‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus,’ Thinks Devin Nunes Filing Lawsuit Against Mocking Twitter Accounts

📆 10/9/2019 5:59 PM
📰 TheOnion

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WASHINGTON—Privately expressing his relief that the situation was better than it could have been, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) reportedly took a moment Wednesday to reflect that at least the Twitter users he was suing for mocking him didn’t know about his leaking, prolapsed anus. “These people were really mean to me when they were just critiquing my public statements and voting record, so I can just imagine the sort of field day they’d be having if they found out that my rectum is telescoped out past my anus, resulting in a constant flow of fecal matter dribbling down my leg at all times,” thought the congressman, acknowledging that if social media users discovered that he had previously worn a diaper but had stopped because it only ended up overflowing in a matter of hours, he’d likely never hear the end of it. “To be honest, I’m also pretty fortunate that no one has sussed out the fact that the only way for me to achieve sexual satisfaction is to ejaculate into a bowl of clam chowder and feed it to an unwitting victim while filming the whole thing. That would be mighty embarrassing, to say nothing of me owning the country’s largest collection of frozen condoms full of shit. And the worst part is, I’d have no legal standing to sue if any of this came out since all of this is 100% the God’s honest truth.” At press time, Nunes had decided to cheer himself up about his tapeworm-infested scrotum by buying himself a new child bride.

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DevinNunes His face reads, I hope there’s a restroom nearby.

DevinNunes Perhaps Devin might ask Donald Trump for an ass transplant, Nunes' being so thin & vulnerable, while Trump's is so spacious & spankable.

DevinNunes DevinCow

DevinNunes Is that really true? Wow, poor guy. LOL.

DevinNunes Damn, this is high level stuff, brilliant!

DevinNunes Laugh out loud funny!!!!

DevinNunes Jeez guys. I mean, dont stop, but ...jeez.

DevinNunes

DevinNunes Lol you guys are wild 😜

DevinNunes I'm the Democrat running against Devin Nunes. My opponent has dedicated his time to suing fake internet cows and people exercising their first amendment rights. He must be removed from office. Can you help us defeat Devin?

AdamParkhomenko DevinNunes Devin Nunes is such a baby.

AdamParkhomenko DevinNunes Oops! 😆😆

AdamParkhomenko DevinNunes Admittedly it's good to study history, but this is from last year.

DevinNunes His butt cheeks are open and Devin is mopin' analgate

DevinNunes That’s a bit much, but he deserves it. The Onion can expect a lawsuit where these words will be repeated again and again.

DevinNunes

DevinNunes You are supposed to be a satire news outlet, for God’s sake stop printing actual stories that are true! Also, Moo! 🐄

DevinNunes Yawn. More hilarious corporate comedy pushing propaganda.

DevinNunes Deviner Numbchukes & his paramour Miss Lindsay are quite the paire de trollops.

DevinNunes realestanney

DevinNunes So that’s why he’s so concerned about “government leaks”

AdamParkhomenko DevinNunes Diapers for all my friends! LOL.

DevinNunes

AdamParkhomenko DevinNunes Oh, hey DevinCow !

DevinNunes DevinCow kikirusty nunes_goat

DevinNunes

DevinNunes Couldn’t even control his own cow ....

DevinNunes This is agressive

DevinNunes Now do Obama

DevinNunes This is literally the worst way to respond to trolls.

DevinNunes - Andrew Gillum, actually AndrewGillum

DevinNunes Yeah that dude needs to lay down a towel everywhere he goes, it’s bad

DevinNunes His cow will love this

You know... I heard that DevinHasALeakingAnus because his only food staple is this:

I remember when he was probed by Aliens, they couldn't find the correct size probe and decided to use the King Kong Skull Island version.....

Too far, Onion

thank you the onion

There needs to be a Congressional probe into DevinNunes anus to find out if DevinHasALeakingAnus . For the sake of our democracy!

Didn't know but not surprised

I contacted Eric the Midget last night through my Quija board and he told me that his “ Anus had been pounded for hours by wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow “ and that girls in purgatory “ Weren’t cute at all” he may be dead but he still loves POON! Salute to you my little friend !!!

DevinHasALeakingAnus

I just gagged

Lawsuit coming!

*narrator’s voice* “They do.”

DevinCow

Tick tock

DevinNunesAnusGate

DevinCow

DevinHasALeakingAnus

DevinNunes This is the face of a man who is realizing that no matter what the outcome of his trial, he will forever be known as the fool who is suing a fake cow for hurting his feewings by making fun of him.

DevinNunes Nunes has big Santorum energy.

DevinNunes DevinNunes is such a joke.

DevinNunes Lol. The imagery is unpalatable.

DevinNunes This is the proper tactic in dealing with this shithead

DevinNunes I guess you could say Devin Nunes is a lot like China with Hong Kong.

