In my very scientific opinion, any dessert whose primary ingredient requires excessive dressing up to taste like anything... is a bad dessert. The most notorious offender of this fact is pumpkin pie, which, when served without necessary accoutrements like pecan, caramel, ice cream, and whipped toppings, tastes like a flavorless bite of nothingness.
Before I was a scientist and holiday food ranker, I was a Trader Joe’s employee. For six Christmases, I suffered as droves of holiday shoppers swarmed the store en-masse, desperate for a sugary fix of peppermint this or chocolate that. But the real horror began in January, when, one by one, shoppers on their Christmas comedown would return the unopened Panettone boxes that had languished in their pantries throughout December.
Big Panettone, the secret lobbying group behind this bland fruitcake, has worked tirelessly for centuries to convince the public that it’s a necessary component to any holiday celebration. Not only are they liars, but at their behest, the holiday eaters of the world have stomached down a punishing amount of this throat-clogging, excessively dry not-cake, not-bread. It should be considered a human rights violation, but Big Panettone is too powerful.
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