Experts Say Best Depression Treatment Remains Having Coal-Covered Street Urchins Sing About Dancing Troubles Away

📆 5/7/2021 11:47 AM
📰 TheOnion

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NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered street urchins sing a song about dancing your troubles away was still the best treatment for clinical depression. “In 90% of cases, the most successful intervention for major depressive disorder was having a young ragamuffin tap the subject on the shoulder and say, ‘Hold on, guv’nah—’ow is it you got a frown on this most splendiferous of days?’” said lead researcher Alfred Evans, describing how the moods of severely depressed individuals improved when a gang of dirt-caked, hardscrabble chimney sweeps and newsboys appeared one by one from nearby alleyways and started into a high-spirited, irresistible song-and-dance number. “Even the worst-off patients, those who exhibit no response to antidepressants or talk therapy, experienced decreased symptoms after exposure to the sprightly steps and carefree ditties of a chorus made up of 5- to 10-year-old orphans with names like Skimble Flintwich, Humsy Wumsy, and Lil’ Tom Wopsle. People who have suffered for decades from a sense of inherent worthlessness not only smiled as these impish ruffians in knee pants and suspenders performed a choreographed routine with their horsehair brooms, but actually joined in for the final rousing chorus of a tune called ‘Chin Up The Livelong Day!’ By the time these knockabout youngsters smeared boot-polish mustaches beneath their noses and mimicked a group of indignant businessmen, most cases of depression had been completely cured.” Evans hypothesized that the effectiveness of the treatment might stem from patients concluding that if these penniless guttersnipes were able to smile their way through the hard times, then, well, perhaps anyone could.

NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered stre

et urchins sing a song about dancing your troubles away was still the best treatment for clinical depression.

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jjjinvesting if the news frighten you: sounds not fitting, but helps to sing loudly the part of the brain normally handling fear is being blocked therefore you might feel slighty better! Come to the streets and sing: Give ☮️ a chance

What are they doing in the streets? Get them back to work! Breaker Boys are not dancers. Kids during the industrial revolution Breaker Boys, the most dangerous jobs.

We'll get there soon. In BidensAmerica, the MinimumWage doesn't apply to children. ImpeachBiden CancelStudentDebt MedicareForAll LivingWage LetsGoBrandon

Truth

I maintain about 11-12 of these little runty unwashed bastards near my 48,000 sq foot villa and often drop uneaten muffins on them from my Russian attack helicopter I won in a poker match. I keep them around to remind me of how lucky I am to have found $764M in unused charities.

Coal covered, but their hair is fabulous. How do they do it

Coal? Oh my god, the EPA would never approve of that. Won't anyone think of the children?

Since the beginning of Russia's aggression, 42 children have died and dozens more have been injured. Help us to protect Ukrainian civilians from Russian missiles - impose NATO No-Fly zone over Ukraine. StandWithUkraine StopPutinNOW CloseTheSky NoFlyZoneOverUkraine

Poor people are dirty - because poor people cannot read and buy soap - but they can make soap - and we not so poor people love to watch those soaps.

They suppress our cures... So we buy their 'medicine'....

'But Doctor...'

Brevity is...something

Children

🤣

How much coal per child should I be using? My kids are regular sized but I'm worried about how much will fall off when they dance...

Should they be covering themselves in Coal these days it's not very Eco friendly. Maybe if they lashed themselves to a Wind Turbine Blade instead. That would cheer me up, their little faces going Round and Round like the Circles that you find. In the Windmills of your Mind. . .

especially when Tim Burgess is one such urchin

I typically eat a five course meal while they watch. Cheers me up every time.

5:47 PM · 7 мая 2021 г.·Sprout Social

It's true! .... Don't wear a long face. It's never in style. Be optimistic. And smile!

bClickClack Maybe we can try this since Dr Owens is retiring

Charles Dickens = Failed mental health counselor

POTUS WhiteHouse WHY IS TAX DOLLARS OF REGULAR PEOPLE BEING USED TO PROTECT AMERICAN COMPANIES OVER SEAS BANKING!!!! REMOVE THAT PROTECTION AND WATCH THAT MONEY COME TO AMERICA TO BE TAXED. THE PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF OUR GOVERNMENT PROTECTING BIG BUSINESS 🤬🤬🤬🤬

yes we indeed say this,

When you're feeling blue, you can comfort yourself with the fact that you haven't spontaneously combusted like people used to do in the olde timey dayes.

JeffMacIsHere Well it IS a hard knock life, but someone's gotta do it.

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