasn’t apprecited? Well... FINE!

. and for the ‘Flex Seal’ double guarantee have a friend get a Notary Public certification Since pretty much anyone can get one - no one could possibly fake it

Hey, I had one of those...but I forget what it was for.

I would say so. But how do we know this certificate wasn't forged?

MS Word's Certificate Of Authenticity template gets a real workout from me.

Good song, good song.

💪💪💪.

The song that never ends is much better for torture.

nesecito ayuda para my projecto denle like y dejen su comentario de esto depende mi nota no les cuesta mucho haganlo por ayudar

There is one of All Star by Smashmouth if that doesn't work. 👊

It could backfire on us because pretty sure you can turn YouTube mods into future terrorists by reporting it for nudity. They'll start hating the western civilization after they watch it till the end. 😜

That would be a fire jam to get waterboarded to.

'We've been trying to trace the subject's movements,' the agent explained. 'So in addition to being an effective form of enhanced interrogation, this video saves us from having to repeat the question: 'Where did you come from? Where did you go?''

There’s* ?

WHERE DO YOU COME FROM? WHERE DO YOU DO? WHERE DO YOU COME FROM, COTTONEYE JOE?

who was the real cotton eyed joe? why does he never get talked about? i'd like to piss on his grave

and here it is:

Does CIA leave the ads in or out? Asking for a friend.

coton eye joe is so good it makes people willing tell secrets to the cia

Wait till he find the Hamster Dance in Loop...

The onion has multiple layers - you’ve to peel each layer out. 😂

a layer of denial for whoever this guy is which works on two levels So there really are 4 dimensions to this frame

Seen it a thousand times. This is why I come when all the prep is done.

Interesting

🤣

You're not supposed to cut onions, you're supposed to read them and say, 'I thought onions were satire.'

o h b o y

Not the money, donut. Listen to the donkey.

Onision

Ah, so THAT's what happened. I'd wondered.

HA!

only way to do it (my only knowledge is of my own phone)

Stop giving away my secrets blabbermouth!

next

the truth isn't funny you are supposed to a page that make jokes

I wonder who they are

Scheduling is supposed to be on the schedule, but we can't find it.

Deep purple

No one told me life was gonna be this way 👏👏👏👏😢

Best. Headline. Ever.

You will never control me!

Except now this is now public high schools... ...and instead of censoring garbage like Rent, they censor Shakespeare for not being 'woke' enough.

Airbnb.

They could have cut it shorter...

Topical.

Actually the majority of Catholics support the LGBT community. FACT

That's about the preferred length for me, tbh

Sounds kind of flaky.

it’s bbq sauce

These headlines get more and more miserable every day.

Its the leeches on its tail that have cancer

Rip

a hero and a martyr. God bless 🙏

Don’t use disease and suffering as punch line.. no matter how evil that being is please 🙏 they’ll not give cure to their own children if they found one

saddest onion headline ever

Jesus that’s dark

😭😢

foul 😭

maybe its farts smell like cookies

I admire you guys. It is getting harder to tell a news story from one of your pieces. Keep up the race to ridicule.

WHAT

Whatever could it smell?

😂😂

DONT YOU DARE

Oh no, that poor dog.

Stop

5 months=way too soon

DezmondBDBC

Me.

I thought it was, 'Let's go for a coffee soon.'

I know that guy.

Re-latable Relationships

Sooo all my friends. Gotcha.

Holy shit

):

yeah that would do it

prove it

Do it.

Oh, can they?

I use my cans for swigging wine. Love a Cabernet with hints of cheddar and sour cream.

swug

Sometimes I wonder if I am 'the area man'

what can I say? I’m not that observant, okay?

Staff gotta sleep somewhere

ha ha ha ha

That’s always a treat.

Local Yokel Assumed Stairway Led to Upscale Crack House with a Dress Code

Fuck. This happened to me.

This changes everything.

HAHAHAHA

I’d eat it

I thought flamin hot was cheetos

Finally.. Fiona is going to feel flames so long a wait.. Fiona in flames.. whoohoo

Why would you do this ? Don't encourage those monsters.

MythicalChef

Did MythicalChef see this?

we need a Flamin' Hot Double Stuf Oreo

I hope it's onion-flavored.

Awesome I hate it

🤮

File under 'Culture'.

Ok but

Honestly sounds like it would be good with some sliced cucumber or celery

Get over it!

Are you sure it didn't say 'Alestorm'?

Pittsburgh beat writer at winter meetings?

hard to know which way to go

Ok , I laughed

There's big money in writing the sequel that gets the franchise back on track. You can do it.

You are America’s finest news source

How is the onion still around when it can't compete to real life?

I didn't quite get this one.

mind your business.

Today, Postal Inspector

I've had that happen

Kinda? He puked 🤮 on my doorstep!

went to get my package out of the mailbox found his instead

🧠

Shit. I think i know who this poor person is. Pray for his soul.

Whoa. Intense.

Weak We/eat

Nice

I always click the link cause your pinned tweet told me to and there’s not even an article... smh

STOP

Doors are immoral and racist.

'We now go live to , reporting from Midvale School.'

It wasn't door. It was wall. But there was much joy. For the wall was unlocked.

Hmmm

It's either push or pull. Take a chance. Saves time reading signs.

*Slams cat into wall* 'The deadbolt is stuck!'

ITYSL

I mean, you’ve narrowed it down to three, so ...

What if the door is...a lighthouse?

Wood chipper! lol

Holy crap. Everyone knows proper disposal etiquette is the wood chipper. Damn amateurs.

Those femurs are tough. They are like Kevlar or something.

