Vol 55 Issue 33

Vol 55 Issue 33

Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies

Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies

14.8.2019

Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies

YOUR LOCATION—Encouraging the fellas to go ahead and take a hike, a report released Wednesday confirmed that this next one goes out to all the ladies. “Mmmmm, you fine specimens have worked so hard today and deserve a little news-in-brief all to yourselves,” read the report in part, inviting all the foxy female readers to dim the lights, draw a bath, and just allow this article to take care of their needs for a change. “Whether you’re on your phone or in front of a computer, this is your time to scroll however you please. And don’t worry about the gentlemen, they’ve got their own news report. Why don’t you just let your hair down and enjoy a little one-on-one attention from the text on this screen.” At press time, most women had reportedly left this story after it had become inundated with rowdy, obnoxious men.

Read more: The Onion

I don't understand. There's no mention of being chaste, penitent, or even a mention of devoutly kneeling. The ladies, the ladies Damn. Unlucky Send the one after tho out to all the ones we’ve left behind We do not know quite how to take this! Ha, ha, ha, ha . . . What, are you actually hiring one?

Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey EpsteinYOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating that you, and you alone, were the sole person who had correctly surmised what happened to Jeffrey Epstein. “Despite widespread speculation and numerous conflicting theories as to the truth behind Epstein’s apparent suicide in his jail cell, we have determined that you, the person currently reading this, are the only one to have arrived at the correct conclusion,” read the report in part, adding that your superior deductive reasoning skills and ability to think for yourself had prevented you from being suckered in like those other oblivious fools. “You are the only one who knows what’s actually going on here. While the rest of them are chasing the wrong leads and getting distracted by red herrings, you have cracked the case. Now the only question that remains: What are you going to do with the bombshell of the century?” At press time, sources issued a follow-up report confirming that the powers that be were onto you and you needed to leave your family and run. “The Onion” would like to know your location 'You're' not 'You' or 'You:' AnnaBananaHops 😂

China’s Tencent Music Entertainment Spooks Investors With Q2 ReportNew York-listed Tencent Music Entertainment (TME) share prices have dropped following the Monday release of the company’s unaudited second-quarter financial report — despite a 31% year-on-yea…

Carbon dioxide in atmosphere rose to levels planet hasn't seen in 800K years: ReportCarbon dioxide levels in Earth's atmosphere rose to levels the planet hasn't seen in 800,000 years in 2018, underscoring the impact of irreversible -- and increasing -- environmental damage due to human activity, according to a new federal report. This is not good no matter what you believe Oh good Lord, I just read about a period in history when Co2 was 800 times higher than now and it was an ice age, for crying out loud.

Report: Cowboys QB Prescott turns down $30million-per-year offerDak Prescott reportedly turned down $30 million a year from the Dallas Cowboys a... I turned down $15/hr once....I feel ya bruh..🤷‍♂️ He’s overrated BRUH!! 😧

State Department hiring freeze undermined safety and gutted morale, report findsThe State Department's 16-month-long hiring freeze had broad and negative impacts on the agency, including its ability to ensure the safety and wellbeing of personnel domestically and abroad, according to a report from the department's watchdog Vladimir Putin wouldn't have it any other way. Right realDonaldTrump?

Uber's stock just hit a new record low after last week's disastrous earnings reportShares plummeted last following a quarterly report that fell short of investor expectations last week. The sell-off continued through Monday. Uber I'm a Big Boy. If I couldn't weather the storm, I wouldn't have bought it. BOOM

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