SATIRE: Lord, hear our prayers for dear Msholozi, ‘Sho’t Left’ Mbalula and Malindi, our most fearless Woman Warrior

2022/06/27 22:10:00

One wonders what our elected officials asked for when they met Jacob Zuma at Nkandla recently for a prayer meeting – good health (but not too good) for the nation’s great leader? Here’s a (secret) transcription…

One wonders what our elected officials asked for when they met Jacob Zuma at Nkandla recently for a prayer meeting – good health (but not too good) for the nation’s great leader? Here’s a (secret) transcription…

One wonders what our elected officials asked for when they met Jacob Zuma at Nkandla recently for a prayer meeting – good health (but not too good) for the nation’s great leader? Here’s a (secret) transcription…

It’s all in isiZulu and because mlungus like me don’t understand the heavenly language, we had it transcribed by the Pan South African Language Board, then translated into English by Professor of Classical and Biblical Zulu at the University of KZN, Gingindlovu, Dingane Mpe. (Ellipses below represent passages unintelligible even to Prof Mpe.)

More satire inPraise the Lord and pass the algorithm – the day I learnt that not every computer program has special plans for me“So, Lord, yes, you have managed to fend off the forces of darkness for a few decades, but if you could perhaps rain down some fire and brimstone on the CIA, thus taking them out of the picture, that would be truly wonderful… No CIA, no trial! The charges against our glorious former leader obviously disappear, so that is our prayer…

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Attentive readers of the news (especially those in KwaZulu-Natal nervously expecting the next gang of looters arriving to clear out the supermarkets) will have noticed that a week or two ago most of the provincial government and that of the City of Durban went to Nkandla to have a prayer meeting with former president Jacob Zuma.Mzwanele Manyi, spokesperson for the Jacob Zuma Foundation, told a media briefing in Sandton yesterday that the findings by the state capture commission, chaired by Chief Justice Raymond Zondo, were not based on any “concrete” evidence.The Proteas women’s team have excelled in the shorter versions of the game – reaching the semifinal stage of the recent 50-over World Cup and of the T20I World Cup.One dead, three wounded in Montreal stabbings Share Subscribers can listen to this article One man was left dead and three people were sent to hospital after a stabbing incident.

Clearly the ANC in KZN desperately needs to keep Zuma going, to maintain his profile as the paramount chief of looters. Until the provincial conference at least. Thereafter you will be billed R75 per month. So we checked out a recording of the prayers prayed at Nkandla that day, provided to us by a rogue Crime Intelligence agent. “It’s amazing how well they are doing when you consider the number of games they are playing compared with their counterparts overseas,” Cricket South Africa CEO Pholetsi Moseki told Daily Maverick . Well, they’re all rogue, but this one is particularly needy because those billion-rand slush funds have dried up and the only way to make a living is to sell whatever information they can acquire to the highest bidder.. We bought it for R4. The suspect was arrested at the scene, said police.

50. Andrie Steyn scored a second-innings half-century. It’s all in isiZulu and because mlungus like me don’t understand the heavenly language, we had it transcribed by the Pan South African Language Board, then translated into English by Professor of Classical and Biblical Zulu at the University of KZN, Gingindlovu, Dingane Mpe. (Ellipses below represent passages unintelligible even to Prof Mpe.) Reading that transcription and translation, we were especially impressed by the contribution of one Very Reverend Josias Makwagubelegubele, whose prayer for the former president, current jailbird and patron saint of the destruction of democratic institutions we found very moving. The bowlers have adapted much better; it’s looking good,” said Moreeng. It went, in part, like this: “Oh Lord, most high and powerful master of all, we beg you to protect our great leader and moral compass Jacob Zuma, as he fights courageously against ever having his day in court. Journalism strengthens democracy.