Get a dog; nature’s way is best.

I hate when this happens. Gotta keep acid on hand.

Yeah. Buy the 1-hp model. Never a trace.

This is why i always say you have to have at least 1 hp.

3/4 HP is absolute minimum

In our house, I'm the garbage disposal

in other news: fuhrer's femur no match for local leaf-blower.

Crap. What's Plan B?

My garbage disposal has a hard time with human skulls

You are genius Onion.

Green Card

true

Went straight for the jugular on that one.

🤣

how the hell is this news? jesus

😂

They are rehearsing for a musical!

Hmm, is this my neighbors?

I think 'more' is an overstatement. ;) RoastOnion

Hey, it's the truth masquerading as fake news 😉👍

Pain or pleasure?😄

X

Were there any stains on the knee area?

'it's time for a grandchild' she thought

You just don’t see precious family traditions passed along like that anymore.

Bring back newswire

🤣🤣🤣

Sleebers Omfg

I guess her school had prom 9 months later than her mom's did? or maybe the giving of the dress was unrelated to the girl's prom...

Was prom and the 9 months somehow significant?

DNA on and in dress matched

Hahahahaha!!!! So good.

Prom in February? 🤔

Now this is the type of news I like to see

Unfunny

Is this some American joke that I'm too Canadian to get

MaraWilson UniquelyMe_JLD

🤣🤣🤣

Soo, I should definitely sleep for twelve hours a night and twelve hours a day, just to keep things even.

Also by just enough sleep.

clrakim it's us

Try sleep walking to slim down during the holidays

What about food?

he was that bad

If this was real I wouldn't bat an eye. Tis the season for science denial - if you're going to do it, might as well do it now.

They Swatted his ideas like a fly.. And reinstate the notion of a flat earth.. The end of the Earth must be somewhere near Downingstreet - people are advised to stay indoors

He doesn’t seem too worried

Impeach Galileo

I thought it said re-condoms

The Vatican comes out as FlatEarth.

Ok, Nietzsche 😒

For that you get the finger.

👍🔫

More proof Americans are getting softer, for crissakes!

DVD

timmanvegas 😂

What the hell I thought this was a fake news site

stephietweets

Is that the scheduled arrival of jay reatard's second coming?

Twomoreyears718 😓😓😓

🖕🏻

johnsdorn

Wtf i can’t even say stick to sports this is bullshit

I thought the onion was parody...who showed you my team?!?

I have a fantasy team who picks my fantasy teams, and they're all Onion staff. Oh wait... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Y'all actually nailed this headline.

Or CNN

Mask_lia us

Triggering. Please retract. Seriously. Please?

This is funny because capitalism has squelched creativity by incentivizing the commodification of every creative outlet including music.

Ha

Read that as “standard beer of global journalism” Had to scroll back to check Disappointing me as usual, The Onion

HIRE ME BITCH

But what brand? This is such shotty reporting...

There is no garage.

Yeah but it is Faygo and he got three years ago when there was that really good sale.

The nation is in shock at this information.

Cc aniceburrito

*pops out to garage to get another couple cans for the fridge; everyone knows he's sneaking brandy shots*

Well, I'm thinking about it now that you've mentioned it.

Ah, the third stage of depression

Really tapped into the pulse of America

I went to your site and couldn't find a single article about onions. What's up with that?

Plastics

'social med... edit...' 'Pardon?' 'I said Social Media Editor, OKAY?! I write Tweets for a living. So shoot me. Jeez.'

this has to be false. no such thing as a smart athlete

...used his experience 'leading others' to his advantage. Saved several death row inmates...

Ever consider that he really wanted to be in the band but had no musical talent and then wanted to go to med school but failed Organic Chem?

Handsome as hell, too!

More Information on Lori Laughlin's Son is Available at BuyMeACareerMom .net.

honestly bullies tend to get more successful irl

👉🏻 gblanstonku

Next paragraph: happily married with two well adjusted children. Fuck!

Hahaha. Glad I wasnt stupid enough to become a lawyer. What a waste of a perfectly good brain.

I literally can’t. He’s even more successful now... welp here’s to lying at the reunion... I am now an astronaut doctor who has discovered the cure for everything including the common cold by day and a model by night.

just a few sexual assaults away from being on the supreme court

fuck me

That asshole!

😂

' I call him George ' Bang ' George is dead ' ' I call him George ' Bang ' George is dead ' ' I call him George ' Bang ' George is dead ' ' I call him George ' Bang ' George is dead ' ' I call him George ' Bang ' George is dead ' ' I call him George ' Bang ' George is dead '

sorry martha sorry jim sorry ralph sorry tim sorry edna sorry mr cowwy sorry mike stop Just STOP

Based much?

V8POW Naming then? Whatever could they mean?

Before or after he whacked them in the head with a hammer?

...all George.

this is mr. dad:

Popehat Dis u?

Go before Jim Spamfilter decides the Onion should stick to Joe Biden

LeighEllis nailed it

dad's the naked cowboy

Well the snooze button is a soporific due to its virtus dormitiva.

Before morphine, there was only sleep

I thought mine did but it turned out to be a placebo.

the decline of civilization began with the invention of the leaf blower.

I am, officially, being watched..

Am I supposed to be horrified?

Why don't you leave him be?

I know the guy. Obsessive compulsive disorder. He is counting the leaves. The whole scene turns into a real circus when a breeze show up!

I wouldn’t fall for that.

Manually operated leaf blower = rake.

All leafs matter

you millenials and your fancy leaf blowers. back in my day we had to eat the leaves as sustenance, and none of us complained about it!!!!!

elonmusk electric leaf blower any time soon?

