Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit

According to sources onsite, technicians arrived at the lab’s secure vegetable isolation chamber at 8 a.m. to find the room’s armed guards lying dead on the floor next to what remained of Specimen 323-A’s 6-inch-thick tempered-glass container, which appeared to have been ruptured from the inside.

Officials would not confirm how many employees had been killed, but acknowledged the released tomato variety remained at large within the sprawling crop development facility. “We have suffered a Code 9 containment breach,” said head biotechnologist Stewart Klein, explaining that he had used a dedicated emergency line to contact Monsanto headquarters in St. Louis, which immediately sent back a directive ordering all laboratory personnel to shelter in place until further notice. “As of now, we’ve sealed off all stairwells below subbasement 12, but this hardy, disease-resistant tomato appears to have overridden all of our fail-safe backup protocols.

The rogue produce has since found its way into the facility’s germination module, according to reports, where it is believed to have consumed dozens of experimental fertilizers and a generous supply of mulch, possibly attempting to increase its size, strength, and shelf life.

In their desperate attempts to regain control of the escaped specimen, Monsanto officials told reporters they were trying to track down any surviving scientists from the ConAgra Disaster of 1994, in which a genetically modified variety of wild rice was inadvertently crossbred with a fast-growing form of sweet corn, with the resulting hybrid quickly bursting out of its greenhouse and overrunning a 3,000-acre stretch of central Nebraska, leaving 11 dead and causing more than $90 million in...

Did one the scientists look like this guy?

LMAO!

Attack!

The horror!!

Tomato tornado volcano.

Does anybody have Ripley's phone number? Asking for a friend.

Damn Frankenfood!

Thus it begins...

OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!! TOMATOES have escaped from Monsanto!! GOD SAVE US ALL!!! 🍅🍅🔪🍅🍅 🤣😅😆😅

🎶Puberty means Puberty Love🎶 🎶There's nothing wrong with Puberty Love🎶

Isn't that an appropriate end for those people making all those vegetables suffer!!! DieVegitariansDie

I guess the onion was envious of the tomato

This has GOT to be a joke! A killer tomato running wild in Monsantos halls. Give me a break!

Heirloom-21

Kudos on hiring autistic writers.

uhoh.

Я ТЕБЯ СМЕШАЮ СУКА

We were warned!

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