We ask that you strengthen his arms, and possibly his feet, in this battle, which has been going on since about 2004, on and off… More satire in Daily Maverick : “ Praise the Lord and pass the algorithm – the day I learnt that not every computer program has special plans for me ” “You know, Lord, that this is all a CIA plot against him because, well, the CIA just really hates him, as it has done since about the mid-1960s, and has been prosecuting this malicious campaign against him, hoping to see him in jail sooner rather than later… “So, Lord, yes, you have managed to fend off the forces of darkness for a few decades, but if you could perhaps rain down some fire and brimstone on the CIA, thus taking them out of the picture, that would be truly wonderful… No CIA, no trial! The charges against our glorious former leader obviously disappear, so that is our prayer… “We also pray for Msholozi that he is cured of his mystery ailment, but not if curing that ailment is going to mean he has to go back to jail… So, perhaps, Lord, you can just keep that mystery ailment going for a while, but not in a way that causes Msholozi any actual suffering, because we really wouldn’t want him to feel under the weather in any way… “And certainly not, Lord, when he has to advise our government in KZN on which leader should get on to which slate at the provincial electoral conference that’s just around the corner… “We must have his view on who will be most useful to the faction of which he is the shining figurehead. “We need to know who has the money to spread around the branches, and who can work the patronage networks most effectively now that Zandile Gumede has to do all her networking in secret…” Prayer list Rather eloquent, we thought. It’s longer concentration and it’s more taxing on the body and on the mind,” said Moreeng. So we got hold of the Very Reverend Josias Makwagubelegubele and asked him about the power of prayer, which he said he could invoke for anyone willing to make a small(ish) donation to the Holy God Prosperity Blood of the Lamb Church & Funeral Parlour, of which he is the sole proprietor. Rev Makwagubelegubele is in constant communication with God, he informed us, so he’s very up to date on who needs to be prayed for. We asked him who, at this painful moment in South African history, he believes should be prayed for, and to that end we made a (reasonably) small donation to his Holy God Prosperity Blood of the Lamb Church & Funeral Parlour. Toyana is concerned that the Proteas women’s lack of experience in the format might present itself in the field.

The people he needs to pray for most right now, said the reverend, are Ses’Fikile Mbalula and Lindiwe Sisulu. The former, as our readers will know, is the Minister of Taxis, and the latter is the most fearless Woman Warrior fighting indomitably against the Constitution and the rule of law. And then he prayed. That mental adjustment will be quite important. “Oh Lord,” he said loudly, in his strong, deep voice, “please keep an eye on your faithful servant Fikile ‘Sho’t Left’ Mbalula as he negotiates with those trucker friends of ours who are presently blockading the M3, or is it the N3? Either way, Lord, you know your way around an AA map or a GPS app, so you’ll know where they are. “Our dear minister of taxis is also the minister of trucks, especially delivery trucks, so he has to cut a deal with them… “We pray, Lord, that he can arrest a few illegal foreign drivers, to show he’s serious about the truckers’ xenophobic demands, and that he can thrust from his mind the thought that he’s cravenly giving in to blackmail… Yes, he can posture and tweet later, and present whatever he’s done as a victory for good governance, thank you, Lord.

” More satire in Daily Maverick : “ From Putin to potholes, Cyril and our other masters of mediation could set a sterling example ” Rev Makwagubelegubele then turned to the matter of Ms Sudoku, sorry, Sisulu (our journalists are working on old phones with compromised spellcheckers because of load shedding). This will be the first time in [almost] eight years that they are playing Tests. “Oh Lord,” he cried, “pour out thy mercy upon MaLindi, who is under vicious attack from radical constitutionalists and, in fact, a few judges. She didn’t mean that all judges are mentally colonised. Just a few. (Photo: Christiaan Kotze / BackpagePix) The future of the long format Despite the weeks of preparation for the Test match on 27 June, the Proteas women are in limbo with regard to Test cricket after this outing. “Please help her, Lord, to remember who those bad apples are so that she can name them and clear this up.

If she only has vague generalisations to offer, she’s just going to look like an EFF MP, not that there’s anything wrong with that… “We pray that when the elective conference rolls around at year-end, Lord, you will stand by our sister Lindiwe as she makes another stab at the ANC presidency, and yes, I mean stab… Because if she’s president, then our beloved Msholozi will be safe… Thank you, Lord, amen.” And we all say, “Amen”. “Therefore, the counties (clubs) that are developing women’s cricket will focus on that. DM168 Shaun de Waal is a writer and editor. This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 .