Pathetic. Guy deserves whatever he gets

gigabyte diabetes

I accept

c is for cookie. that’s good enough for me

Ok, now do location tracking.

Just browsin'

Cookies and tea 😋

scary as in expensive

Oh cool the Nickelodeon website is all new and updated and a lot harder to navigate now!

Some are

*Cyborg has entered the chat*

veemo

WTF ! thats plagiarism from CNN!!!

Still better than CNN...

Sorry y'all weren't supposed to here that

kharypayton you hear about this?

even ron stoppable isn't safe

Oh lordy they comin'

Woomy!

i wonder where it came from

JUNIUS_64 *distant splatoon music*

This web address is fake news

Pretty sure that was heard through the hearing doors in the US House of Representatives today. ItsOverGOP

Followed by “Baba Booey!”

followed by sirens

Doing fake news since (whenever the onion was made i am too lazy to look it up).

and paint finger nails

Stealing from the New York Times now?

Update: And Sometimes Feet

Makes a few bucks on the side selling body parts to university med school.

The only news source I trust!!

.、。 .'、, .'、,^^-( ‘ω’ )-^^ .'、, ーーーーーーー

The Onion: 'Cemetery Groundskeeper Starts Each Day By Trimming Hands Poking Out of the Ground'

amymagsND I will call you.

Bless their hearts

FAKE NEWS!!!!!!!!!! Should read: '...starts each day trimming the NAILS on the hands poking out of the ground.'

A reminder to snip at the joints

They're doing god's work

The Onion For more exemplary journalism, visit ◯◯. Thank you very much.

Exemplary AND exceptional!

The real press has been scooping you lately.

coach Patriotic molested me in high school

Love him or hate him, he's spitting straight fax

TheBabylonBee is killing you guys

Is it pilaf pronounced pylaf or peelaf?

Hypercorrection!

Lackadaisical

It happens lol

Go Pronounciation! Woooooooo!!!

This is one of those times where you imagine the haircut before you imagine the man (and trust me, it's a man).

Thank you TheOnion for this lovely tweet

Not as long as the waking nightmare we are enduring. Nor as frightening.

I feel this...

yo bring back the tracy mcgrady article. you know the one. 😅

MissAsheGrey

Welcome to my life

Lol.

You wish. I'll stop wen i feal liek it

Now you have gone Too Far!

I know what he's going as for Halloween!

Those body parts will come in handy, area Dick Cheney aid says, with a smirk on his face.

Hard to beat.

I don't get it, does this still happen somewhere?

Don’t you mean a cop car?

On the surface, funny, but while a corpse is in an ambulance it can't be used to help living people, so it makes sense to get rid of the corpse as quickly as possible. ... or not use ambulances to carry around stiffs.

Someone gotta do it. God bless them guys!

Bruh

It’s fucking funny 😄

Naw its funny.

Been there. Done that. Not sure it’s that funny.

Hire Elon Musk, thoughts are easy to control

Bring back red table lamps and cigarette tray girls

Cheaper drinks

'Man will remember $130 bottle of vodka drunk in 20 minutes for years'

😝

Austintatious85 AndrewCasals

So where does that leave Melania?

Don't undersell yourself you're not just a standard bearer of global journalism you're quite a good bearer of global journalism . . . . . . . . . OK sort of, but definitely not standard.

I'm still shook from your hard hitting piece on DevinHasALeakingAnus SHOOK!

BREAKING: 'F--- yeah,' says a fine girl named Brandy

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk There goes my wedding plans

Brandy did her best to understand.

'PC Load Letter? The f*ck does that mean?'

Ah, yes, Carson City.

cryptograffiti APompliano

that’s my jam yo

open door, remove tray, clear paper from roller, restart machine

Remember to pull it out slowly or you'll just tear it.

I don't like that Jammin

My ass disagrees.

The best headline I've read so far

If you’re not using your core muscles & every muscle in your legs to stay tight on my horses, you’ll be catapulted!! They’re athletes & they know it!! 😹❤️🐎❤️lol BigMovers

FakeNews The truth is that riding horses is a surprisingly affordable means of falling, and in so many different ways.

What's your inspiration?

Can confirm..

So Meta

Very expensive. Plus horse farts

GreenJ ?

🤣🤣🤣🤣Just as I have always thought!

Study finds skiing just an expensive form of standing

Still can't beat having a remote.

But, can your chair jump hurdles? We love to Fly !

That's not true because you're forgetting the most important part: cutting down your enemies with mounted archery and pillaging their cities.

Advanced research

Shocking news.

And by worse I assume you mean warm and smelly.

Not the third switch.

😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹

Xcusmeh wad de fak?

'Well that could've gone better, now it's just burnt and exploded like an egg'

'Did somebody leave the oven on?'

and smell something awful

Did he ground Frank at the ankles?

MugiwaraNoIan ok that made me smile

this could be the most intriguing title to an article i’ve ever read. I laughed aloud with so much curiosity 😂🤔.. Easiest click i’ve ever made

Sounds like Dr. Frankenstein embellished reports of his success if the attempt to replicate it failed. FrankensteinsNonster

Didn’t work before, either! Yours, Baron Von Frankenstein!

no lightning available because of the strike

Hate when that happens.

you know what they say if you fail, troy troy troy again HAR HAR HAR

Re-animation wasn't built in a day.

Sounds like a Friedkenstein

Fact

🙄

O-oh.

Bands will make me dance

The worst part about my dog being sick is having to spell diarrhea. For some reason that word is kryptonite to me. I'm glad when it's over.

