It’s Time for the Seltzer Bubble to Burst

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🎶Waterloo, Topo Chico, Perrier, Pellegrino Polar versus La Croix, Alta Palla, Bubly 🎶Fizzy water, colored cans, Spindrift, too many brands White Claw shortage, Bon & Viv, Recess full of CBD 🎶We didn't start the fire

. The seltzer cup truly runneth over, perhaps suggesting it’s time for the bubble to burst.

I say this not out of resentment for noble bubbly water: I’m a lifelong seltzer lover. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to drink sugary sodas like Coke or Sprite and so I’d mix juice with Klarbrunn or LaCroix and use my imagination to pretend my way out of sugar deprivation. As a teenager, my bedroom was littered with half-empty seltzer bottles that I’d guzzle at night while secretly listening to Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla onat the lowest possible volume.

But as any fable or morality play on getting what you ask for demonstrates, there’s danger in having your dreams fulfilled. As we turn from one decade to the other, the soda-water market has become too overwhelming and, dare I say, unnecessary. Because if you don’t have your favorite by now, you surely don’t like fizzy water all that much to begin with.

in which the young protagonist Francie, longing to attend school, imagines what it would be like. Smiththat Francie “wanted to drink from the school water fountains in the yard. The faucets were inverted and she thought that soda water came out instead of plain water.” Eventually she learns that there’s nothing special about school water after all, but still, what a sweet and humble fantasy.

 

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