I’ve always been under the impression that each decade of life gets easier.
I don’t even really know what my question is — this whole letter is a meandering mess, pretty much a verbal representation of the nonentity that is my personality right now. I guess I’m asking: When does it get better? How does it get better? How do you rediscover yourself? Or is this just life? Am I being an optimistic idiot to believe that there’s some means by which I can become “happy”?I understand how you feel and I’ve been there, believe me.
You hate yourself for landing here. You see yourself in everything around you, and you hate yourself for it. The hardest thing to be in L.A. is not a freak, but a conflicted, sad person who doesn’t realize how conflicted and sad she is. This whole town is either in therapy or talks like they’re therapists themselves. It’s grating, but if you lean way the fuck into it, you’ll figure out that a lot of the people around you are more interesting than they seem.
The somewhat paradoxical secret to feeling good in fake, cheerful L.A. is to be your genuine, honest, sad self. Most of the people I know here love honesty. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt, though — that’s true no matter where you are. When you’re trying really hard to make friends but behind your smile you’re skeptical, superior, or suspicious? People can tell.
Polit_eurOpines
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