Maynaze

Miracle whipped

Meyohnaze

I thought we all settled on 'mayo'

Mayonaze

Yup, you guys got a healthy lol from me with this one.

Mayounoitte.

Ever since Mayostardonnaise came into my life, there is no looking back to the primitive life I once led.

I hate it when you get the point where autocorrect just abandons you, like, 'You're on your own, man; I'm out.'

I actually laughed out loud - thanks for that!

fuck wait how do you actually say it

Poor Doug

With electric content that time and space allows. Your articles bring me smiles

Reminds me of the last thing my daddy said to me: “Hey, watch this!”

So relatable

OMG, just realized that guy's never actually worked before. 😆

Thanks for all the breaking news.

TooLittleTooLate

I hate heaven.

luckyjarm

mood elonmusk

kc 2 oc.

Jeffs are the 2nd worst Steves are the first worst, after Scotts and Chads, of course.

Sadle up space cowboys 🐄 🚀

.Imma warm up these poles for you elonmusk

Who's Jeff?

ghost_mine damn you

drdisrespect

It’s not my fault though.

I am, thank you ☺️

hits too close home

LIES. 1. I don't have prettier friends. Not saying I'm gorgeous, I'm saying we're all ugly. 2. No mortal alive can defeat me at Mario Kart.

Meow?

GamingEqualsLuv

Oh wow, they're talking about me!

I never agreed to this interview

But is he better at fellatio? There's only one way to find out, and you win either way.

booper_xd

logiect you

lynnie542004

They have to keep reminding me.

yvngjvng u

iceempress66

Unfriend.

O.o

Well?

who cares, remake everything

Omg 😳 I used to love that movie. I’m glad someone still remembers that weirdness. I used to watch it when I was 6 or 7. It was cool and creepy all at the same time.

don’t forget dumb

Roadie arrested buying bags of oxy for band, says pink is their favorite color.

That might work.

I call it Billy and the Clone a saurus

You gotta be careful what you type in the inter webs.

The Onion, I’ve asked you multiple times: Stop publishing my google searches.

Just update it for modern times and change pinball to like, Fortnite or something. No, don't worry, you don't have to reply, I'm angry at me for making this joke, too.

'History repeats itself.' [subroutine call] 'History repeats itself.' [subroutine call] 'History repeats itself.'

Who?

There has got to be a twist.

Issavibrationalpull

We’re all keeping our fingers crossed for his “hair vacuum” to take off as well.

Gotta love ASL SIGNS

Brilliant and original idea. 😂

It’s my funeral, you going out disco dancing afterwards in that dress? It’s plum too short, pastor will forget the eulogy!

... hold my beer....

Y'all know Jeffrey Epstein?

I Never Visit Onions. I Have Them Dance In Front Of Leeks.

More like the leaner

He went out for Chinese food and never came home. Then, one day when he needs a ride to dialysis...

Area Man: The world's first geometry superhero. Can find the area of any geometric shape just by looking at it!

And then thankfully abates into simple delusion.

Now y is someone got me block on here ......oh well .....everyone of you self worth is worth more then anything .. for me my worth is priceless no money could ever take my self worth away . Humans are a funny kind but we are way worth more then we ever see..

Don’t worry, Area Man. It will pass.

Currently on a downward spiral after my confidence got to high a couple days ago

Samespot. Sitting.

Me

Me with my 40 twitter followers

Me when I have a positive KD in Halo

Me when I make a shit mixtape

Meow? You ok elonmusk

I love rebellion

Old_PandaXXX Sachback פינק

GustavoArellano Hahahahaha

but not in the fruit bowl

For scale

Bananas? — Why You Should Cool Your Bananas

Weirdos

R8(her)

Why is the banana in the fridge?

You crack me up lol. It's funny he admitted to getting head from his friends girlfriend in a text to me. Stupid.

If he is in a fresh white tee and grey sweats in public, he's a slut. mikealami sonofjoe

Standard attire when visiting the strip club.

This is why I don't wear sweatpants. Too easy

It’s not called easy-access pants for no reason

I 100% guarantee you microwave popcorn, a romantic comedy, & a relationship involving people comfortable watching each other poop explain this captivating story.

Diners flee, as they start in the middle of McDonald's.

There was a time when you were funny. “Was” being the operative word.

“Actually I would feel more comfortable if I just put my penis through this hole” -Dave Chappelle

Stop triggering me please i've been think of her a lot recently

i’m not so sure

😁😄

Trump to Bolton, as bolton browses the advice websites for incontinence.

It me

whatabootyou

The Poolitzer award winning journalism.

*Browsing Twitter App During Phone Conversation

Trump OKs Pompeo plan to infiltrate Iran, dressed as an Arabian princess. Hilarity ensues, more at 11.

Thank you for supplying me with headlines to shout out during thanksgiving dinner to piss off my Dad.

🤣🤣🤣

An electrified spruce is interfering with my SSID

Uh huh

Good advice

That is just false. “Lying american gets big promotion “ see how that becomes funny with a grain of truth added ?

Alrighty then! They finally canned The Mouth!

Another Trump article?

Been waiting since Jan 2017 for this headline. Bless

Hey pal! We signed a non-binding non-disclosure agreement. This makes me mildly upset that you would blast me here of all places! I'm going to write you a scathing letter that you won't soon forget, for at least 10 minutes! You'll see!

Many Many out there on the Left! Glad one got snagged!

No thanks, too busy being on fire. I need to find a extinguisher.

