I met Brian* as a freshman in high school in 2002. He had a wide gap between his two front teeth and deep dimples. His enthusiasm and curiosity were contagious. I loved him in the way of first loves, without any complications or true understanding of heartbreak.
We became each other’s fill-in significant other. We talked and texted nonstop. When he suffered from a debilitating bout of depression, I was by his side. A year after finishing graduate school in 2011, I moved to my home country, Pakistan. Still, we never went more than a few hours without talking, sharing every detail of our lives by phone. He’d call me before he fell asleep to tell me about the best parts of his day.
When I was seven, a section of my clitoris was cut off as part of a religious ritual of female genital mutilation. The cut should have been largely symbolic—I’ve been told by other women in my sect, the Dawoodi Bohra, that they are able to orgasm and enjoy sexual pleasure despite being cut in the same manner—but for me, it means that sex is physically painful; the ache shoots through to my teeth and down to the backs of my calves.
During my last visit with him in the U.S., all these revelations came to a head. We had a particularly grueling fight, and I suggested a break. We agreed I would take a month to explore why his new relationship made me feel panicky and unmoored rather than happy for him. The break stretched out from four weeks to months. There were days I was furious.
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