After confirming the sorrowful individual’s identity with reasonable certainty, the drone will then engage the mourner, strafing his or her location with hundreds of sympathy cards before circling back and shelling the target zone with its 1,500-kilogram payload of precision, laser-guided gift baskets.
Sources confirmed that the Griever’s highly advanced onboard computing systems allow it to declare tender reassurances with pinpoint accuracy, having proven capable of isolating a sobbing widow within a crowd of sympathizers and unleashing a barrage of comforting words to the appropriate residence, hospital, or mosque during her time of need.
“The condolence drones have proven especially effective in Yemen and Somalia, where we have been deploying them dozens of times per week,” he added. “We expect them to continue to be a central component of our campaigns there going forward.
“Shortly after Ahmed was killed, we were preparing his body for burial when we heard a second drone flying above us,” said Afghan farmer Sayed Noyan, referring to his brother, who was caught in the blast radius of a Hellfire missile strike while walking near the home of a suspected Taliban operative. “I remember there was a loud, echoing voice intoning that Ahmed was a good man, and that he would always be remembered. That’s when everything went black.
At press time, the Pentagon had issued a formal apology for an incident last month in which a Griever accidentally consoled two Western hostages.
Oopsies
This would be the one time drones hit terrorists.
So wrong it’s funny! Once again, we’ll done Onion 🧅 sirs. 👏🏽 has been hitting it out of the park this last year. Really throughout the pandemic
'Beep beep my condolences' *checks database 'losers'.
Give me my flowers while I can still smell my family burning
Damn
am I allowed to laugh at this? 😂 ( guilty )
Hallmark has a whole new line coming to Middle Eastern Walgreens.
How did we come to this?
Well, Afghanistan isn't the Middle East, but we're probably killing innocent children with drones in the Middle East, too at the moment so
This actually happened
But the healing wont began until the bunker busters of amense are dropped.
😮 ouch
I hope they don't miss their target & accidentally hit isis k with those feel better baskets.
taliban never cared why should we
Thoughts and prayers rocket inbound ❤️🙏🏼
Not funny.
The thoughts and prayers drones will come very soon I’m guessing
It's just lucky for us that these Arabs don't hold a grudge about things like this
We hope this wreath will mend the wounds caused by our hellfire missle.
Chem trails that spell “The United States Government apologizes for any loss of life.”
which is one reason why still having a real pilot in any mission decision making chain is still vital. Not that it would eliminate all such tragic errors, but it would make them much more unlikely than the video game like drone wars
Is the operator a trans woman?
Killing, burying, condolence one-stop service
In odd twist of fate, U.S. Condolance Drone errantly crashes into IsisX cell, killing militants.
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