No he's still in the White House

I knew it would happen some day, but I wish they told us why :(

Let me guess, shoot for the sky and you’ll land among the stars. I’m not good at this.

saw a white pigeon today, got made fun of for being excited :(

not when I share how good content is

I hate sincerity

Don't Ask me ! I just hatched !

I suspect my brother was involved.

Love THE O!

cuz it’s trump

😲

He’s such an asshole. I’m not sure why we’re still friends tbh

I used to be a huge Onion fan, online and in print. Still have a pile of their books. But they've gotten much less funny in recent years… as this tweet suggests.

What?

Is this directed at a certain Vermont senator

Ya gotta also Zip da Quips bruh! ...

The journalism-satire spectrum is a flat circle

This doesn't even rhyme.

Pimp2

Wtf really omg 😂🙏🏻

Oh no! The juggernaut escaped! Someone call Deadpool!!

. What was it used as?

And for something from the worlds smallest and least juggernauty news outlet - visit here Thanks in advance

It's like, no respect!

mdkarst bruh!?

That implication that dinosaurs where strong enough to not only beat but kill angels adds a whole new layer to their extinction.

TomHoltzPaleo

Oh now that's a good headline

How so?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Funnier if it was a nebulum. Good shit though.

What if its just a marketing ploy for a new mall

FidgetyAura I know this is a joke but a dinosaur vs an angel fight sounds AMAZING.

Yesterday i found a large sword after cracking an egg.. I fully understand evolution now..

So chickens are evolved from the more cunning angels?

This is the kind of image that belongs painted on the side of a van. It would be glorious

No

Yes, we'll, they were very convincing

Musta been ol donniebrook himself.

Jurors are hilarious.

Oh so devious.

D_Ricker81

“..... and that was his name-o...” !!!

Oooooof

That is good news trust me

Christoph waltz BINGO ! !... inglorious bastards

Felt this one chief

Arrest them now

That took balls.

Was that the therapist's name-o?

Stop subtweeting me. I can't help it if my family isn't exactly an amazing array of strong genetic material.

In today's journalism landscape... your 'news' are believable and on point.

How do you find a guy like that?

theOKbanana

😂 wow

I thought you said standard bareer of global journalism for a second. 😄

Gotta give you props, guys. Coming up with stories that out-parody current events has got to be a challenge.

Area twitter account a treasure trove of shitty tweets

Now my fap is out of sync.

FFS SMH

Dammit, tedcruz!!!

Why!!! God WHY!!!

...as the prophecy foretold.

danlippertcool drewtarver chosenberg itsjonmackey

Dozens of Students Interrupt Their Restroom Vaping To Check Out Commotion.

These are sharpies, not dry erase markers!

benroy00 thosewhocant

Kroger Tells Customers to Quit Openly Carrying Guns in Their Stores Oh, I'm sorry! . . . That's a REAL headline. What's next?. . . . Target Tells Customers to Quit Openly Taking a Dump on Aisle 6?

Mrs. Finklemeier: 'I've had my bagel stolen for the last time!'

For more legendary basketball, visit the Barclays Center so you can watch the GOAT KD 🗣❗️❗️💯

So he did it on stage in front of a paid audience? Tre sheik.

there is no modern day Lenny he was sui generis

Real.

benignmasochism

26 of them live on the edge with no insurance, at all. Next week on The Onion: Area Man Dings Door, Proclaims he's Willy Wonka, and will Pay in Chocolate in a Windshield Note.

Got ‘em

The only site we can trust in this era of journalism

The only news organisation, without a single fake news in it . Keep up the good work.

Huh?

I just read that whole headline!

Hours of fun and amusement in a rain stick.

adamcurry THErealDVORAK

I dont know why people say the onion is based on “sarcasm” and “jokes” clearly top tier factual reporting is all that goes on

Just a quick one

The Onion humor will be needed again once trump is in prison

That new girl in Receiving looks receptive.

Ooooh My god I’m fucking dying lol

Te

Who's the exceptional bearer of global journalism, though?

Not A Lot of Sympathy For Kids Who Throw Sand and Pee in the Sandbox.

👎

Sorry guys. Reality is now usurping your previous domain.

Care packages, bday gift form or not, are always great... just saying.

I can relate, little guy. Not a knife, not always taste but yes taste, yes touch Maybe they were Frank Lloyd Wright chairs, at the Art Institute of Chicago. They were stacked, the gallery was empty but for the guard *right there*. I had to touch so I finally did: *touch* phew

Ummmm....

Which of Trump's follies is the knife?

But no one ever blames the knife

Tastes like ice cream

me, an 18-year-old adult, still fighting that urge

...that's terrible, delete that!

It tastes like blood.

It was originally going to be a gift card.

Where can I purchase? The link does not take me to where I can buy

and something to snicker about later

I was wondering what he's been up to

So, how do you feel about it.

Rough headline

Here is my Aunt Maxine who was famous for her chocolate cakes, as long as you mentioned it.

Old aunt or Hot aunt?

I would pay 50 pennies

bumbadadabum

Fake news! The only scientific-proven spot for feet is out of the bedsheets. Give me a grant or somesuch. Also: sleep nude. 'Nother grant.

There is only one JuggernautJohn

Aahhh...ecstasy!! lol

Ha...more like MY FOOT found a REALLY CHILL spot of the bed and now my foot and bed are DATING

Changing minds one liberal thaught at a time!!

Thank you Onion, very cool!

Disgusting. Why won't people take their feet off before bed?

You don't understand how important finding a cool spot for your foot is

I know! Right?

Um,would that be his own mucus,or does he get donated mucus?

