Congress Reaches $1.4 Trillion Spending Deal To Award Entire Budget To One Lucky American

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WASHINGTON—Praising bipartisan efforts that prevented a government shutdown ahead of the holiday season, Congress reportedly reached a $1.4 trillion spending deal Tuesday to award the entire budget to one lucky American. “This is going to provide a completely new life for a single and very, very fortunate American,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, explaining that anyone who pays taxes is eligible to win except for employees and family members of those working for the federal government. “We were happy to see both sides step up and make concessions, including the size of the novelty check, who will pull the balls from the raffle drum, and the decision to eliminate the Social Security and Medicare programs. Winners can spend the money on whatever they like, and have the choice between receiving a lump sum or annuity payments of a billion dollars over the next thousand years or so. Second and third place winners will receive a 10-speed bike and $10 Amazon gift certificate respectively.” At press time, sources confirmed that this is only the third time the U.S. government has held such a lottery, which is credited to creating both the Carnegie and Rockefeller fortunes.

 

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It'd be in better hands

Congratulations to eric trump?

hahaha I double read that headline before I realized it was the onion. hahaha

With all the fear being spread regarding “socialism”, this seems to be the direction to go!

Gimme gimme gimme

Me

American AF

wow totally a surprise jeff bezos won who would have thought

And the winner of that money will be found by a lottery, which will be won by a certain Mr. Rothschild, London.

If that includes the deficit, count me OUT!

Hilarious

The President will be drawing the name out the hat.

Is it Trump?

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