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First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring

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DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about operating clandestine child-molestation rings. “I would have loved to attend some roundtables on globalization or the future of trade, but it’s like 90% panels on running underage prostitutes,” said Issacson, adding that the first workshop he attended was led by a former FBI official who detailed ways in which illicit underground organizations can sell children into sexual slavery without alerting the authorities. “My entire day is filled with seminars on how to set up a shell corporation to launder money from the sex trade or how to reduce your carbon footprint when chartering a jet full of 12-year-old girls. I was hoping to learn about sustainable development strategies, but nope—just to pad out my schedule for the week, I had to sign up for a symposium on countries with loopholes in their laws allowing you to drink the blood of children during satanic rituals.” At press time, Issacson was reportedly sprinting back and forth between panels on “Pedophilia In The Global Economy” and “Human Trafficking In The #MeToo Era.”

 

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Wow

The Onion going to report next that its wet when it rains?

Goddamnit, you know some Q moron is gonna believe this lol

Did they open with a moment of silence for their beloved Jeffrey?

Does Jim Jordan have a booth there?

Dershowitz will be leading a seminar on lowering the age of consent.

Who's gonna get the first annual Jeffrey Epstein Award For Bipartisan Perversion?

RudyHavenstein propublica you were scooped

Yep, Bilderberg isn't what it used to be. Davos is the new child-molestation capital

RudyHavenstein I didn't know Rudy was writing for The Onion....

Hillary is watching..

Running out of headlines since the Orange Cheeto makes the parodies turn into reality?

gaslitnation

'I was hoping to learn about sustainable development strategies, but nope—just to pad out my schedule for the week, I had to sign up for a symposium on countries with loopholes in their laws allowing you to drink the blood of children during satanic rituals.”

Yeah, don't they usually save that for Bohemian Grove?

In Memoriam: Our Brother Jeff

When Alex Jones and The Onion agree... things have gotten pretty weird.

Well apparently one seminar is lent enough for some people. Looking at you Epstein

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