Why It's So Easy to Feel Like No One Understands Us

From the very beginning of our lives, we need another person to reflect back to us that they see us in all of our complexity.Mirroring is mutual. The person who reflects to us also needs us to recognize them for their good qualities as well as their negative ones.

Richard* was deeply upset by the fact that his adolescent daughter was always mad at him. “We used to be so close,” he told me. “Now she’s always acting like I’m stupid. She doesn’t like anything about me—how I dress, how I talk, how I eat. I’m sad, but I’m angry, too. I don’t know what to do. I feel like just staying as far away from her as I can get. But I’m worried that she’s going to get into some kind of trouble, so I also feel like I have to keep an eye on her.

From the very beginning of our lives, we need another person to reflect back to us that they see us in all of our complexity and that they care about us, even with our flaws and limitations. Developmental research has shown that children learn to know who they are from the responses of the people who care for and about them. We are apparently wired to need others to mirror us and validate our feelings and thoughts.

Richard, for example, needed his daughter to let him know that he was a good dad. But she was at a stage of life when she needed him to let her be angry with him and still see her as a good daughter. Neither of them liked the self that was reflected back by the other person, which hurt their feelings and made them angry.

If proper self-esteem and self worth were developed as children! As adults we wouldn’t need to seek approval and reassurance from others!

I want to sue JohnMorganESQ

This is when someone is external validation type.

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