Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

📆 4/8/2020 2:59 PM
📰 TheOnion

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WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration received its first notification that a quartet of ghostly riders had barreled out of the endless night—auguring death, despair, and a great cataclysm upon the earth—but the president did not begin to take the threat seriously until mid-March,” said Douglas Reisenthaler of the nonpartisan Institute for Federal Policy, a co-author of the report compiled from interviews with sources who asked to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to discuss torrents of blood raining from the Oval Office ceiling and flooding the West Wing. “For 10 full weeks, during which the White House could have been using the vast resources at its disposal to prepare for the final battle between good and evil, officials instead chose to downplay the coming apocalypse, minimizing omens such as the sudden rupture of the moon, which unleashed the black, inky trail of crows that continues to circle the Washington Monument. How many countless souls could have been saved from the dark ravages of hell simply by alerting the public that a beast with seven heads and 10 horns had emerged from the sea?” Asked about the report, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany replied that the ominous sound of seven trumpets was being heard all the time, and no one could have known these were the seven trumpets that would herald the 1,000-year reign of Satan on earth.

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He didn’t ignore anything, he thought it was a G O T rerun.

Hello Mr Trump...Very confused...You were so busy with your RIG ELECTION which you did over 50 court cases costing US tax payer a lot of money and failed to show any proof/ evidence and had no time too focus on Covid2019....Now its peaking say 219k per night I last check

It’s coming..

yippie-i-oh, yippie-i-ay

FS! 🤣

Now that was more like the Onion of old. Clever and funny. 👍

GOPComplicitTraitors and death followed with him.

Pic unrelated. 👀

Bastards.

Even the skeleton horsemen were trying to gallop away from 2020.

GOP invoked these guys to accelerate the pandemic and keep Trump in office. It's just crazy enough--it might work.

That skeletal horsemen ate my dingo.

This is nonsense. There is no way they would have passed up the chance to give the horseman a lifetime federal judgeship.

We love the wild hunt, don't we folks? Great hunters, the best. We have the best hunters.

wouldnt be the first time. hate this country

This satire is too realistic lol

That's just a regular occurrence in California. TheOnionSucks

cameron_kasky NOT exactly true. The WICKED democrats are really trying heard aren't they? Not knowing exactly what your referring too - however, rest a sure: we have the answer and I know the debates will prove the WINNER for President Trump!

Metaphorical truth is all the The Onion can do now with the daily shit storm coming from the WH.

Not to worry. Only three.

davecgates

'If you put a quarter up his ass he waves you away like a single intern at a punch bowl.'

Trump looks like Jack Kennedy... Pence just looks 'jacked up'...

Pence appears to be on some good shit...

Steven Miller can ride? I thought he just turned into a bat

You guys at all concerned your headlines are looking more and more like reality this year?

Revelations? You would think his fans would had paid attention. Wait..........some might have enjoyed the news. Never mind.

Actually, it was pelosi.

I think Mike Pence is the real problem just look at him! I’m sure trump is just mikes puppet. Anyone who chooses to ignore something like this has no soul! blamemikepence

The Bay Area can confirm

ghostsolivagant They just thought it was Nancy.

The president wasn’t unduly alarmed at first since he regularly plays golf with Pestilence and War, while Death is a generous donor to his re-election campaign.

bronactitley

Probably thought it was Kellyanne and her hounds...

WaywardPlane 🤣🤣🤣

Defining moment 103,084.

And God said, Oops my bad, sent out the wrong horse of the apocalypse.

'Fake skeletal horseman!' Thank God I put tin foil under my MAGA hat to keep out the evil mind manipulating rays coming from The Onion!

😂😂😂

You guys have a tough time coming up with fictional stories worse than the truth. Keep trying, though. TrumpKnew

Not funny! People are dying. Hey your head in the game!!!

I’m outside my house in Berkeley, California scanning for the Horsemen as we speak

🤣🤣

Were they ... looking? 😉

trump murdered us.

This is even better bc it looks like this is news to Pence who's also reading this caption at this moment...

“The experts couldn’t agree. Some said there were four. Some said there were five. Or three. Were we supposed to do something with three?”

He hates dogs. I’m sure he hates horses too.

When better informed, we can better respond. Early on, I knew to listen to prominent & credible Medical Doctors & Scientists, over Trump. We all saw what happened when Trump had no experience holding office. There was no way I’d listen to him concerning an infectious disease.

Oh, so that's what the UFOs were!

Boring

Oh my, with such clear signs, they really should have known.

Sad part is he totally would ignore the 4 horsemen!🤣

HAY ! they forgot to order enough HAY those horse will not run far.. and they need to run.. AWAY

Pence added, 'we were looking for the four horsemen: preferably four sweaty naked men with raging muscles, the likes I have never fantasized about before.'

That's either Skull Knight or the Wild Hunt

Trump bans travel by skeleton horsemen and Democrats call him racist.

U.S.A.minister.Trump neue Wähl vider gewonnen trosdem krischlich no.SATANIS SATANIS NO KOMMEN U.S.A HEIJLICHE Kiristos.Amen

' We are going to have the best apocalypse, its going to be amazing '

bjonesbrown That's actually a decent picture of Trump.

wally_polischuk I thought The Onion was satire.

wally_polischuk Like I said Trump is the Antichrist and he's released the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Can you name them in his cabinet.

Shameful

Just sayin . . .

was there four

COVIDー19 COVID19 coronavirus pandemie pandemic Macron TrumpPandemic France USA since Jan. 24... Why did they not react earlier? Pourquoi ne pas avoir réagit plus tôt ?

The horsemen appeared the same day he killed Soleimani, he was in cahoots with them the entire time

Maybe he was suffering from residual eyesight damage feom staring at that Solar eclipse.

come and see

michellewither6 Pestilence is an angry bitch!

Alyciajoybadger

Couldn't be seen because of the usual stampede by people everywhere, everyday...Drovers riding drag, see nothing but dust...

I'm sure there are very fine people riding some of those horses.

Santa 🥺

This and the contained story have had me laughing all day. Thanks, I needed that.

NORAD mistook it for late Santa.

Typical! 😂

To be fair, they thought it was Steve Bannon with some friends.

God bless The Onion in these dark times!

Really, really grim humor! I like it.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

Dammit, the religious fanatics had one job....

No, the horsemen were urged on by Repubs & Dems.

At this point I can't tell if The Onion is being sarcastic or truthful.

It is a problem when TheOnion is most reliable source of information (sorry Onion)

The Wild Hunt

HORSEMAN HOAX!!!!

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