To some you were only ever a collection of “abnormal chromosomes”, but to me, you were my baby.The instant I saw the second pink line crawl up the white plastic window of the pregnancy test, my heart surged, then swelled to fit a space especially for you.I pictured your entire life. I felt your pillowy rose cheeks gently indent as I stroked your face. I dreamt up your room, and I saw you in it giggling as I brushed your hair. You had a future.
I always thought it happened fast. A heavy bleed and it’s over. I lost you over one long torturous week. Fear and confusion made way for hope that was replaced with resignation, over and over and over again.I admitted you were gone when the waves of excruciation began. It felt like birth but it was death. It looked like murder. I howled.
My love didn’t disappear with you into another dimension. It’s still here, earth-side, yearning to be requited. Gnawing and clawing inside me. Searching and searching. Miscarriage is spoken in whispers, often tinged with shame, compounding the loneliness. It’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on Friday, which aims to end the silence and give gravitas to the grief.
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