Pogonophile Constantly Stroking Face, Often Mistaken For Idea Man.

The Onion To see more unmatched reporting, visit ◯◯.com. Thank you very much.

What? Amazing

Kiksthefreaks

Yeah, I know that some people pay to see that poles.

Just wait until you see rotisserie chicken.

God I love .

Is the Pole clothed?

😂😂😂👏👏👏

Roscotpa remember when you turned me on to their print newspaper back in the day? They still got it!

Probably because of blatant sexism.

cute

Is there any video proof?

Disgusting.

why i thought that said empty journalism, i haven't a clue. this is great content

oh shit Liked this post at 69

CNMneews should get on this right away, at least then they won't have to cover an empty podium for nearly 2 hours...a second time.

This made me larf

This is the content I'm here for

yawn...

He is truly a king among men

...and we have a party!

or right next to your car

I always think to myself that thw people who do this are the most important people. Obviously.

People really appreciate that little extra bit of courtesy...not his fault if the wind pushes it into a parked car...

Teenage Cart Attendant Drops F-bomb Twice

Monster.

As someone who works with putting carts back, there is nothing more annoying than this

I'm not crying you're crying ;)

I thought I was the only one who did this....🤪🤪🤪

WePutOurCartsBack

Sales Clerk at Bird Feed Store Compliments Her Boho-Chic Jewelry Every Time.

But you always start with the classic unicorn style!!

OMG that's that's me, lol

Nothing wrong with that! slowly slides extra hair ties into pocket ☺😇

perfectly reasonable.

They can also be used for cock rings in a pinch.

“oh here i have an extra”

There can never be enough of these. Or 80s Big Hair Power Ballads.

Good thing I'm around then.

Autistic songs? REALIcePoseidon

Unmatched? 🤔

go eat at outback. you’ll hear plenty

My lungs have long been in the pockets of Big Inhale. Big Inhale controls a lot more than you think. BigPharma BigOil BigInhale BigBoi

*inhale*

iameden man down?

Send recommendations pls

Big inhale: the start to every shitty YouTube apology video

well I heard there was a secret chord

Does Every Rose Has It’s Thorn count or is that an exhale?

Best intentions - Hodera

PotatoesOGrady i feel compelled to tag you in things that are landlord related, but like, in a hateful way

Ugh. Just don't hire this guy.

I lost a lot of coins because our landlord refuses to post out of order signs.

This is some good quality news right here 👍

The onion is the most trusted source out there.

cowabanga!!!

glass on the beach

snopes is gonna fact check this.

NZacek

bethanyshondark 😂

Rumor has it that we're very close to the rare upgrade to 'hungover'.

That's Minecraft.

Sometimes I think you make these stories up. 🐾

A woodchuck baby would be ecstatic with this reward.

“Is there an app for this?”

So you go to an Ivy League college and then spend your working life writing clever, witty but ineffectual satire. It’s a living I suppose...

Just what every child desires

Come on Snopes, do your thing! 🤣😂😂

What has the world come to?

Ah hell,gas is so old-school. Thermite works much,much better.

I thought this was still America.

It would have been funnier if you had said that high gas prices are forcing people to cut back on baked bean consumption. 😃

WWERollins burnitdown

It didn’t stop TulsiGabbard kamalaisacop KamalaHarris

“We have to find an alternative accelerant “.

o.o yup

I’m in the news!

😂😂😂

Mood

He was also found to be in possession, of a fully functioning cold fusion device, and after offering free energy for all, was whisked away in a black SUV, with men in black suits.

I have a 'diffidence cloak' which keeps me invisible.

Why don't you report on how awful the NBA refs are? They literally dedicate their lives to sabotaging James Harden. Imagine if Harden got the calls other superstars get, he’d average 90 PPG and have 13 championships and MVPs.

This Just In: Woman Told She Needs To Get Out Of Her Shell Is Told It Will Make Her Happier By Friend Who Complains All The Time

Shy or high?

allahpundit snopes This is crazy, is it true?

In high school he was fooled to be a cellist in the marching band.

Skeletons by nature are usually quite shy.

I check the obituaries everyday to make sure my name isn't in there lol.

I'M DEAD I TELL YOU! DEAD!

😭

Deserved

was cuz the dude in the 3rd row had asparagus farts, everyone was waving it away.

We all deserve standing ovations for reading this.

Deep joke here. Day-um... 😎

'CATS' again?

Still....not....funny

The play was Sweet Caroline.

Hahahahhahaha....

Thank you for this awesome and well done reportage.

All that excitement for nothing ....

Measure twice, cut once.

Thank for exposing these frauds , I haven't been so outraged since.

That happens a lot with conjoined twins that they often stand close together. You know what they say 'Two heads aren't better than one'

I love you guys...but...from a friend...i'd really consider taking that down...very very very offensive.

Dayton. Figures.

But they’re still in Dayton, OH, so prayers are needed.

Dear Onion I love you

Wasn't this in Family Guy?😂

😢

We hope the bulldozers are Amercan Made! MAGA2020

Family Guy did it

you're not supposed to post real articles

Bruh

Clickhole is better

. You folks are pretty damn good at this humor stuff. Wonder if you enjoy or simply practice that talent?

Adam & Steve?! Oh my!

Tell the whole story here onion,truth is,the only thing they really had in common is the fact that neither one liked giving bj's!

And a d*ck too

OlafFoss YUP

During a long time I could watch a couple in the back seat of a taxi. Of course they were married. How do I know? They didn't speak to each other.

