All Of Area Man’s Positive Qualities Stolen From Past Friends

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 1 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 4%
  • Publisher: 51%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

DALLAS, CO—Revealing that not a single favorable attribute had emerged organically from his own personality, all of area man Spencer Lindell’s positive qualities were stolen from past friends, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I legitimately don’t think there’s a single good characteristic Spencer has that he didn’t pluck straight from one of his much more likable friends,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Lester, pointing out that Lindell had no interest in baking or running marathons until he noticed his popular junior year roommate partaking in such activities. “Everything from his haircut to his love of ’80s synth pop to his sense of humor to his charming mannerisms and taste in movies can be directly traced back to someone else he used to know. Honestly, I’m convinced he’s just a roaring void that’s plastered over with these affectations to give the illusion of personhood. He’s just an empty vessel for other people’s better, more interesting traits.” At press time, it was confirmed that all of Lindell’s negative qualities, however, were totally his own.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

Fortunately enough I've been lucky enough to not have any friends to steal qualities from. Au natural baby

This is too real, yuck 🤢

woAH THIS ISN'T THE SAME AREA MAN AS GREG FLEMMINGS

Which begs the more important question, from whom did he steal the negative ones from?

So he's Elizabeth Warren

I do the same thing with character flaws

Negative ones from exes

I once dated and emotional vampire that suffered from emotional dyslexia. The relationship went from bad to good and then we became bored and broke up...it was for the better.

He looks married. Poor soul.

‘One of us! One of us!’

Tell him I said, “heyy”

He still denies climate change though 🤨

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in US

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Man who stole $88,000 from bank vault caught after flashing stacks of bills on social media, FBI saysFederal investigators have arrested a man who allegedly stole $88,000 from a bank vault after the suspect posted photos of stolen stacks of bills online. Bernie voters strike again Criminals a dumb. Isn't that like returning to the scene of the crime?
Source: ABC - 🏆 471. / 51 Read more »

Caroline Flack 'positive' she'll host Love Island and charges will be droppedExclusive: A friend of Caroline Flack's has told Mirror Online that the Love Island host is 'remaining positive' she'll be back on TV screens by January
Source: Mirror Celeb - 🏆 476. / 51 Read more »

Man arrested for robbing bank after posting photos with stolen $88,000Prosecutors say that he removed money from the vault on at least 18 separate occasions, starting with relatively small sums but quickly escalating to thousands of dollars at a time. Another trumper genius? victory1261 If only he had the pardon power.
Source: Newsweek - 🏆 468. / 52 Read more »

10 Red Flags Chefs Look for When Dining Out, According to RedditThe parking lot and soda fountain can be two clear signs of a restaurant's quality. You Zavala’s you self “Chef” Only in America when you takes you Wife out for her Brithday ! When you get to the Rest, ALl WHAT YOU GET IS Per-Cook” 1) the food is “per-Cook” 2) it per-Cook food is “old” 3) the “Sweet” is “old” al so 4) the food is so “$ high $” 5) Why Eomans & M foods_HQ The 'fish on Sunday is about to spoil' is just ridiculous. It's not the 1990's anymore, suppliers routinely deliver 6 days a week nowadays. Add filthy restrooms, restroom sinks with no hot water, nasty tables & floors, staff too willing to hold conversations with some customers/other staff while ignoring other customers The food can't make up for poor service. They are cemented together!
Source: foodandwine - 🏆 366. / 59 Read more »

Trump defeats Democratic rivals, support for impeachment and removal drops in new national pollsAs an impeachment vote looms, President Trump has gotten positive news from two polls. So, the game isn't over yet!! Not entirely unexpected after Boris Johnson's victory in the U.K. You aren’t a news source. Democrats must learn to sustain outrage. Can't say Trump's a threat to national security, then toss a couple of articles of impeachment & go on with your life. If you can't show persevering conviction. No one will follow you. GOPTraitors CowardlyDemocrats
Source: Newsweek - 🏆 468. / 52 Read more »

41 Sides that are Worthy of Pork Crown RoastYou’ve got your roast recipe. Now you just need some sides.
Source: epicurious - 🏆 114. / 63 Read more »