Drawing from the results of a six-year study that carefully analyzed thousands of hours of your actions and conversations, the 220-page report concluded that your ideas and opinions far surpass those of the other 7.1 billion people on the planet in terms of substance, depth, and general importance to the world.
“Our findings also confirm that your insights on everything from politics to entertainment to social issues to religion are the most notable and well-thought-out,” continued Lerman, adding that your viewpoints roundly trump the countless competing beliefs offered by the rest of the world’s population. “You are, in short, the only person who matters. The rest of us do not matter.”
I wish people would stop telling us things we already know
God thinks about me every day. The Bible says so
I knew it!
I knew this will happen, daanmit! 🤔😁😂
😊
I know...
Wrong…
'I knew it,' said Zaphod Beebkebrox iykyk
Finally. Confirmation.
they meant me... sory but its just the way the cookie crumbled
That report was written by your mom!
Ayoooo nobody told me the Onion was run by sigmas now!!? Yooo the onions is run by sigmas now get tf outta town yo? Eyyyy the sigmas are they or they all yooo they the ligmas! Heyyy hahhahaha yo ligmas the sigmas yo Jason borne it’s Jesus Christ!
Sometimes the media reports on 'MENTAL NEW FINDINGS'
Written by me. Peer reviewed by myself and I.
This is how you know the report is not peer reviewed
Wow. I’ve got a LOT of people to disappoint😬
Well...that's just one opinion.
I know I am.
If that 'you' means everyone reading that, then I'm really not special ;)
I knew my mom wouldn’t lie to me about that
And my name is: Zaphod Beeblebrox.
I feel so affirmed.
We are all the protagonists of our own lives... unless you are a celebrity stalker.
I know! 🙀
That sounds correct
I know.
I KNEW IT!
I knew it!
- No, no, this whole thing, all of this... - ...it's all about me. [Walt telling Jesse why Mike took Jesse out on road trip in Shotgun] BreakingBad bb406
Why, thank you! 🤪😂
EVERYONE STOP READING THIS IT'S FOR ME!!!
i knew that
Fake news
nah
I haven't yet read the article, so I can't speak to it. I scrolled through the replies and can't believe no one's pointed it out yet: That's not the moon. Nice Easter Egg gag, Onion.
Not TheOnion tweeting at Elon Musk.
Obviously, but NASA is now confirming also more interesting than anyone on the nearest 50 humanoid planets!
I knew drinking 13 cups of coffee would pay off!
How do I send this to my mom?
Knew it.
Old news.
Fake News 👁️👄👁️
Duh
I knew it!
Not only am I the most interesting and important person on Earth, but I am also by far the most humble.
Going on my LinkedIn
💅💅💅💅💅
...Jesus christ, what the hell do the rest of you do all day?!
Oh. Well, then… we are in a bit of a pickle, aren’t we, humanity?
Can confirm, read this while taking a dump twittering.
Which is why I have hid in a undisclosed location for most of my life.
I told you, bird brain
And thus the universe, because we've never been anywhere other than here.
I KNEW IT!
No duh!
Finally, someone agrees with me.
i knew it
This might be the funniest part of the post honestly
I KNEW it! 😊
Like there was any doubt….
Thanks for the confidence boost, The Onion!
I knew it.
I knew it! Glad to see such a fine publication recognize it.
Who is Zaphod Beeblebrox in the Total Perspective Vortex?
You do realize this is nonsense? No one person is more important than another, nor would any study ever confirm that.
Yet another article totally bias to the reader
This report is flawed, because the 'you' it's addressing is everyone reading it. So nobody is special ;)
wait, why is everyone else replying happily? this is about me!
All of America: “I KNEW IT!”
mom dont lie
I effing knew it!
Fucking knew it
Snore
meh
Lot of pressure.
* takes celebratory selfie *
Bullshit no I'm not
I KNEW IT
Would have been the perfect place for a Rickroll...
I knew it!
Did Elon Musk pay you to write this? a little peptalk of a couple of billion* dollars? ( *= I mean, I hope you made him pay a billion for this pick-me-up)
Thanks for the update, Captain Obvious🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
So many flavors and you choose salty. Bad form jack. Bad form.
'Comedy'
Yessir
Not you, Elon
Finally I've been proven correct
I always had a feeling, but thanks for the confirmation. 😚
I did not authorize this report
I knew it!