...that and she was willing to pay him, and he was willing to accept payment, to sham marry her so she can have an anchor baby by her also illegal boyfriend, and bring her parents, brother, sister, and uncle to USA for the 'free benefits'... such as housing, food, health care etc

You actually forgot they both hate each other

Lmao

oof...

Who's going to be the first asshole to post 'I thought did satire'?

WilKenney look it's us

With oratory skills like that, he missed his calling as a Trump speechwriter

Screwdriver Goldstein is safe. For now...

i hate having to memorize dialogue. i wish icepick louie would let me improvise or let me write my own tag lines

it's hard to find good help these days

Assassin picks up the pieces of his life after fucking up ..

Didn't pick his words right

Don't bring an ice pick to a gun fight.

Icepick Louie should have picked a cooler assassin.

😂👌

SethMacFarlane NeebsOfficial

Nice! 💪💪

SethMacFarlane 🤣Love it!

SethMacFarlane Love this “sigh”. 🥰

SethMacFarlane And I still don’t understand your point but 😁it’s always nice to explain everything in a nice way

SethMacFarlane .....or like this😜

The article says they had no idea who the reporter was until he found them. I guess they knew who they were talking about.

'Git. Please don't turn on me and eat me. Go far away before you remember you have sharp teeth and claws and that I smell like a chicken burrito.'

😭😭

Animals prefer SVN.

Idk why but this is my favorite tweet now

Tokeybee

I know they're your business competitor, but you can't be shitting on HardDriveMag like this

Truly misplaced aggression

Shoot the messenger.

How many times have you ripped out a computer's guts, looked the monitor in the eye and said, 'I'm going to RAM this up your...'

it’s completely misplaced and if the hard drive doesn’t like things around here it can go back to the tower it came from

💪😂

if they did this to the case I guarantee the media wouldn't be in an outcry on about this. this is biased and selective reporting.

Keyboard and Mouse look on in horror.

Anger at the Federal Reserve taken out on the upper middle class

Simple trick. When you have sweat stains just pee your pants and no one will notice the sweat stains. Works everytime

I can’t figure this out. Why is there no deodorant that prevents sweating under the arms?

When will you start reporting the REAL news. People are too stressed-out because they have crappy jobs destroying the env't & destabilizing the climate, but they can't quit b/c they would face poverty. Sweat stains would be a lot smaller but for this stress. Share natural wealth

You can't have sweat stains if you don't wear any clothes.

The Onion For the latest from the world’s most unstoppable media juggernaut, visit ◯◯. Thank you very much.

mockingbirdmin

For the sake of Amercan Patriots, at the last moment Mitch McConnell came with a better idea. Use the land for Trump, Trump & Lady T monuments and statues. MAGA2020

since all the old graveyards are going condo, it just makes sense

The scary thing is this could be a legitimate news article very soon.

Mass graves?

I'm having an x^2 + y^2 = r^2 moment.

Man who just learned what confirmation bias is now notices it everywhere he goes.

jacklutz711 did you get hired, flame me, and then quit from the onion?

Clearly they did not give the character a good 'story arc'. This is clearly a case of 'gambler's fallacy'.

MahimAmaan

Circular logic.

It's always confirmation bias

That's a bit to close to home for me☹️

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Point: This is totally confirmation bias Counterpoint: This is begging the question

*zoning* lawsuit?

...

Is that the original owner or a current one?

more like the other when the one is unhappy with it

What happened in Vegas didn’t stay there evidently.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

I believe u

America!

Can't be...I've seen the proliferation of 7 _ 8 _ 10-ounce canisters. Is there no respect for history!

since coffee pot lids are no longer standard use

About damn time!

Like texas and a football camp?

How much 1 soda of gasoline

After years of drinking soda, my body can become the official U.S. 200 pound measure!

In related news, soda bottle becomes official U.S. 2-liter measure. And who says Americans can’t do the metric system?

truthiness

You're not wrong!

Beer is saying “hold my...me”

Overturned. Ninth Circuit.

Stripes that go inwards

towards the crotch! And then out of the pockets! It's awesome!

Those are just polka dots

Post a pic

Inverted straps that pulls your clothing down.

They go right into his anus!

No offense but the TheBabylonBee runs circles around you.

Teens: we don’t negotiate with terrorists

😅😅😅😅

bkornick Sketchy teens.

teehee

Same for you, Roy Moore.

ACOMM is a known hate group.

they WISH teens would hang out in malls again. they're at home ordering vape pens online

Onion I love u

especially if they've been dead long enough already

You posted my study!

I knew it!

I want to donate my bitcoin to that institute for financial support

must be government-funded.

HA! Only at walmart

They needed a study to figure THAT out?

Suffering dogpression? Ask your vet about Xipraxbone.

👎

I am older than every dog on this planet

Not easy on a teens salary to feed a dog. Sometime you have to give of yourself.

What’s Ivanka’s take on this issue?

I love these guys.

mostly suicides & dog food from china

Pre teen in most cases

:(

Damn.

You’ve finally crossed the line.

I used only your website to site my current events English project once, my teacher SHIT her pants

I laughed at this and I hate it

ouch

His or his significant others?

...in his neighbor’s house and shooting him in the process.

So proud

Hard-hitting stuff guys.

wow a cop using his abilities while not abusing colored people that's a first

Finally, tax payer's money is being put for good use!

davabel Onion has been doing some excellent environmental reporting recently!

I could light up a damn block some days.

Isn't this how the Matrix starts?

Talk about renewables.

FINALLY

connecting to the grid!

my time has come

Plug me in.

we could light up the world

If only

Haha! Definitely could power a planet with my nervous(shy) self

:O

I wish newswire would come back

because

The worst oatmeal is cut with... a herring!

