How To Spot The Signs Of Gaslighting In Your Relationship

While gaslighting within intimate relationships has become a crime under coercive control legislation – and the term was listed among Oxford Dictionaries’ “words of the year” in 2018 as awareness grew – there is still a long way to go in terms of recognising this form of abuse, and understanding its insidious effects.

“In the beginning of the relationship, the gaslighter comes on very strong, and may ask you to move in with them within the first few dates,” explains Dr Sarkis. “This is called ‘lovebombing’. You are put on a pedestal or idealised, and it can feel really good. But once the gaslighter knows they have you locked into a relationship, you are then devalued, and the abuse begins. Victims feel that they must have done something to cause the gaslighter to turn on them.

It can extend to the gaslighter “pitting you against your friends and family, telling you that they are ‘bad influences’,” says Dr Sarkis. “The gaslighter may lie to you and tell you that a beloved family member spoke poorly about you. The gaslighter does this so he or she can isolate you from the people that provide you with support.” And the abuse can have a “slow ramp-up”, she explains, going from critical comments to eventually cutting the victim off from their support systems.

Sarkis continues: “The gaslighter may chronically cheat, but will constantly accuse the victim of cheating . If the victim confronts the gaslighter about their behaviour, the gaslighter will quickly divert the discussion through blaming the victim, and may ‘stonewall’ or ignore the victim as ‘punishment’.”

Take note: “Many times the increase of emotional abuse is so slow and insidious that victims are not aware of how destructive the relationship has become,” says Dr Sarkis, “and many blame themselves, as that is what the gaslighter wants the victim to believe.”

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It doesn’t have to be a boyfriend. If you are a female athlete and your coach or a even a family friend is showing these same gas-lighting techniques or separating you from teammates or your parents, then contact the proper authorities and tell a trusted friend what is going on.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your by Dr. Robin Stern is a great book. She is a real expert.

'There are some Gaslighters, such as Narcissists, that have ‘Ego-Syntonic’ Personalities. This means that they think everyone else has a problem, and they are fine.This type of Gaslighter rarely seeks help in therapy, and continues with their maladaptive behaviour. Blaming others

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