Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting

📆 12/5/2019 11:02 AM
📰 TheOnion

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YUMA, AZ—Uploading almost a gigabyte of image files to her various social media accounts, nursing assistant Katherine Rohrbach, 26, took the precaution of posting several of her favorite photos of herself online Tuesday just in case she dies in a mass shooting. “Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while shopping or going to the movies or dancing at a bar, I want to make sure the first photos of me the media can find are nice ones where I’m having a good hair day and you can see my face clearly,” said Rohrbach, scrolling through her phone camera’s album and selecting photos she believed to be tasteful and which showcased her personality. “I don’t want my friends and loved ones to learn about my violent firearms-related death by seeing a bad selfie on the news, or maybe a snap where I’m drunk at a bar. Also, there are high school photos of me up now that I should probably just delete.” At press time, Rohrbach’s friends and family were protesting CNN’s use of a photo of Rohrbach standing next to a more attractive friend after both were shot to death at a birthday party.

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Brilliant website idea

Big brain play right there

Boring.

Ouch

I like to send an “I love you” text to everyone I care about just in case before I go into any school, theatre, concert, populated public facility, or war riddled country in the midst of a revolution.

Nope.

“aww, she was so young...and so pretty too”

Dark humor, but pretty spot on. The shooter and terrorist's goals are to scare us so we will sacrifice freedom for security. They win in that department.

Both funny and grim, even if the headline features an incorrect usage of the word 'preemptively.'

She slips into her WWII flak jacket, grabs her AR15 and goes hunting for her boss leaving her manifesto on her desk.

Oh my!

Americans:

i checked my instagram the other day for this exact reason

Might as well!

Is it just me or has the Onion been REALLY dark recently?

That's a good idea. You have to leave something for the media to find. Otherwise they end up grabbing the one pic you took with the dog filter on and post it everywhere.

This makes perfect sense in 2019

Wow - did the new intern get a fist bump for this one?

Very dark, but now you have us all thinking about which photos we need to have on stand-by. Damn.

how my mom acts after reading a few headlines

I thought these were supposed to be satire.

Dark

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