We Had to Cancel Our Summer Sex Fest This Year, and My Husband Is Furious

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.I have been happily married for 17 years, with two children ages 12 and 13. My husband and I have always had a very active and satisfying sex life. With the exception of a few illnesses and when I was in the hospital giving birth, we have had sex at least once a day in the 20 years we’ve been together. Spontaneity and creativity were always a big part of that, but we had to cut down on the spontaneity when the kids came along.

We were hopeful that the pandemic would be over by summer and all four of us were disappointed when it was announced that there would not be camp this year. The kids whined and complained at first, but I pointed out that they now could watch all the TV and play all the video games they wanted, and that made them happy. I am a realist, so I just accepted that there would be no special summer fun.

COVID-19, and the associated stress, lack of security, and general pressure is a lot for all of us to be dealing with. I’ve definitely seen people choose to believe that it’d only be a couple of weeks or months, or not really be that bad, and then become devastated—sulky, withdrawn, angry—when their hopes were dashed.

Regardless of what your choices would be, the wife of your secondary partner absolutely might ask him to reclose the relationship, and he absolutely might do so. After all, he was willing to do so when they were considering having children—something that will certainly come up again in the future. And relationships end for all sorts of reasons all the time. That’s part of the risk you take with any relationship, especially with complicated structures like this one: the risk of loss and hurt.

I don’t think you should ask to be included in the sessions. That strikes me as inserting yourself into a delicate situation and prioritizing your own desires over those of the wife—and, again, you’re the secondary here. Let the two of them work it out together, and try to remember the difference between want and need.We encountered an issue signing you up. Please try again.

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