My father had dementia, and I was his caregiver. Here’s what I wish I had known | Cynthia Dearborn

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When Cynthia Dearborn became her 75-year-old father’s caregiver, she knew little about what lay ahead. Two decades on, she shares the insights that helped her help him

‘My father had no awareness that he had dementia, and adamantly refused my attempts to help him’ … Cynthia Dearborn and her father Russell.

‘My father had no awareness that he had dementia, and adamantly refused my attempts to help him’ … Cynthia Dearborn and her father Russell.Whenbecame her 75-year-old father’s caregiver, she knew little about what lay ahead. Two decades on, she shares the insights that helped her help himn 2007, I was suddenly plunged into the role of caregiver for my then 75-year-old father, who had vascular dementia. His short-term memory was severely impaired, as were his judgment and reasoning skills.

While everyone’s situation is different, and every individual unique, here are six insights that helped me help my father.My stepmother never could understand, or accept, that there were things her husband could no longer do. She’d get frustrated and angry with him for forgetting things and misplacing items. When she fell gravely ill, her son was upset that my father expressed no sympathy, though my father lacked the cognitive capacity to grasp that his wife was sick.

In my case, it was essential to take breaks from my father’s company, given his endlessly repetitive conversation, as well as the emotional toll of watching his cognitive decline. Just an hour or two spent on my own or with a friend could do wonders to refresh my flagging mental state. In fact, if I had to do it all again, the one thing I would do differently is take better care of myself. I was so focused on my father’s care that I badly neglected my own.

Looking after someone whose mind no longer functions as it once did can be rewarding – my father and I shared plenty of tender moments of connection. It can also be enormously challenging – practically, emotionally, financially, legally. Addressing these challenges on a broader scale will require the political will, and a groundswell of public support, for the funding of quality dementia research, education, prevention, and care.

 

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