SATIRE: Lord, hear our prayers for dear Msholozi, ‘Sho’t Left’ Mbalula and Malindi, our most fearless Woman Warrior

Attentive readers of the news will have noticed that a week or two ago most of the provincial government and that of the City of Durban went to Nkandla to have a prayer meeting with former president Jacob Zuma.

It’s all in isiZulu and because mlungus like me don’t understand the heavenly language, we had it transcribed by the Pan South African Language Board, then translated into English by Professor of Classical and Biblical Zulu at the University of KZN, Gingindlovu, Dingane Mpe. “So, Lord, yes, you have managed to fend off the forces of darkness for a few decades, but if you could perhaps rain down some fire and brimstone on the CIA, thus taking them out of the picture, that would be truly wonderful… No CIA, no trial! The charges against our glorious former leader obviously disappear, so that is our prayer…

“We must have his view on who will be most useful to the faction of which he is the shining figurehead. We asked him who, at this painful moment in South African history, he believes should be prayed for, and to that end we made a small donation to his Holy God Prosperity Blood of the Lamb Church & Funeral Parlour.

“Our dear minister of taxis is also the minister of trucks, especially delivery trucks, so he has to cut a deal with them…

They asked Jacob to for help, they listened and did what he asked to do. But now the Shit has now hit the fan. They all believed in this Russia, KGB, Putin conspiracies theories and poisonings always on the Agenda. Meanwhile Zuma just ate to much walky talky's and Chakalaka.

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