I only eat diamond-cut oats

This one hits close to home 🏡 SteelCut Oats

eat lead

Quaker Oats... tastes like GLYPHOSATE !

Why do cannibals like to eat people who lie? So they can get enough fibber in their diet.

I only eat cast iron-cut oats. Raw.

Nothing cuts like steel...just sayin'

Didn't know the proper way to pronounce several GoT characters until the show

desolate_number _hudasaeed

How about when an author finds a convoluted way to have one character tell another how to pronounce their name.

I was shocked when the Game of Thrones TV show came out, and they called Emilia Clarke's character Deh-NEH-ris. She had always been DAY-neh-ris to me in the books.

I refuse to pronounce Micah as my- cah.

or alternatively: Reader Has No Idea How To Pronounce Character’s Name So He Just Skips Over Name With A Blank In His Head

Hur-mee-own harrypotter

I read the Handmaid's Tale several times, then listened to the audio book and was shocked to hear Offred pronounced 'Of Fred', I always thought it was 'Ah fred'. Now my head spins when I think about it!! 😂

philipjcowley Herm---aye---own

Hair-me-own Granger

Riveting.

SamSykesSwears MykeCole ChuckWendig DelilahSDawson I struggle with this in every fantasy/ scifi material

seh-zeth son-son vallano wore white on the day he was to forever mispronounce his own name cuz it sounds cooler

Don't forget the author Gooey De Maupassant.

I did call Ford “Prefect” Ford “Perfect” for 5 books.

CC: bergjj

Thank you! I'm sick of f'd up names.

Hysterical (but please edit)

Reading the Percy Jackson books in middle school and pronouncing the gods’ names like “Poizedon” and “Hayds”

+is

He?

regards from Her-me-own Granger.

Why stop at 1 when you can call the guy Ford Perfect for 5 books?

[Reading 'Rita Hayworth And Shawshank Redemption'] Andy ... Doo-FRES-nee?

Every time.

If less than exemplary proofreading, evidently.

RIP me thinking it was 'Herm-e-own', 1997-2001

Haer-me-own

Did any American readers *not* say “Hermoine” until the movies came out?

Hi-meh Lannister

That's great. 🙂

Seems about right as that's about as far back as they can remember.

Juggernaut - a huge, powerful, and overwhelming force or institution. TheOnion is not the juggernaut you’re looking for.

Just like the funds in their retirement plans furiously saved in just the last five years.

Some times the bees save us ❤

Beware the mighty ass of the bee.

i’m taking you to see the queen

It's Beelon Musk's world. We're just living in it.

Oh, throw on pandora...

Yep. The Onion, the cat’s meow of journalism.

Normally I enjoy , but lately, TheBabylonBee has been leaving you in the dust.

If you actually want more traffic on your site, fix the infinite scroll algorithm. I don't want to see the same 2 or 3 articles in an infinite loop.

Now, we call this 'acting.'

Jack Of All Trades Loses Out On High Paying Permanent Position Due To Bullshit Labor Laws And Practices.

There's always free agency

kericksen80free

This is the meanest thing I’ve ever read

Jill of all trades enters 7th year as temp glass ceiling cleaner.

no strings, no attachments

I feel personally attacked

One of these days, this tweet won't be ironic. At all.

Diamond Joe is back.

Bruh

The onion posts like The scandals 😂

kid was asking for it

Is this about Sara Sanders exit interview at the podium? (And yes, I will write for you)

You guys are better than Breitbart.

Biden?

exactly. in the car. pitter patter. full briefing to follow.

No!

how many times has she told me. gearing up for that question

The Onion's mission is to expose people everywhere to positive and empowering news and information.

Agreed

Fine with me, as long as the size of the snacks don't matter.

It's like their documenting my life.

LongGoneDays

And beer is desert.

time for dessert

yep.

thank you kind satirical news source

JennyGarner11 asnow3295

Def my whole Adult life rn.

this makes me feel a whole lot better about eating a tube of pringles for dinner.

Your dinner is served at 5PM at hospitals.

Agreed.

Man Begins Cross-Kitchen Journey In Search Of A Better Knife And He Settles For Chopsticks.

Expect a long, exhausting, sweaty, bloody, thirsty, hungry, frustrating trek

....for the current one had only partially helped him slice off his wife's throat. Pls also share the complete report of the incident.

Let's hope it's not a butter knife, it's a well known fact that we have no clue what those look like.

absrdNEWS When I got to work today, I went to the locker room to change my shoes and found a butter knife in one of them. What does it mean?

I feel that

Media messed up a few ... letters ✔️

'For more exemplary journalism' Your site is more reputable than any other MSM.

Ugh...travel stories are the worst.

Her: Why are you watching C-Span? Me: I can't reach the remote.

JeffBezos

... and gets hit by a bus. Better planning next time around.

Hello Ashley Madison.

Hold on I've seen this anime...

Literally Oglaf

It usually works the other way for me.

Story of my life

my god.....she uses that thing like a sword!

Or a career in Hollywood

bellalujah i don't know why this is so fucking funny after what i overheard but it is

You aren't talking about Deliverance, are you?

Hmmm, reminds of a Governor 🤔

this is like every dream I have

Do you dare enter my magical realm?

Would be anticlimactic otherwise. Defeating the whole concept from start to finish!

My religion

The only REAL way to clean it!

Many onlookers offered to assist in the cleanup but were turned away by authorities who told them it was nacho cheese.

Where do I turn to for the earliest ?

Drullkus NachoHusky

Thank God!

teh

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