It’s 9pm, my kids are asleep, and I’m on the phone with Keira, a friend and former coworker in her mid-20s. Smart and funny with an old soul, Keira could technically be my daughter, a la. But when we found ourselves bonding over a love of comedian Ali Wong, or giggling over the hotness of actor Dev Patel, the years collapsed.
When I did manage to connect with old friends after months, sometimes years, of phone tag, I felt guarded, sensitive to judgment, and a desire to seem like I had everything under control. It’s not that my friends were critical or unkind; my discomfort derived largely from my own insecurities. If a friend mentioned how many sports her kids were in, I felt a pang of guilt.If a parent spoke of her screen time rules, I worried I wasn’t strict enough.
But with friends like Keira, the pressure was lifted. Because we weren’t subconsciously competing to be the better parent, I could speak freely about my highs and lows. Their empathetic reaction was often the one I needed most. It was a relief to have someone say, with genuine awe, “Wow, that really sucks that your kid puked in your bed.” Or, “Your day sounds really overwhelming.” I didn’t need a list of solutions or an even grosser anecdote to one-up mine; I needed someone to acknowledge me.
In exchange, I listened to their stories of new relationships and first apartments, bearing witness to their milestones and crossroads. Now that I was a parent, I found myself looking at the familiar experiences through new eyes. I used this modicum of enlightenment to give advice when I could, relieved to have made it through the gauntlet of young adulthood. Our age gap seemed to provide the distance needed to see each other more clearly.
For a long time, I was so fixated on the idea of finding mom friends that I didn’t fully appreciate the people who were showing up for me. The people who texted me back and returned my calls. Who met up for tacos and happy hour. Who let me cry and told me I was doing a good job. If they ever become parents, I’ll be here for them, the wizened aunty ready with tissues and wine.is a New York City-based writer, textile designer and mother of two.
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