Elephant Can’t Believe Poachers So Obsessed With Its Tusks When It Has Such A Nice Ass

📆 8/13/2020 4:45 PM
📰 TheOnion

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ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit, a local African elephant expressed disbelief Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine ass. “I understand these guys want to make a quick buck off my ivory, but my real moneymaker is this perfect dump-truck ass,” said the critically endangered 5-ton herbivore, observing that while it was not possible to make piano keys out of its buttocks, there was no music sweeter than the clapping of its ample, supple booty cheeks. “You want a hunting trophy? Look no farther than these exquisite hams I’m hauling around right here! You can get tusks from any two-bit walrus, but this is the only place you’re gonna find a juicy bubble butt so beautiful you can mount it on the wall of your study.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the elephant was trying to divert the poachers’ attention away from its tusks by backing its ass up into their faces.

Write Comment

Thanks , for making me check out an elephant's ass

can i work for the onion. i just. want to see your worker's brain....

Wtf?!

Man, TheOnionSucks

Thicc

When all the people at The Onion are male and watch too much porn.......... Do better

Ass decays. Ivory is forever.

she really do got cake

All those squats for nothing.

Yea u figured they could pimp it out.

Of course in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa. - Groucho Marx

Like i do believe it, its got a nice ass

Fuck poachers (and the systems of economic oppression and wealthy anti-intellectual pseudo-science obsessions) that fuel the poaching industry....directly into the sun.

Yo Babar looking kinda thicc

The elephant has recently been observed going up to the rhino and asking “is that your horn or are you excite to see me?”

Why are liberals so focused on the ass?

Tell that to the firm set of cheeks that decorate my mantelpiece

No legs that booty bought

Intern took over the account again.

Lol wut

Imagine the size of a maak elephants would have to wear...u could use it for a sleeping bag.

Don’t forget the junk in the trunk.

😜😂😂😂😂😂😂, bang

And she's been doing glute exercises too. Cmon not even an ef for effort? 😂

Elephant tits. That’s where it’s at.

He dummy thicc

How many on here looked at elephant ass in the pic after reading the headline ?

Indeed.

😂

🤣🤣🤣

Onion headlines lately

Tanyalgilbert

You missed a big opportunity to post this on WorldElephantDay yesterday. 🐘☺️ Also, elephants RULE!

Elephants have small tails

I feel like every single comment on every onion post is just ppl saying “they went to far this time” like just stop watching then

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