New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

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WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets. “After months of hard work, we are so proud to debut our new ‘Dissociation’ tour, which will take Metallica all over the globe, from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, to Detention Site Green in Thailand, to the Dark prison in Kabul,” said CIA spokesperson Jenna Wellington adding that the concerts, which would feature live performances from James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, and Robert Trujillo, included custom, carefully constructed, repetitive set lists designed to inflict maximum psychological damage. “To kick things off, Metallica will play a private set for a group of terrorists accused of orchestrating an attack on an American airbase, and it will feature ‘Invisible Kid’ played 12,000 times in a row at a blaring 120 decibels. Also, the prisoners will be blindfolded and strapped upside down to a board, which will only make the band singing directly into their ears more intimate.” At press time, Wellington confirmed the program’s debut had been a success, and that inmates cracked before Hetfield was even done yelling “Guantanamo, how’s everyone doing tonight?”

 

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St anger 24/7, lars gets more buckets

These tactics are Unforgiven.

I want to be tortured like that.

Onion, I know you thought you made this up. It turns out that CIA tried playing death metal, but too many of the prisoners liked it, because it spoke to them. So instead they played the Barney theme. I promise this is true.

Yeah-ha!

Will the prisoners be given lighters so they can get an encore?

St. Torture

A 72 hour 90s style Metallica gig would involve a 4 hour bass solo, which is infinitely worse than anything threatened in your article...

One man's torture is another man's thrash metal pleasure.

like when the national played moma but with purpose

The talk about how piracy keeps them from buying another jet for 10 minutes between each song?

James Hetfield explained, 'After putting so many fans through S&M2, this seemed like the obvious progression.'

Stuff from St Anger, yes

What sort of information are they trying to get out of Metallica to warrant such torture?

Sounds kind of awesome, actually

I would rather play Ride the Lightning lol

Where can I buy some tickets?

enter the bandman.

It’s only suppose to be 72 hours? I’ve been dealing with it for well over a year.

Welcome to where time stands still No one leaves and never will.

metallica is bad

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