Will This Book Get Me Laid?

Photo: nd3000/Getty Images/iStockphoto I have thousands of crushes — enough that if they all moved to Wyoming they could swing the state blue — and I love nothing more than to loan books to them. I’ve loaned men My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, Flamethrowers by Rachel Kushner, and The Keys by DJ Khaled .

An example: A new crush once told me that his favorite band was the Strokes. I asked him if he had read Meet Me in the Bathroom, an oral history of the early-aughts NYC rock scene. He hadn’t. I also hadn’t. But then I did read it as quickly as it is possible to read a 640-page book so that I could lend it to my crush. In loaning him a book about the music he loved, I wanted to seem cool, if it is in fact possible for the Strokes to be considered cool in a post–Antoni-from-Queer Eye world.

Must you ruin absolutely everything?

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