Things You Only Know If You’ve Been In Lockdown With An Eating Disorder

can ‘recover’ – put on weight, stop exercising as religiously, curb the excessive calorie-counting – during desperate times, the urge to fall back into those negative habits is a compulsion you battle with almost every day. And, during this pandemic, it’s been easy to see how eating disorders can resurface.

I’m 29 now, and my problems with eating started when I was just 12 – possibly even younger, if I think about it. For over 12 years, I woke up every day filled with dread and the pressure to not ‘give in’ to food. Food was the enemy and, sooner or later, I’d succumb to it, of course. I’d eat so fast, out of hunger and anxiety, that I could barely breathe.

To anyone who has never experienced an eating disorder, it must seem insane that someone would want to punish themselves like this. But when you’re ill, there’s a voice in your head that rationalises your behaviour, distorting what you see in the mirror and making you feel grotesque. I can only describe this voice as an abusive partner, except the abusive partner is you. It’s a demon that tells you how pathetic and worthless you are, every moment of every day.

To say my life was exhausting is an understatement. Sleep was the only time I felt at peace, and I’m sad to admit that there were days I’d wish I was dead to stop the constant flow of awful comments clogging my brain.I’ve never had a problem with alcohol, although I can imagine the principles of addiction in isolation remain the same: finding the strength to ignore triggers around you.

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