Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds

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DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels doing today?” Yarnold said to the mass avian gathering, scattering a pail of breadcrumbs to the 700,000 ruby-throated hummingbirds squawking on the attic’s floorboards before putting a sunflower seed in his teeth and feeding it to one of the 3 million goldfinches nesting in the rafters. “It’s so nice to have you all to myself. And here’s a little treat of herring for Mr. Pebbles the Pelican. And some shrimp for Miss Flamingo. Oh, my goodness, you’re all in such a happy mood. Come over here, Sherbet O’Donahue! Let me stroke your gorgeous feathers.” At press time, an additional 50 million seagulls, kingfishers, and mallards had reportedly vanished after Yarnold jury-rigged garden hoses to run up his stairs to his attic to fill up several thousand kiddie pools.

 

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Actually me

THEM DOITY BOIDS

fionnualatiel If it were only true...

And He Spends The Rest Of The Day On Shoveling Duty

My little dinosaurs!

This explains where they all went!!! 😃

I KNEW it!

Interesting enough his name is Alfred.

Feeding or No Feeding Birds Want Nee Year Resolution From Him..To Be A Vegetarian First newyorker nyt cnni bbcworld NatGeo ndtv dna

He also put out a book titled “101 Ways to Cook Poultry.”

B I R D S

He should sell those owl pellets. They're pretty interesting...can you even sell those? Can you mail them? I just gave myself my research topic for this evening.

As the prophecy foretold...

If only

wtf how dare he feed seed to a penguin

There's only one Audubon Society and President joke I want from the Onion dammit. ObamaFeud

I saw one.

Well I guess that explains the white stain on his jacket..

He is still wanted by authorities for questioning in the cases of 2.9 billion missing birds...

Wow, I admire his determination.

Macaws are the pigeons of tropical birds.

List of things that are never funny, no matter the circumstances. 1. Holocaust jokes

Until I see a woodpecker, blue-footed booby, or red-breasted nuthatch, I call bullshit.

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