Thank you.I'm honored to be me.
Lol as if
Checks out.
See…I told you
This is blatant misinformation. You should be ashamed.
duh
about time
You forgot my name. I fixed it. ✌️💜😈
Duh lol
This has got to be the most ridiculously false headline that the Onion has ever put out. It is laughable that anyone would think that I have redeeming qualities.
It's about damn time.
If you insist.
Fake news!
I knew that.
Hell, I don't need a 'report' to know that!
🗺️ 💙
😱😂
😏 don't tell Elon that shit 😑
i always knew it
THE LEGO MOVIE?!?!
I am going to weaponize this post
Told you so.
Even if the report was from 2014, I still thank you for the confidence boost, onion.
The Total Perspective Vortex says so
And..
JonnesTT thanks Earth
alt texts is NOT a way to do jokes.
Damn straight
JustDeclo
Well, it's about gaddam time.
I knew it! I'm the chosen one!
This post was ghostwritten by Emmett
Always have been.
please_go_easy unironically feels like something you would post
Glad they put so much research into this
Sample size: One, the wobbly-headed infant two tables over
i knew it all along! good to have proof!
It's about time!
I used to have this hanging on my office wall. An absolute favorite
Thanks master of the oblivious!
Prove It
Earth? More like Universe morons.
Sooooo many people on social media already believe this about themselves.
Aw, your sweet! Thanks. Buddy.
I knew it
I can guarantee this is not true.
Guilty 😔
Can I please get a copy of said report to hang on my fridge?
I am The Special? But my knees bend and my hands have individual fingers.
How much do you need?
Attention: every Stanford grad, ever.
How is this even possible tho when the Earth revolves around me?
😅😂🤣👏🤞✌️
Finally some recognition
Impossible! I'm reading this from an airplane you fools!
Oh no, that's bad news
There's no need to troll Trump like that..
Fake news.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I gotta hide some shit.
Of course I am, I was Time Magazine’s 2006 person of the year!
My mom always told me I was special…
youve come full circle since calling me shit
I gotta show this to my ex and prove she was wrong.
Thanks, I was wondering why I have over 60 followers on twitter.
lies
i know
Aw you guys 🥰
Every person is unique. Just like everyone else.
Duh
You bet your fuckin ass I am, now follow me.
I knew it!
I was beginning to have my doubts….
At last! The recognition I deserve
Why?
It's about time someone other than me recognized this fact about myself!
i always knew this
I thought that was kyrstensinema
Thanks
I feel, somehow, attacked...😹😹😹
HMortveit
then why can't I fly in private jets and armoured cars like politicians do
Don’t believe it,…
Everything does not exist in your mind does not exist.
Why thank you!
They shouldve fucking reported that a long time ago
Fake news
*passing the phone to my dog i think this is for you
God, I hope not...
I knew it all this time.
Finally, it’s official!
It is important to use the scientific method even if you are pretty sure something is true.
Been saying this for years. Vindicated
-- Ah, thanks. Saved me a trip to the Total Perspective Vortex.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I knew it!
Awww thanks 😊
* This study has not yet been peer reviewed.
Fake news
This shit just kept going. What a fucking read. You should read it because I said you should
aw :)
Thanks
Breaking news: WATER IS WET
Thanks, always knew I had it in me
GrandPsychosis But only when I’m drinking
Shit that's pretty sad ngl
Old news.
TideP0dKing this u?
😌
You are all figments of my imagination.
I really appreciate it, but I gotta give all the glory to the guy that really matters. Me.
Simply confirming something I've been saying all along.
Thanks!
My mom told me this when I was just a little kid. She has since rescinded that report.
I knew this, but I can't deny that I'm relieved to have the paperwork. Now get the fuck out of the way. solipsism
Finally!
At first, when reading the headline, it sounded warmly self-affirming. Then I read the article and realized it was just describing the majority of discourse on Twitter. ☹
I knew it!
I knew that already.
I knew all the rest of you were just NPCs
Just Earth?
Why aren’t you funny anymore? What happened?
I knew it
So they finally figured out how to measure all the dark matter views and likes my Twitter feed gets eh
Image taken moments before the start of Operation Meteor
*all the people worried about the IRS looking at their $600 transactions*
I knew it!
Love, Mom
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