Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College

freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and?” said residence hall

mate Troy Lovell, who noted Kinnebeck already seemed feverish and short of breath as they pregamed in a fellow freshman’s dorm room. “We wouldn’t have even brought Riley with us to the Delta Sig party if we knew hthree seconds of his first keg stand before starting to wheeze. I was trying to talk to this girl, and

she was all like, ‘Is that really sick guy your friend?’ Then the ambulance totally killed the vibe, with the EMTs trying to get him conscious and all. I guess maybe don’t get coronavirus if you can’t handle it. What a bitch.” Student sources also contrasted the lightweight Kinnebeck’s humiliation with heroic exploits of fellow freshman Bryce Viello, who was powering through his coronavirus like a total fucking legend.

Source: Education Headlines (educationheadlines.net)

Way back when men where men the only ones that got sick were already dead.

Pussy

It kills all ages

Phi Beta Weiner

I help write a halfassed local Onion wannabe called The Poulsbonaut. I like to get drunk and wander through Onion replies blatantly begging for followers. Here's some dumb shit we posted just now. Thanks for considering us for your Twitter satire needs!

Shouldn’t have skipped leg day. Coulda outran it.

This one is a wee bit out of my comfort zone.

Please I took fists to face and kept walking. Bitch can't even handle a virus.

Probably got suspended for 4 games.

SamSheehan I thought this was a picture of you for another bit

Just tryin to get the full college experience before it closes. Gonna drink too much as soon as he gets out.

TAKE ALEVE ,IT HELPS ALOT

Oh my Gawddd! Bad onion!

This ain't no lightweight! This is a super heavyweight:

FRESHMEN-19

The joke is on the college that opens at all.

That's not right!

Twisted can bitch slap this wussy boy.

Too soon

A great way to get out of classes.

Never an excuse for missing football practice, bro.

Pussy

Holy shit lmao

Thank god, im afraid of fucking.

Yppp

Yp

UnmaskedAggies relevant

Onion, I'm disappointed. This picture really needs dicks drawn on this guy's face to make it believeable.

What a wuss. And what a breath of fresh air you are.

🤣

what a dweeb

In my day all freshmen were required to somehow get themselves hospitalized in the week before class started. Real men and women were we.

😂

Please donate or retweet.

Doesn’t even look like ICU...amateur

I fucking love these

Culling the scholastic herd.

GratefulKids Be like Bryce

Then he can forget about pledging the Omega Theta Pi house

This could be an actual realDonaldTrump tweet 🤦🏼‍♂️

callum_may

With the medical & college debt he's about to face. He'll wish he died.

JimBobKingman 😂

Thanks for carrying the torch that was lit by the Harvard Lampoon. Your courage to post he right stuff ant the wrong time is appreciated

heyheyitsmejohn _bethcab_ istalkdesi JessicaYepez88 toonaluna

what the brilliantly unstoppable writers from The Onion really mean by this is we should take good care of ourselves and other people ❤️

Totally on JV

What a puss.

LukeDeHahn 💀💀💀

Rookie

😂😂😂

So he got exposed to the virus 2 weeks before he showed up and it finally showed up right when he got to college...

profgalloway Germane to the ongoing conversation.

RedwineSigEp 😂😂😂

euanken

Well, look who's finally wearing a mask.

Kakkarotftw too true

I’m old enough to remember when The Onion was satire.

COVID-19 ? More like YOLO-19, amirite?

F

Absolutely Brilliant!

Too soon or too late?

chaddychoo

Agree. He lost to frickin' 19. I'd make up a better story using CoViD 1 or 2. But 19? That's like practice squad CoViD or something.

Lollll BenSotoKarass

deserves a Pulitzer

Partied a lil too hard

Dont worry

To the team running this site your slaying it😹

Brilliant

gatechkids haha get it pls someone save us

zoomers these days, smh. when I was a kid, if you got the plague, you died like a MAN.

Fuckin’ loser. Embarrassing.

I told him he needs to make sure he eats his veggies!

Yolo

Wow. Covid 19 has been around since 1993 and this guy is freaking out about it now. Terrible.

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