Advice | Carolyn Hax: Sober friend bothered by drinkers’ ‘backhanded’ support

My primary friend group contains drinkers with a capital D. And I get it; I used to be that, too. Now I don’t go to as many gatherings, but I go to some and I bring my seltzers and hang out and laugh with everyone. I honestly don’t notice the alcohol; I don’t judge or condemn … I used to be one of them!

My issue is as follows: Sometimes, a friend will pull me aside in a group and tell me they really admire me for being sober. I remain very neutral every time this happens; I don’t preach or make a big deal of it. They’re the ones who bring it up. But they ALWAYS end the convo with: “It’s great you can do it. I NEVER could, but good for you.”It just kind of stings. Not that I want everyone to be sober.

One good thing about my sobriety is that it has really mellowed me out and made me not very reactionary, so that’s cool. I know I’ll never snap when this happens, but it’s sort of driving me crazy inside.Eh. They’re talking about themselves, not you. I realize the effect is to feel as if they’re “othering” you, and it’s not a warm-fuzzy moment. I won’t minimize that.

from a few weeks back, when one poster observed that the comments he got were from people using his baldness to deal with their own fears or issues with baldness — I’m paraphrasing badly — and also of something I was told many years ago, that 95 percent of what we do is projection. But why not say a version of what you’ve said here: not only that it bugs you, but also that you’re just here, living your life, not asking for any sort of praise and not rendering any form of judgment?Works for me, thanks. No one likes to be judged, but it’s the worst when we’re judging ourselves.

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