How I Fight Internalized Ableism with Self-Kindness

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'Unfortunately, many times, the biggest ableist I encounter is myself.' — EmmaVrabel

As a visually impaired person, micro-dunking on ableists is my passion — and this passion unexpectedly intersected with my affinity for straw hats at the end of my freshman year at Harvard University. I was looking for a job and ended up impulsively signing up to be a Harvard tour guide, complete with a Crimson-wrapped sun hat. A standard enough side hustle for a full-time college student, but notable to some, considering my vision impairment.

But there's always someone I constantly have to convince of my own capabilities: myself. Because unfortunately, many times, the biggest ableist I encounter is myself. In truth, I'm none of those things. I'm a disabled person living in a largely inaccessible world — and I've actually been forced to become remarkably adaptive and resilient in order to function and thrive within it, traits common across much of the disabled community. But those deep-rooted insecurities, and the continued pangs of inadequacy I feel when faced with daily instances of inaccessibility, still challenge me.

For example, despite the fact that I'm completing courses at Harvard, even excelling in them, I still hear the voices of teachers I had in high school who implied teaching me was too much of a burden. I struggle with the feelings of self-doubt and shame that I learned back then, even though I'm no longer in that environment. Self-kindness is something that I've needed to learn how to cultivate entirely separately from any success or failure that might be happening in my life.

 

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