Turns Out, I Freakin' Love Being Single

  • 📰 FLARE
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 41 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 20%
  • Publisher: 59%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

Get in losers, we’re going to grow old and grey together

Today, in things you didn’t want to know: My singleness can be measured by the length of my pubes. The bigger the bush, the longer my celibacy stint that month. To further explain that Bob Ross visual for you: The older I get, the more protective I am of my lady bits and who gets to visit them .

Being single is kind of new to me—and I am saying this as someone three years into single life. Not to sound like a diary entry, but being on my own is, like, empowering. Not least of all because while I’m new to ~doing me~, I’ve been knocking out romantic milestones with boyfriends since puberty. With newly minted boobs, I once cycled through two BFs in a single day.

Of course, I get lonely sometimes. I’m not going to tell you that I don’t full-on Tobias Fünke-cry in the shower from time to time. In fact, there are studies that suggest loneliness can shorten your lifespan. But there’s a big difference between being lonely and being alone, so I’ll check my blood pressure if things start to shift—especially since I don’t even have a cat to eat my body—but for now, I’m good.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.
We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 376. in US

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Man kills girlfriend's teenage son and daughter after dispute over smoking, turns gun on himselfA dispute between a Connecticut teenager and her mother’s boyfriend over smoking ended in tragedy, after the man shot and killed the girl and her brother, before turning the gun on himself. Police were called to the Watertown, Connecticut, home of Danielle Jette around 9:45 p.m. on Tuesday. Jette had
Source: YahooNews - 🏆 380. / 59 Read more »

Alphabet turns a Page and a BrinAlthough Alphabet rakes in billions, it remains a one-trick pony Let’s not forget that it’s one hell of a trick! Pass the Torch!!! Now lets see what these geniuses bring to the market next!!! everyonegetbored
Source: TheEconomist - 🏆 6. / 92 Read more »

Queen Elizabeth II Has 'No Plans' to Retire When She Turns 95At 93-years-old, Queen Elizabeth isn't stepping down anytime soon. After all she is the queen. No royal are raised quitters. Some of them do give up. I may be a quitter too. The Queen is like 'I will die on my throne mofos.'
Source: etnow - 🏆 696. / 51 Read more »

Vodafone UK turns key operations over to digital - Business Insider - Business InsiderVodafone UK has reduced headcount in network operations centers thanks to the introduction of digital tools, like chatbots and automated networks.
Source: BusinessInsider - 🏆 729. / 51 Read more »

In Knives and Skin, the Lost-Girl Trope Turns Surreal and Overtly FemmeCarolyn Harper, the missing girl at the center of the rather loose plot of Knives and Skin, is only the most pressing and obvious of her hometown’s problems. Jennifer Reeder’s beguiling new film, at first blush, fits firmly into the neon teen wave of contemporary pop culture (think Riverdale, Euphoria, Waves). Like this year’s gonzo sendup of suburbia, Greener Grass, Knives and Skin owes a considerable debt to the work of David Lynch. But Reeder’s effect, while plenty weird, isn’t quite absurd for comedic effect—it is, in fact, at times earnest in the emotions that underpin its bizarreness.
Source: Jezebel - 🏆 153. / 63 Read more »

Man kills girlfriend's teenage son and daughter after dispute over smoking, turns gun on himselfDispute between Connecticut teenager and her mother’s boyfriend over smoking ends in tragedy after man shoots and kills girl and her brother before turning gun on himself. Let it stand up republicans you did it you got a gun and everybody's pocket.🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀 He was a felon in possession of a firearm which is a felony in itself. More gun laws wouldn’t have prevented this - criminals don’t follow laws. This sort of behavior doesn’t just pop up. Why was the mom going out with this kind of guy? And why did he move in?
Source: ABC - 🏆 471. / 51 Read more »