I have three adult children. We all recently enjoyed dinner at a restaurant. When the bill arrived, they all looked at me. At what age does it become acceptable for your adult children to contribute to – or even settle – a restaurant bill?My parents would say no age is acceptable. Any time the Katzes go out for a meal and one of us Katz kids tries to pay, it gets violent. There will be blood.
But the damage is done now. Your husband has started reading the book he can’t wait for you to finish, so you’ve got to find a way of turning a solo activity into a couple pursuit. I suppose you could read the book out loud to him, making sure your performance is well-paced and gripping, with Cate Blanchett-level accent work.
But if your husband is anything like me, romantic gestures come along maybe once in a lifetime. So I say, just go along with it and fill his heart with joy, raise his spirits high and hope that he dies first. Then sell your burial plot to a random stranger and let someone else spend the rest of eternity sleeping next to your husband, elbowing away his bony, gropey hand.
Ideally, the snack table at a blood-donation centre would be a bucket of raw organ meat and a bowl of iron filings. But you were right not to dob in this donor. Blood is one of the most valuable commodities on the planet, worth several hundred dollars a litre and, unlike KitKats, there’s never a two-for-one deal at the supermarket.
Otherwise, embrace your length-sliced bread. Make very long club sandwiches, about the size of an actual nightclub. Toast up some “toast-slabs” using your dedicated slab-toaster, also known as an “oven”. Whip up some “grilled cheese planks” in a backyard blacksmithing forge. Who knows?
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