I almost fainted came at the most embarrassing moment possible. I had just started dating my now-wife Maris. I didn’t know her well, but I did know that she worked in the publishing industry. So, as a fourth or fifth date, I invited her to seebecause it was a movie based on a book, which is a lot like a book. That was the only fact I knew about, Rosamund Pike plays Gone Girl, who marries Ben Affleck before deciding she hates him, faking her own death, and framing him for it.
The first time I fainted, I was eleven years old. I didn’t know then that it was fainting. It’s a word that I associated with Victorian baronesses having their blood drawn to have their humors examined. For years, I called it “passing out” or “needing a minute.” But it was fainting. I fainted. I’m a fainter.
My mom and my dad had an extensive collection of literature, and I picked through it with one eye toward what wasin elementary school, my pre-tween brain vibrating with a mixture of titillation and pretension.Even on an island, I would know it is bad to murder a little boy with glasses, because. Books hit the sweet spot of my personality; they let me experience something taboo and adult without breaking any rules.
Physically overwhelmed by the power of the prose, my mouth went dry and my forehead became clammy, as if all my saliva had been wicked through my skull and converted into sweat. When my brain rejoined my body, I found myself sprawled on the floor, the two teachers from the hearing-impaired classroom hovering over me, their students peering from behind them. In the few seconds before my own teacher came to see what had happened, I remember having the thought
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