Death, Government, Middle East, Vol 51 Issue 20

Death, Government

U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties

U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties

9/20/2021 10:00:00 PM

U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties

WASHINGTON—In an effort to limit the fallout from any unintended collateral damage, the Pentagon has dispatched a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles to the Middle East specially designed to express condolences for the civilian casualties of U.S. drone airstrikes, sources confirmed Wednesday.

After confirming the sorrowful individual’s identity with reasonable certainty, the drone will then engage the mourner, strafing his or her location with hundreds of sympathy cards before circling back and shelling the target zone with its 1,500-kilogram payload of precision, laser-guided gift baskets. The drone reportedly also possesses eight high-powered loudspeakers, which broadcast a series of pre-recorded messages indicating that the deceased is now in a better place and that their family members will henceforth be in the U.S. government’s thoughts and prayers.

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Sources confirmed that the Griever’s highly advanced onboard computing systems allow it to declare tender reassurances with pinpoint accuracy, having proven capable of isolating a sobbing widow within a crowd of sympathizers and unleashing a barrage of comforting words to the appropriate residence, hospital, or mosque during her time of need.

Advertisement“Simply put, these drones provide the safest and most efficient means of expressing contrition in an active combat zone,” said Holt, adding that the After Action Reports from condolence operations indicate that the military’s expressions of pity reach the intended party in 87 percent of cases. “Normally, unfavorable conditions on the ground would limit our consolatory efforts in these regions to administering slow, arduous door-to-door emotional support, but with the Griever, we can pay our respects to dozens of survivors in a single fly-by.”

“The condolence drones have proven especially effective in Yemen and Somalia, where we have been deploying them dozens of times per week,” he added. “We expect them to continue to be a central component of our campaigns there going forward.”Advertisement

When reached for comment, men, women, and children throughout the Middle East confirmed the increasing presence of the Grievers, telling reporters that the faint, empathetic murmur emitted by the drones as they pass overhead has become an inescapable aspect of life in a war zone.

“Shortly after Ahmed was killed, we were preparing his body for burial when we heard a second drone flying above us,” said Afghan farmer Sayed Noyan, referring to his brother, who was caught in the blast radius of a Hellfire missile strike while walking near the home of a suspected Taliban operative. “I remember there was a loud, echoing voice intoning that Ahmed was a good man, and that he would always be remembered. That’s when everything went black.”

Advertisement“The next thing I know, I come to on the floor and realize that the roof was destroyed and our living room was littered with dozens of floral bouquets and scented candles,” he continued.At press time, the Pentagon had issued a formal apology for an incident last month in which a Griever accidentally consoled two Western hostages.

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Oopsies This would be the one time drones hit terrorists. So wrong it’s funny! Once again, we’ll done Onion 🧅 sirs. 👏🏽 has been hitting it out of the park this last year. Really throughout the pandemic 'Beep beep my condolences' *checks database 'losers'. Give me my flowers while I can still smell my family burning

Damn am I allowed to laugh at this? 😂 ( guilty ) Hallmark has a whole new line coming to Middle Eastern Walgreens. How did we come to this? Well, Afghanistan isn't the Middle East, but we're probably killing innocent children with drones in the Middle East, too at the moment so This actually happened

Middle Eastern foes are giving diplomacy a shotA rush of regional diplomacy is little comfort for citizens of places like Lebanon and Iraq, which barely exist as sovereign states 2032 bitcoin 0 usd this is terrible news Consider a Middle East with peaceful countries and borders. What an antipoverty and human development program that would be!

But the healing wont began until the bunker busters of amense are dropped. 😮 ouch I hope they don't miss their target & accidentally hit isis k with those feel better baskets. taliban never cared why should we Thoughts and prayers rocket inbound ❤️🙏🏼 Not funny. The thoughts and prayers drones will come very soon I’m guessing

It's just lucky for us that these Arabs don't hold a grudge about things like this

Economic development is best chance for Middle East's post-COVID recovery | OpinionIn Opinion from Joel Zamel | Economic development is the best chance for Middle East 's post-COVID recovery 'A concerted regional effort that involves forward looking, tolerant governments must push the region toward prosperity, stability and security.' Quick question, how does Wikistrat's 'Saudi Expert's Community' fit into Joel's 'economic development' for the Middle East? You know, the same Saudi Expert's Community that Jamal Khashoggi was a part of months before he died. Joel Zamel met with Saudi leaders in early 2017 to talk about destabilizing Iran. Among the things discussed, the Saudis asked Joel to setup a targeted-killing program. How does that fit into Joel's plan to protect human rights and promote economic development? Joel, I noticed that your author's description omits your other companies PSY Group and White Knight, the information warfare firms. Don't you want to take credit for founding and managing firms that run psychological warfare operations, Joel?

We hope this wreath will mend the wounds caused by our hellfire missle. Chem trails that spell “The United States Government apologizes for any loss of life.” which is one reason why still having a real pilot in any mission decision making chain is still vital. Not that it would eliminate all such tragic errors, but it would make them much more unlikely than the video game like drone wars

Is the operator a trans woman? Killing, burying, condolence one-stop service In odd twist of fate, U.S. Condolance Drone errantly crashes into IsisX cell, killing militants.

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