I Loved Him; He Loved the Sound of His Own Voice

Ninety-two. That’s how many emails we sent to each other over the course of our eight-month relationship, all with links to articles we found interesting and wanted to share, hoping one of us would find something new to dissect into dust. Nathan and I connected through words; logic, for now, was where he lived. We met through a mutual friend—they were studying together in Jerusalem at a postgraduate Jewish philosophy program designed for people who didn’t grow up in an Orthodox environment.

You never knew she could be earnin’ her man, and learnin’ her man, and at the same time burnin’ her manThat night I told him that I believe eating non-kosher meat poisons a Jewish soul. His eyes glimmered. It felt like he was envious—that I was confident enough to articulate an extreme viewpoint on a first date, and that I was able to easily cling to the doctrines of a faith he was just beginning to explore.

Nathan and I were never the topic. We never spoke about each other. And so, I indulged him in his addiction to musings until I became one. We took turns crying, which then turned into sad kissing and an insistence on making each other “feel good.” As usual, he wore my gray Fire Island sweatshirt to bed. The next morning, he kept telling me how strong I was. I hated him for being right. He said he hoped his smell wouldn’t linger too long in the fabric of the sweatshirt.

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