DevinNunes You guys, don't tell everyone I leak. It's embarrassing! ImTheWhiteHouseLeaker

DevinNunes WE KNOW NOW!!! PREPARE TO GET TOTALLY REEMED!!!!

JoshuaHol DevinNunes Wow! Real hardcore 'quote' You might be a-going to twitter jail!

DevinNunes LoL DevinHasALeakingAnus

DevinNunes I love this part of Twitter so much right now

DevinNunes I heard DevinHasALeakingAnus so I just came here to make sure what I heard about DevinHasALeakingAnus is true. And sure enough it’s confirmed that DevinHasALeakingAnus.

DevinNunes

DevinNunes People need to stop retweeting DevinHasALeakingAnus There’s no need to start trending DevinHasALeakingAnus It’s a tragedy and a private matter. So please leave DevinHasALeakingAnus alone.

DevinNunes DevinNunes wanted me to tell you he thinks you're mean.

DevinNunes Are you guys trying to be more edgy now that TheBabylonBee has surpassed you in producing quality satire?

DevinNunes Priceless!

DevinNunes KCPForPrez elfishpresleyy

devinnunessucks DevinNunes RepDevinNunes

DevinNunes

DevinNunes I hope there will be more updates on Devin's diaper delirium soon

DevinNunes ROFLMAO DevinNunes

DevinNunes Whoa. How now brown cow?

DevinNunes They do know, they were just being nice

DevinNunes The weirdest part about the clam chowder bit is that it is Manhattan Clam Chowder. Someone’s going to find out since the color’s all wrong. Right RepDevinNunes?

DevinNunes

DevinNunes oh man the discovery in whatever idiot lawsuit this moron brings against the onion is going to be disgusting

DevinNunes DISGUSTED in DevinNunes’s “gutter politics.”

DevinNunes Don't worry Devin, they'll never find out.

DevinNunes not your best work tbh

DevinNunes Dudes. The TDS is showing a little. Not cool.

DevinNunes Haha did you see this one DevinNunes? How is your cow doing?

DevinNunes You need to go.

coton_luver DevinNunes Pretty sure we can smell that one

DevinNunes Go get him The Onion! Keep it up.

DevinNunes Hysterical. Love the way it builds.

DevinNunes Try harder, Onion.

DevinNunes Just “wow”

DevinNunes

DevinNunes 😂❤️😂❤️😂❤️😂❤️

DevinNunes Make sure you tag DevinNunes

DevinNunes Jesus Christ... lmao

DevinNunes Jesus

DevinNunes 😂😂😂😂 probably all true regardless

DevinNunes

DevinNunes This is a good one.

DevinNunes Was he on Fox earlier?

DevinNunes

DevinCow DevinNunes Prolapsed anus? If only Devin were that interesting.

DevinCow DevinNunes Uh oh, sounds like free speech fan, DevinNunes is about to open a new lawsuit. Satire is obviously libel- public figures need protection 😭💔

DevinNunes Lmao

Mobute DevinNunes onion is not playing around.

DevinNunes Every sentence of this article is hilarious: “he owns the largest collection of frozen condoms full of shit.”

DevinNunes Here for this.

ca11mebucknasty DevinNunes Moooving article.

DevinNunes who cares it’s the onion. 🤣🤣

DevinNunes Thank you, onion. I needed this today! 😂

DevinNunes

AndyRichter DevinNunes BREAKING: Devin Nunes to sue for using an unauthorized photo of his leaking, prolapsed anus.

DevinNunes 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂BRILLIANT!!!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

AndyRichter DevinNunes

AndyRichter DevinNunes I’ve been wondering why his nickname is Wizard Sleeve

AndyRichter DevinNunes Watch him sue his doctor now for HIPPA violation directly due to this article. Just because keeps publishing things that turn into real news.

DevinNunes The bloating in his ugly face is from all that constipation thinking about his future prison terms.

DevinNunes Prolapsed anuses are better than amateurlapsed.

DevinNunes Thank you for this.

omg😆 DevinCow

DevinNunes ‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus’ - of course we knew it’s written all over his face.

DevinNunes 'D'oh! Did I say that out loud again?' Yeah, Devin, ya did...

DevinNunes Hahaha!

DevinNunes What does his wife have to do with this?

DevinNunes Lawsuit in 3... 2...1...

DevinNunes Aww DevinCow

DevinNunes

DevinNunes you guys used to be funny

DevinNunes Moo

DevinNunes theScantman

DevinNunes Same thing happens to me. After too many onions.

DevinNunes Tis wicked to mock the afflicted.

Ha ha ha that is epic about DevinNunes

DevinNunes DevinCow re-BUTT-al?

DevinNunes I'd rather never think about this again

DevinNunes I love stories that mock Devin Nunes!

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