Vol 56 Issue 14, Coronavirus

Vol 56 Issue 14, Coronavirus

Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

4/9/2020 9:55:00 PM

Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re reserving every morning from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. for fuckwits who lack the common sense not to get right up behind a stranger and breathe into their ear,” said CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted that the research shows the dipshit population is at particularly high risk of being infected, and encouraged any non-distancing moron interested in contracting or spreading the virus to take advantage of these special time slots. “If you want to pass someone but can’t process the idea of using another aisle or waiting for two fucking seconds, then come on in. Slobbering dolts incapable of following simple CDC guidelines can feel free to lumber around our aisles coughing all over the frozen corn dogs and touching their dumb fucking faces at these times. We’ve prepared our stores by marking out the check-out lanes in 6-foot increments for shit-for-brains to blow straight through. Help yourself to any merchandise you like, because our sales associates won’t be sticking around.” At press time, Pessina added that if any knuckle-dragging dumbfucks wanted to die in their stores, then that’s fine too.

Read more: The Onion »

Hey. Walgreens states they won’t require shoppers to wear masks setting the standard for retail pharmacies everywhere. BUT will let others refer to their employees as heroes which is just as good. WorkersUnitedNY NailTechsUnited safetyfirst Omg I'm laughing so hard!!!🤣 antoneux I can't tell if this is real or not because where we are now.

Republicans. You dont have to drag it out. You mean Republicans. Jerrymcd DonÕt As a Walgreens employee I strongly approve of this change 50% off tildõs at Walgreens (rewards card required for discount). That would be mine time! Holy fuck that last sentence is brutal DonÕt Social distancing is a 2 way street. If youre going to stare at something o a shelf for longer than 30 seconds then I dont give a shit about your 6 feet. Not gonna stand around all day for people

I don’t think walking by someone to grab some food is gonna kill anyone Tf Fucking christ. Are you sure this isn't Walmart ? Literally just went to walmart where they are literally herding people through one of 3 entrances with gates and caution tape making absolutely certain people have to be as close as possible. Astounding.

for 2 dollars you can buy gum this is my dark energy right now Especially those folks who go down the same aisle as you just to stroll even though you are stopped looking at something. Shopping at Walmart is not a waltz in the park type of activity. You know who you are Mr. Mask guy at Walmart. Still mad cause the dude went extra slow....

DonÕt I was surrounded by door knob lickers at the Flying J gas station last night. Fml DonÕt So, I guess that's all operating hours then? DonÕt Probably same people who tailgate, even on icy roads SonyaNotSonya D.O.S.H. please implement this irl 😂😂😂😂 DonÕt This is such a bummer for boomer guy who walks around mocking all of the 'sheep' for wearing their masks and gloves. Who will he harass and annoy here?

People who think the onion has slipped have not been paying attention the past year. donÕt It is such a shame that the truth tends to be so hilarious, and so deadly. dril? DonÕt DonÕt gillsterein DonÕt DonÕt ¡OniÕn! DonÕt Group chat name changed to DonÕt Õ could be true 😉 4:20 am only, yes DonÕt There's a secret 10% extra markup, too.

😂😂😂 Shame on you Walgreens and cvspharmacy !!! For your disgustingly greedy policies for sick pay during the Coronavirus . I will never step foot in either of your stores again . I will just go to a small pharmacy and pay more . It’s out of principle which you are both clearly lack If Republicans would just stay home, this would be unnessessary 😆

Available in Florida stores only. Today I went to my local Publix and they were allowing only 10 people at a time, surprisingly the waiting time outside for each next group wasn't more than 10 minutes and according to the mngr inside the whole store they were admitting no more than 50 people. Very organized.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Stand 6 feet apart while waiting in line for your 10 pack of insulin syringes that you will use for your heroin injections...I mean to treat your grandma’s cat’s diabetes. How about dipshits who have masks but don’t wear them? avaaguadagnino Good news ChildIntangible! The fact that the Onion has been getting more and more passive aggressive with these is great~

its should have never been called 'social distancing' in the first place. it should have been called 'person next to you with B.O. distancing' at least that how it feelz JeffQld How sad that their really are assholes like this😭 The Onion is on fire. Thanks NEEDED I worked at a Walgreens and I wish this was a thing.

This is way too real to be fake Alyciajoybadger HumanistReport I feel personally attacked Welcome to Florida!!!!! I wish this was real lol that's Tuesday and Thursday at meijer I suggest shopping hours for dipshits who don't know how to sneeze into their elbow pit. Stupid is as stupid does.🙄 Hah, they can infect themselves.

For real!

Epidemiologist Explains Why Contracting Coronavirus On Purpose Is A 'Horrible Idea'“It is all about how much we just don’t know yet,” warned Dr. Greta Bauer in a new column for The New York Times. Well put the disease could act like HIV as far as we know. So many unknowns. I'm just interested in exactly what they do know & why there's so little transparency in being honest about this. The public need to know what they're up against, & the government & WHO should full finger & treat us with the respect we deserve we can to think for ourselves eh. USA has reported more than approx 399,000 cases | more than 12,000 deaths Latest updates | cases per million population👇 COVIDー19 CoronaStopKaroNa

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