"Who has the right to access your body? To touch, probe, view images of your flesh? It is only flesh, after all. But it is also you.""Afterward, it felt like the photographer and I had had a regrettable one-night stand: She’d seen me naked, under bright lights, then stopped returning my emails."
When Jen and I moved in together, the framed photo hung on the wall of our too-small bedroom. It was huge, absurdly so, imposing itself over the bed like an awkward third in a three-way. We took it down every time the landlord came over to apply tape and chewing gum to whatever needed fixing in our overpriced Oakland shoebox.
The photographer I chose was proposed by a mutual friend. We’d never met before the shoot. She was a young, stylish woman with an equally hip shop in the heart of the Mission, the hipster district of San Francisco. When I arrived for my session, the photographer’s sexy boyfriend was there. I was nervous, though trying to play it cool, and the presence of this man did not help matters.
The tone had been set: I was going to be intensely uncomfortable and struggle to pretend I was not, just as I had on so many dance floors, on so many beds and exam tables. I watched the photos upload automatically onto her laptop in the corner, an uncontrollable stream. The final results would be edited, with a manufactured cloak of darkness to cover me. But in the originals, I’m lit up, exposed against a blank white background. I wasn’t prepared to see these images, not right there, in the moment. I began to critique my posture. I’ve taken plenty of nude selfies, but I was able to curate those to my advantage.
I had decided I was going to be OK with this, and so I stuck to that script, even as I saw the photo was too large, too much. I was too much.
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